I’d divorce him too lmao

It’s never JUST about the tomatoes.

Basically!

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: He’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in 10 of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of 10, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

Damn, this made me think of all the “shouting into the void” social media posts everyone makes. Just bids for connection. From ANYONE.

I think that is ABSOLUTELY what a lot of that is. Our culture is very isolated (even BEFORE covid!), and we’re desperate to connect with others. I read an article one time that suggested that childcare workers stop saying that a child is “Just wants attention” and start saying that the child is “looking for connection.” We’re starved for it even from childhood.

When they are speaking about a passion, respond to children as if you would a tenured professor at a prestigious university, and to an adult as if you would a child free of the burdens of adulthood. 

Children are desperate to teach the wonders of the world that they know, that they have just learned, and share it with anyone interested.  Adults pour passion they didn’t know they had into voluntary obligations, and crave a simple acknowledgment of that passion as being worthy and valid. 

“Dear third grader, tell me exactly why you chose <x> as you third favorite carnivorous dinosaur instead of second, as specifically as possible.”

“Hey neighbor, your vegetable garden is absolutely gorgeous this year…and no I’m not just saying that because the tomatoes you gave me last year were absolute perfection.”

And if you can’t respond to the emotional bid at that moment, let them know you heard them. If there’s a gorgeous bird outside, ask your loved one to take a picture so you can share in it together. But by god, hear them. Tell them they were listened to.

That *is* a response though! Telling someone “I’m busy/low on energy right this moment, but if it’s possible, I’d love for you to show me this thing later” works just fine. At least so long as you establish a pattern of actually following up on it, even if it’s just going “hey, wasn’t there a thing you wanted to show me? a bird?”

Most people hate being told “later”, but that’s just because most people who say “later” really mean “I can’t be bothered”.

Put your “feel better shows” in the tags, AKA the shows you watch when you’re having a bad day and really need to smile

hi my name is long-running tv show heres where you can find me: seasons 1-3 are on netflix. seasons 3,4, and 7 are on tubi. seasons 5-6 are on poob. season 2 is on pheebo free with ads. all seasons are available on pheeboTV+ Premium with the Starz add-on... with ads. season 12 is a pheebo original. nobody has it for you.

hi my name is Google "(tv show) watch free online" and Adblocker. i have it for you. I love you

If only there were [one] or possibly even [two] comprehensive and reliable websites that would provide access to lists of places to find your favorite movies, tv shows, and more for free. Now wouldn't that be something! *Sighs dreamily*....maybe that day will come soon ^u^

hi guys! discord is doing a survey on how people would like ai to be integrated into discord. take it and say fuck no to every question. when you get to "in general, how do you feel about discord inegrating ai features?", respond that you would actively get everyone you know off of discord and wouldn't pay for nitro or other shop items if they added ai features.

!!!!!!

hey so. fuck ai. if you actually want to talk to people on no ai platform, i would recommend setting up an xmpp account. it works somewhat like email. aka you don't need to have buncha accounts on different servers to actually talk to people! like how you don't need to have a yahoo account to talk to people who use yahoo.com emails when you use gmail.

Having Ilya Rosanov show up in each of the books makes him seem like bisexual Nick Fury recruiting the gay avengers of sad hockey men.

I feel like Wake Up Dead Man is the first time I've seen Blanc squash down a part of himself. Its a little moment, its so small, but when Jud gets in the car, and the musical song starts playing, he immediately turns it off. We get from this movie the implication that he grew up in a religious household, we know he's queer, he explicity has problem with the misogynistic and homophobic nature of religion. So when a priest gets in his car and a musical theatre song starts playing, it potentially gives something away to a man who could see wrong in Blanc for something he loves. And maybe I'm reading too much into it, but even though Jud has shown nothing but kindness and gentleness, we (and Blanc) had not seen his reaction to queer people. It is perfectly reasonable to worry about the reaction of a priest to something that could get you labelled as queer.

a feel like the new generation of fanfic readers NEED to understand that clicking on a fic (interaction) does nothing. ao3 has no algorithm. your private discord discussions of fic do not reach the authors. if you do not actively engage with writers they will stop posting. this isn’t social media this is community.

Coming from someone who has stopped posting: THIS!!!

Also, on Ao3, your bookmarks are by default visible to the author but do not notify the author. They're neither a private space for your own notes (unless you deliberately select that) nor feedback that you enjoyed the fic (unless the author actively looks for it).

I recently had the deeply odd experience of checking on a newly published fic and seeing it had racked up two bookmarks without a single kudos or comment, and it was like "...Huh, glad you liked this enough to want to come back to it, but it sure would help if you also told me that."

new year new mountain goats

Yesterday I said that bookmobiles are an instant reblog. Today, I learned that rule also applies to book donkeys.

BIBLIOBURRO

i think it’s really important that everyone knows that this man (Luis Soriano) has his own children’s books

and the donkeys are called Alfa and Beto, by the way. if you even care