there's always some bullshit happening on reddit

Gandalf: Oh, you don’t want to go on an adventure? Don’t want to be cool like your mom because you care too much about what other people think of you? Don’t want to take the risk of a little discomfort to develop lifelong friendships? Scared of a little dragon? Oh well. Guess I’ll have to find another closeted middle-aged hobbit to help the leader of our company……. Oh, who’s that you ask? No one of importance. He’s only [opens the door] the Hottest Man You’ve Ever Seen In Your Life™

i miss her... come back...

(this is about quick queue button)

I Was So Good And Polite They Are Putting Me In The Touch Tank At Aquarium Tomorrow.

me: [posting in the maid gc] yeah my lady screamed at me and threw bottles at my head cus i talked while she was reading her novellas again. any advice

maid 1: poison her

maid 2: yea poison her

maid 3: i have a connect on some really strong untraceable poisons if you want

me: girls she makes me try all of her food before she eats it how am i gonna poison her

maid 1: put it in her mouth while she sleeps

maid 2: ^this. worked like a charm for my sister

maid 3: yeah dm me i have a bunch of techniques that might work

maid 4: have you tried seducing her? maybe she just needs to have her heart warmed so she may show you the kindness you deserve

maid 2: MARY

maid 1: cmon mary

maid 3: just because YOUR lady has sex with you doesn't mean everyone's lady does

me: no wait she does like to put her fingers in my mouth to check if i swallowed her food. and i'm pretty sure she squeezed my ass once

maid 4: yeah exactly. message me i can tell yoy more

maid 3: whatever. if you need the poison just hit me up

maid 5: girls do you know how to get wine out of satin

maid 1: how recent is the spill

maid 5: a few days old

maid 2: you're fucked

Why is it that every time I google something like "Are olives poisonous to cats" the top results are always like "Fun fact: Cats are carnivores! This means that they eat meat. There is no reason to include olives in a cat's diet. You should feed your cat cat food, which is dry or wet food especially designed for cats. You can purchase this at a store." like is there a single person alive on the planet who's googled "Are blueberry muffins safe for cats" because they're planning on switching their cat to a muffin-only diet??? No, I'm asking because the little bastard somehow popped open the packet while I was putting away the groceries and dragged one under the couch before I could react and now I need to know if I should call the after-hours vet. "Cats should not eat spaghetti." NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!! "Try to keep human food away from cats." i live in a studio apartment with a completely silent and permanently hungry apex predator who has the intelligence of a toddler and the desperate Machiavellian cunning of a creature who spent his formative months on the streets. He can already open doors and he is this 👌 close to learning how to open the microwave. He is stronger than me and covered in knives. So im gonna do my best but for the moment i just need you to tell me whether this yoghurt is going to kill my son y/n

Well you should’ve named yourself something else then

Green onion mantra

"Fuck canon" has its virtues as an interpretive stance, but you've gotta know what the canon is before you can fuck it.

Sign leading to the Devastation Trail at the Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park

You can cut past like 90% of gender essentialism by shifting from "men are like X because they're men, and women are like Y because they're women" to "people are held to different standards, given different amounts of criticism, grace, encouragement etc based on positionality and they change and grow as a result."

she cries if I dont hold her, so I have to use my exercise bike like this

Taping my third eye closed like a webcam

Anti abortion billboards will legitimately say some shit like “am I just a creampie to you mommy?”

you ever just hand things to ur pet to sniff so they can feel included