canada ? is it just normal ? it would be a little funny if it was normal
British Columbia is now part of Cascadia, Alberta was eaten by rats, and Quebec was briefly an expansionist Francophone power before being stopped by a ragtag army of the Great Lakes Republic, featuring the involvement of a rather dubious figure who will probably show up in Swordmaster Girlfailure at some point.
"What about the rest of Canada?" the what now
(Mexico, however, is pretty much normal)
canada ? is it just normal ? it would be a little funny if it was normal
British Columbia is now part of Cascadia, Alberta was eaten by rats, and Quebec was briefly an expansionist Francophone power before being stopped by a ragtag army of the Great Lakes Republic, featuring the involvement of a rather dubious figure who will probably show up in Swordmaster Girlfailure at some point.
"What about the rest of Canada?" the what now
were you raised mormon or mormon-adjacent because the inside baseball stuff had me giggling fiercely
I'm not Mormon-adjacent myself but I learned that if you say "hey are there any exmos who'd like to tell me some weird tidbits about Mormonism" you WILL get a response, and will probably make some cool new people in the process.
Cause like, one of the interesting things about America's specific brand of exceptionalism is how it turns American history into a series of funny hats and accents. Like, the Prohibition era is portrayed as basically like today but the bars were speakeasies with cool passwords and there were a bunch of gangsters going '"myeah, see?" but if you take a step back and think about it it's like, oh hey there was a good decade or so where a large chunk of the nation's law enforcement was openly bought and/or bullied by the illegal drug market. One might even, if so inclined, call it a narco state. And likewise, you look at the history of Mormonism, the Utah war and the Nauvoo legion and all of that, it's like... a frontier religious movement declared war on the United States! And it's weird and not-weird at the same time - "frontier religious movement clashes with official government" is a free space on the bingo card of history, but Americans are told that things like that aren't 'supposed to' happen in America. It couldn't happen here. Nothing ever happens.
But one of the other squares on the bingo card of history is "empire falls apart after a couple centuries of being an imperial power," and that was one of the major inspirations for me making this story, a "fall of America" that looks less like Mad Max and more like the dissolution of the Ottoman empire - a massive polity breaking apart into multiple rump states, new nations fighting over borders, shocking changes and equally shocking continuities, the scramble not just to survive but also to fill the sudden vacuum of identity. But also there's a vtuber president and a terminally-online trans girl ninja swordmaster.
was reading @manorpunk's swordmaster girlfailure (as we all are) and was immediately enamored by sunny. done from memory so some things are off but like!!! my sunny!
Thinking to myself "they can't possibly have written this entire 20 000 word fic exclusively in 4chan greentext format", like a fool.
Give us the fic
> be me > 22 year old baby trans in the Most Serene Republic of Greater Caliphornia, year of our lord 2069 > no talents or skills aside from a mastery of the Hissatsu Ougi > (my parents were transphobic ninjas)
Let the record reflect that you asked for this.
@lidsel replied:
I'm desperately curious about your daily internet navigation routine that takes you these places.
I mostly just look up what's being referenced when people blorbotag my shitposts.
oh hey I’m getting way more notes than usual today I wonder why thaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
just read the latest chapters of swordmaster girlfailure and snort-laughed in a slightly painful way at the words "appalachian khaganate," man I hope anon meets some of these (very committed to the bit given their local geography) hillbilly horse lords!
okay listen, hear me out, let me explain. You might think "horse lords in a mountainous area? that doesn't make sense!" but listen:
- it's Appalachia, not Tibet. It's mostly made up of rolling hills and wide valleys - the sorts of valleys that make for very valuable choke points and passageways that might be too rugged for your average car but can be traversed quickly and reliably on horseback
- Control of these passageways would give them access to the fertile grasslands of southern Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee to feed all those horses
- speaking of which - Kentucky! The Kentucky Derby! The surviving cultural institution of horseback riding! Kentucky and Tennessee have developed multiple breeds of horses designed specifically with Appalachian terrain in mind!
- this isn't related to my point but I just realized people in the Appalachian Khaganate would probably go apeshit for Uma Musume. The highest honor for a battlefield commander is being able to carry the standard of your horsegirl of choice into battle, and obviously you can't have duplicates if someone else already chose the same horsegirl so when the current standard-bearer of Gold Ship dies it causes a succession crisis that nearly tears the Khaganate apart
and yeah they're def gonna eventually become a plot point
peace and unity was finally restored to the khaganate after the decree of Batu Skaggs, which stated that alternate costumes didn't count as 'the same' horsegirl. While most were satisfied with the decision, there has been lingering tensions over whether the concept art designs count as an 'alternate costume'
just read the latest chapters of swordmaster girlfailure and snort-laughed in a slightly painful way at the words "appalachian khaganate," man I hope anon meets some of these (very committed to the bit given their local geography) hillbilly horse lords!
okay listen, hear me out, let me explain. You might think "horse lords in a mountainous area? that doesn't make sense!" but listen:
- it's Appalachia, not Tibet. It's mostly made up of rolling hills and wide valleys - the sorts of valleys that make for very valuable choke points and passageways that might be too rugged for your average car but can be traversed quickly and reliably on horseback
- Control of these passageways would give them access to the fertile grasslands of southern Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee to feed all those horses
- speaking of which - Kentucky! The Kentucky Derby! The surviving cultural institution of horseback riding! Kentucky and Tennessee have developed multiple breeds of horses designed specifically with Appalachian terrain in mind!
- this isn't related to my point but I just realized people in the Appalachian Khaganate would probably go apeshit for Uma Musume. The highest honor for a battlefield commander is being able to carry the standard of your horsegirl of choice into battle, and obviously you can't have duplicates if someone else already chose the same horsegirl so when the current standard-bearer of Gold Ship dies it causes a succession crisis that nearly tears the Khaganate apart
and yeah they're def gonna eventually become a plot point
A Brief Look at the Major (and Minor) Post-Crisis States of 2069
New Englanders: “We have successfully put aside our petty regional differences to unite against our common enemy: Mainers.”
Tidewater: “the continued existence of anyone who isn’t exactly like us is a never-ending indignity that we all must endure. Also, we’re not responsible for Philadelphia.”
Piedmont: “Yes, there was a race war. Yes, the white side lost. Yes, we live with the constant simmering fear that we’re going to glance over our shoulder and see tanks rolling over the hills for round two. But other than that things are pretty okay.”
Free New York: “Grunst the Rat-King is polling remarkably well among the 18 to 34 sewer-dwelling demographic. Also, we’re not responsible for Philadelphia.”
Great Lakes Republic: “The fact that we’re a large nation with porous borders and a dozen mid-sized cities rather than one really big city means that we’re kind of like America’s Germany, which is an awesome historical comparison with no unfortunate implications. Chicago? No, Chicago is its own thing.”
Chicago: “You must bow before the Lightfoot Daimyo before we will speak with you.”
Philadelphia: “You might be thinking ‘wow, look at this burning, toxic, post-industrial hellscape, the Polycrisis must have really hit this place hard’ but that’s just what Philly’s always looked like baybee! FUCK YOU!”
Front Range: “our desire to recolonize more land is hindered by how that land is, unfortunately, Wyoming.”
Greater Texas: “The oil wells may have dried up, global warming may have ruined our farms and ranches, but at times like this we need to remember what’s really important: Muslims have taken over the goldam moon.”
Philadelphia: *pelts you with batteries*
Cascadia: “maybe we could finally throw off the yoke of Californian oppression if we could go five minutes without puppygirls hacking our government servers.”
California: “Honestly we didn’t even need to join the Usonian Union, we’d be totally fine on our own, we just joined because we felt sorry for Sunny Roosevelt, we figured she ought to have someone who could class the place up and show her - don’t look under that sheet. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it, just - I SAID DON’T”
Part 2: The Ones that Aren’t in the Usonian Union
The Kingdom of Acadiana-Orleans: “if you’re surprised that Louisiana went full on neo-feudal at the first opportunity, you really haven’t been paying attention.”
Očhéthi Šakówiŋ: “so the Bureau of Indian Affairs is dead and nobody cares even a little bit what happens in the Dakotas? Well, don’t mind if we do! After all, nobody else is living here so we can just take whatever we want, right?”
Disneystadt: “After meditating for three days in the sacred Hall of Presidents, the oracle will emerge with predictions for the fall harvest. She will also take enough ketamine to drop a rhino during this process, though I feel like that was implied.”
The Appalachian Khanate: “Oh so we spent decades learning horse archery but now suddenly everyone wants to ‘go back to normal’ and ‘stop being the sworn enemy of all who dwell within walls.’ Foller yer own lights.”
Midwest Autonomous Region: “You might be thinking ‘wow, look at this desolate and god-forsaken landscape devoid of life, the Polycrisis must have hit this place really hard’ but that’s just what Nebraska’s always looked like.”
Addendum: The Southwest
Sun Corridor Federation: “Yeah, it sucks that the local sheriff has jus primae noctis over the whole neighborhood but sometimes that’s just the price you pay for a house with a pool.”
New Deseret: "We're doing great! Everything's great :) the Polycrisis was an opportunity in disguise, a chance for us to build the city on the hill and spread the glory of the true faith of Mormonism by creating a society of brotherly love and freedom from poverty. :) Have a fruit basket as a welcoming gift. :) Come, stay a while. At least stick around for the weekly public flogging of sinners. :) Would you like another fruit basket? :)”
Navajo Nation: "The future sucks man, skin-walkers are on LinkedIn now. I swear I just saw one shilling a new crypto scam.”
Las Vegas: (was annihilated in 205X when The Sphere gained sentience)
El Norte: "Podrías pensar 'Guau, no hay siñales de civilización y el clima intenta matarme por cada manera posible, el Polycrisis debe haber roto este lugar totalmente,’ pero siempre ha sido así."
shoutout to all of the comments saying “actually New England would hate Connecticut/Massachusetts/New Hampshire/Rhode Island/Vermont/actually yeah we do hate Maine”
GODDAMMIT
are you telling me that Kansas City has a literal UNDERGROUND CITY called “SubTropolis” built by the founder of the Kansas City Chiefs and I am just now learning about this AFTER OUTLINING THE KANSAS CITY ARC
I gotta change or add something to the outline because I am legally required to make this a plot point
just realized the story is up and longer on AO3 and it has me giggling hysterically. Anon encountering Sunny for the first time is a delight, I love when larger than life characters who the readers know about intersect with the normal people on the ground
Yaaaay! ❤️ I’m glad that came across, where it’s like she’s meeting ‘the canon character’ even though they’re all my OCs. Or like if Mr. House was a cute anime girl. In my notes I have “talking to Sunny Roosevelt should feel like being emotionally shanghaied” lol. And I’m glad to hear that the jokes are still landing even as I turn it into a more ‘proper’ story with conflict and drama and stakes and stuff (though I still don’t know if I’ll ever top “aww horsey :(“)