Here are some pictures of my loud girl. If I had to avenge her I would not hold back and would feel no remorse for the crimes I committed.

[Source]

you know who’s gay? paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and davey who’s still in the navy and probably will be for life

New headcannon: everyone in that song is gay except the Piano Man who has no idea he’s playing at a gay bar and the staff and regulars have a betting pool on how long he’ll take to finally figure it out. So far John is ahead.

“The manager gives me a smile ‘cause he knows that it’s me they’ve been coming to see” also implies that the Piano Man is possibly an incredibly attractive but oblivious himbo, and if you listen to the rest of it imagining that, this all fits a little too well.

interlude: a short rant

So many of my soash-meed feeds have turned into what seems like an endless parade of tone-deaf white privilege and Karenesque-levels of whinery over trivial woes¹ that my eyeballs have actually sprained themselves from over-rolling.

I mean, I get that we are all going to make the occasional joke about some perceived hardship that we are enduring, but when it’s all the damn time, I just can’t deal. My income has been slashed in half. I have so many friends that have no jobs and have been trying for weeks to get into their state’s overwhelmed benefits systems with no luck. I just wish some folks would reflect a wee bit before they click the Post button for their third screed of the day about how they “can’t get in touch with a repair man to come fix the brick pizza oven on the back patio and on top of that only three of the four kids have a Nintendo Switch and Target won’t have stock again until Wednesday and can’t you understand how hard this is for meeeeeee.”

Okay, back to the nerdery.

[ ¹ - “OMG I only have like three bottles of Veuve Clicquot left in the fridge and with my Zoom book club meeting tonite there is no way I’m going to get to the store until tomorrow morning. These are the WORST TIMES.” ]

See also:

Mom rants about kids.

Really? You can’t handle your children through a quarantine? Then why do you have them.

Boo-fucking-hoo. You have to lead actual humans through hardship and they are reacting in all kinds of ways like humans do. Just like you.

Literally the definition of parenting is helping tiny magnificent people become big magnificent people, and doing it even when you go cry yourself to sleep every day because it’s tough. It’s supposed to be tough. Yes. You don’t get a medal.

What I genuinely don’t understand is the parents who aren’t spending a second thought on how their KIDS’ lives have changed through all this. My kiddo isn’t old enough to have to deal with homeschooling, thankfully, but she’s not yet 4 and she’s had to deal with all of this:

Playgrounds? Closed.

Can’t see her aunt/uncle, cousins, grandparents, friends

Her preschool is still open, but is using very intense safety measures which include her having her temp taken multiple times a day, we can’t walk her to or from her classroom, etc.

The attendance rates at her school have dropped drastically because people have lost their jobs and can’t afford to keep sending their kids, or have opted to keep their kids home, which means most of her homies at school aren’t there.

Kids of all age thrive on routine. There are very few other circumstances I can think of that could possibly upend their routine more than this has. Is my kid seemingly a bit grumpier and harder to handle? Yes, certainly. But it’s my job to regulate my own emotions so she can learn how to regulate hers. Even if that means after bedtime I need to drink hard liquor. Your kids aren’t being pains in the ass because they enjoy torturing you. They’re being pains in the ass because they are confused and sad and scared. If you can’t figure that out on your own I would recommend having a goldfish instead. 

I saw this yesterday and didn’t engage but as I was sitting in the dark answering work emails while I nursed my son last night a fresh wave of anger came over me and got me wondering: am I ever allowed to complain about how shitty this is for me or must I remain a stoic and shining example of self-sacrificing motherhood at all times? 

If I first loudly profess how much I love my child and how lucky I am to be a mother am I allowed to say how profoundly difficult it is to try to work full time while simultaneously caring for an infant? Or is it that I’m struggling at all that makes me a bad mother? And if I preface it by saying that I worry everyday how this situation is affecting his development can I then voice my resentment that I spend 80% of my waking hours in my living room because it now takes at least 10 hours to do 8 hours of work and I barely have time to feed myself and I hate that some days we don’t get to enjoy our kid because every minute that he doesn’t actively need something has to be dedicated to work or just keeping the mess from consuming our home? Or am I never allowed to vent about the trials and indignities of motherhood because I must always, without exception be putting my child’s needs above my own and to do otherwise makes me a horrible, unworthy mother? 

My neighbor with two tweens who’s working from home while her husband works 12 hour shifts at the hospital, is she allowed to vent? How about my other neighbor who goes into work at night so she can take care of her 3 month old during the day while her husband goes to work? Or should they also have just gotten goldfish? 

Just looking for some clarification here.

I’m sorry, but on the list of bullshit first world problems that we think people should stop complaining about we are including: 1)not getting a haircut, 2)not being able to purchase non-essential items and 3)doing the historically unprecedented work of raising children all alone, something that is contrary to the most basic biological instincts of our species?????  

We support essential workers and want to make sure that we come out of this valuing the low-paid essential tasks of our society….except for the care, feeding and education of children, which doesn’t even count as work.  It’s silly to complain about taking on 3-4 additional unpaid jobs while also trying to do your regular jobs during a pandemic. 

And yes, children thrive on routine and become emotional when their routine is disrupted.  This is also true of human beings of literally any age and it’s inhumane to decide that parents (and, as always, lbr, mothers) don’t get to ever express frustration. 

This is literally the opposite of human parenting! This is something almost no human parents have ever experienced and the tiny number of people who have experienced something like this level of isolation tended to die along with their kids. 

Medusa with the head of Perseus, Luciano Garbati.

Euripides, tr. by Anne Carson, from An Oresteia; “Orestes,” publ. c. 2009

edward when they wouldn’t let him switch to a different biology class

what if lindsay lohan and jamie lee curtis never switched back after freaky friday and its jamie doing drugs and getting arrested and lindsay is just eating activia

I love that the logic this post goes off of is that lindsay lohan and jamie lee curtis actually switched bodies in order to film freaky friday

well yeah havent you seen the movie

time to get possessed by the ghost of 2012 tumblr and draw ship art of the goose from the goose game and the goat from goat simulator as 20 year old twinks

you cant just fucking say this in public. youve spoken it into existence and if this actually happens youll have to shoulder the blame

How much time do you need to spend on a joke before it’s no longer a joke

My cat has to wear a cone this week and it made me think of an angel whose halo is a cone.

Local idiot is cone-free and back on his regular sillyzone nonsense.

since everyone loves untitled goose game so much, i have to share something with you. where my grandmother used to live, a neighbor had a pet goose.

tumblr, meet chicken

not bastard. nice boi.

ineffable husbands WISHES they had half the amount of star crossed enemies to lovers homoerotic tension as perry/doofenshmirtz the fucking AMATEURS

I love abortion! Its moral and good when a women gets to have a safe abortion on demand without apology!

my sense of humor: getting birthday cards with the wildly incorrect age on it for people

I see this and raise you: getting cards for a wildly different occasion and customizing them to fit the holiday you need