Connor Storrie appears on Late Night with Seth Meyers

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Watching shane hollander be autistic has been the greatest honor of my life

“Ilya made the first move” as if unsociable Shane Hollander didn’t search the entire facility for Ilya and then go out back and shake his hand and then stand there, breathing in secondhand smoke

When you’re in the middle of playing hockey, you don’t have much time or lungpower to spare for lengthy chats, so hockey players develop a lot of on-ice shorthand. Some of this is probably limited to beer leagues like mine, but I’ve definitely heard a few of these phrases caught on the rink-level mics during NHL games, so I thought maybe some of y’all who don’t play hockey might be interested in translations of a few of the things hockey players yell at each other mid-game.

OFF = You are offside.

OOOOOOOFF = You are offside and don’t seem to realize it; stop trying to touch the puck and move your ass out of the fucking zone before you force a whistle.

CHANGE = You’ve been on the ice a long time.

CHAAAAAAANGE = Are you aware that there are other people on this team who would like to play hockey at some point?

ONE ON = An opposing player is trying to get the puck away from you and it appears that you haven’t noticed.

GOT TIME = Don’t panic and fling the puck into Siberia, there’s no one close enough to take it away from you right this second.

ICE IT = We’ve been in our zone for three minutes and everyone on the ice is nearing collapse, so go ahead, panic and fling the puck into Siberia.

I’M OPEN = Pass toward the sound of my voice right fucking now.

ALL YOU = Take the puck forward yourself; everyone else is far enough behind you that you should not rely on getting any backup on this developing play.

I GOT YOU = You are so egregiously out of position that it makes more sense for us to just switch jobs for a minute.

I GOT IT = If we both skate hard to the puck at the same time, as is currently happening, there will be no one to pass it to and also we are liable to collide in an unproductive fashion, so just let me handle it.

I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT = You did not listen to me and we are about to collide in an unproductive fashion.

edited to add: NOOOOOOOOOOO = The ref has signaled no icing on this play, so quit gliding while you wait for a whistle and move your damn feet. (This is probably the most confusing one to overhear if you don’t know what it means XD)

back in the day this post made the rounds in hockey RPF and in Check Please and I am pleased to see once again a hockey-based fandom full of people who know nothing about hockey circulating this crucial info XD for the record I am always happy to splain hockey at pretty much anyone who asks!

oh that just means they’re a goalie. there is no explaining goalies. one time I asked my goalie why he didn’t use a gear bag with wheels (goalie bags almost always have wheels bc they have more/heavier equipment) and he—bent almost double under the weight of his gigantic bag—looked me straight in the eye and said “it makes me appreciate the game more.” I once knew a goalie who communicated solely via gifs of porn bloopers. there’s one NHL goalie whose pregame ritual is to go sit in the empty arena and stare at the empty ice surface for literal hours. each goalie is a full subculture that no one understands but themselves

hey can you come over and surgically remove this heavy, aching rot from my heart? we can watch a movie afterwards

there is something erotic about watching someone be extraordinarily competent at something especially if they're also really passionate about it

I CANT-

THIS MAY BE MY NEW FAVORITE PHOTO OF THE TWO

Now a four-time US national champion, Ilia Malinin will enter the 2026 Milano Cortina Olympics as the favorite to win, having been undefeated in competition for the past two seasons.

re: that last ask: perhaps the most inaccurate part of heated rivalry is making people believe that the all-star game is a Very Significant Event in the hockey season. in reality it is a very silly event that sometimes features fun activities like a wet t-shirt contest (sidney crosby's idea) but is mostly just a marketing gimmick. the players do not take it seriously and would 100% skip if they could (if you get tapped for the ASG you have to go to the ASG while everyone else gets to go on vacation lol). in fact the threat of players inventing reasons not to go is so real that the nhl will suspend them for a game if they skip it. i do think ilya might actually enjoy the ASG because he's such a ham and would delight in the fan service aspects of it, but shane would for SURE grimly view it as an obligation he must fulfill as a Face of the League. unless ilya's there and shane can count on getting dicked down, in which case, yay :)

just a little bit

the hudcon dynamic has captured me so bad. two months ago you were waiting tables and now you’re one of the most talked about men in entertainment. one other person in the world can relate to this experience and he’s your coworker/best friend/soulmate. and also you know what the inside of his mouth tastes like