Does this to you

Ikea’s modular sofa designer is Game of the Year

He gets up like nothing happened . he doesn't even care

You can pinpoint the exact moment he turns to liquid

My boss summoned me to Disneyland to see a transmasculine person she met in a gender neutral bathroom there

Ragebaiting my fat dog? More like master baiting my fat hog!!!!!!!!

❗️Great Hog is displeased by this.

The kingly pig looks taken aback by this statement. "You claim to be 'baiting' our kind?.. A master of it, no less - after all the trust we hsve placed in you?"

- Your relationship with the Hog Society 🐖 is now Unfavourable.

whenever i google something and the "Your Search Returned 0 (Zero) Results You Idiot" yeti appears, I go into the inspect element HTML tree and delete their limbs one by one

die you stupid bitch

I guess we’re having pasta, then

okay.

my dad (Maori) works on a ship with all Maori/Tongan/Samoan fisherman- and one Aussie guy called Jake.

And that wasn't done on purpose just sort of how it ended up, but Jake recently got an injury so they put him on a Different boat just for a little bit (a sit in the wheelhouse and scout type of boat, instead of the main fishing one) and he only got back to my dad's ship today and he was apparently like Shaking. He was Traumatised.

Dad said Jake kept pulling him aside and going "They were all yelling on there, but in a MEAN way" "They didn't clean... Like at ALL"

Jake experienced what a boat full of old school Aussie fisherman is like. That is the norm Jake. You just happened to be on the all Island boy boat on your first go out. "It was time for dinner and they had FROZEN nuggets" Jake that's what they have on ships that are out at sea for months at a time.

On my dad's boat they are eating fresh fish and coconut milk Ceviche. They're grilling steaks on an open bbq on the deck that probably is not regulation. All the guys have their own special knives to prepare sashimi every couple days. Everyone is happily doing their own work so they can clock out early and set up a movie on the deck. Jake did you genuinely believe that's what every boat was doing.

Local Australian man is fed fresh juices and smoked fish for first time- refuses to go back to beef jerky boat life

jake that first night when they served a freezer tray tv dinner and not an overflowing plate of fish that's probably going for conservatively like $40-$80 bucks a kilo but the guys decided Eh we'll catch more let's just fry it up:

1. You're right I kinda like frozen nuggets but maybe it's cause I have fresh seafood Often and Plentifully

2. SPEAKING OF scurvy-

Can I genuinely say, my dad is a Tough captain, he is, you have to be to keep people safe in one of the most dangerous jobs in the world- so the good food is not a careless luxury, it's an active choice he's making that genuinely saves time and money.

Like it's HARD work, and the fishing season takes place during the harshest summers in the world (I am not using hyperboles, Australia is the hottest place in the world currently) if you don't sustain yourself you WILL drop. Dehydration, seasickness, heatstroke- these will happen.

And also what happens SO often is you hire a bunch of young guys for a season, it's always some 18 year old moving nets all day and if their mother isn't here to make them to do it- they DON'T eat fruit. They don't eat ANY fruit.

Scurvy is not an 18th century pirate disease- you will get it. Listen to me teen boy.

So going out of your way to ask your cook (or a lot of boats don't have cooks! So waking up early and doing it yourself!) to take all that fruit and juice it all down into yummy colour drink that the boys will drink is a genuinely good use of time😭

So no scurvy in my dad's ship hooray😂💪

Okay kids buckle up for the INSANE story I just heard from my little brother

**As a disclaimer my brother is a cis straight dude who only dates the most basic white girls you can find. He's very emotionally aware but doesn't linger on his emotions, just processes them and moves on (this is wild to me)**

He calls me on my break just to say hi, that he’s driving back to Denver from visiting his girlfriend, to which I respond “didn’t you break up with your girlfriend (of like a month) last month” and to which he says “yeah I have a new girlfriend, we’ve been together four weeks but I went up to spend the weekend and meet her friends” and I’m like ok great this is already ridiculous

So we’re chatting and I’m teasing him about how he doesn’t sleep with people on first dates and he says that he’s changed his policy, it’s just that he won’t have sex with them if he’d rather be doing something else, so I joke that I’ve had that where I’d rather be watching the show Chernobyl (true) and he says “yeah or watching a movie with my housemate” and I say hey bud that’s kind of gay and he says yeah I actually had a weird gay moment last night

And I go oh???? And he goes yeah, I was at the bar with the girlfriend and some of her friends and one of them was a guy and we were hitting it off, doing a little flirting as you do with your bros at the bar~

And then my cis straight brother goes on to explain that sometimes when you’re out with the homies and you’re having a good time and the vibes are right you just give em a little kiss, like just a kiss on the mouth between bros, “no tongue or anything like that but just to express that you’re close and having a good time”

I’m like “My dude that’s not a thing” and he’s like “between confident straight men it is” and I’m like “NO IT’S NOT"

So there we’ve got my brother having casual queerplatonic relationships with his homies at the bar, and he’s telling me this and I’m obviously speechless, so he goes on and he’s like “so because this guy and I were hitting it off I go in for a little kiss and he fucking swerves me” and I’m like yes my guy but because my brother is actually very good with respecting boundaries he was like “ok man great communication, won’t do it again"

BUT

Apparently my brother and the dude and my brother's GIRLFRIEND who has been there the WHOLE TIME go outside (I assume to have a cigarette but he didn’t tell me that part) and the guy turns to my brother and is like “man I should have kissed you when you offered it” and my brother is like “cool good shit man” like in the most bro way possible and then the guy grabs his face between his hands and just PLANTS a big one on his mouth

And THEN the guy panics and shoves him down on the ground!! And my brother has the normal reaction to being shoved on the ground unexpectedly which is to say “what the FUCK” and the girlfriend says “what the FUCK” and the guy goes “what the FUCK” and leaves

And my brother ended the story there and was musing on it like "this guy obviously has some complexes to work through about his sexuality, no confident straight man kisses another confident straight man and then panics and runs away”

Which took me out at the KNEES lol

And that, dear readers, is the batshit story my brother told me!

OH MY GOD AND

AND

I told my coworker this and they were like I’m actually shipping him and his roommate and I was like HUH because I hadn't considered that and then later my brother sent me a photo of his housemate wearing sexy handcuffs

nice

#WILD#this is so validating for fic writers everywhere#your blorbo Can In Fact Be that oblivious

love the prev tags

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

OP the tags!!

reblog to microwave them faster

the speed of 20 reblogs... what could 100 do...

THE POWER OF 100 REBLOGS…!

GUYS STOP THEY'RE GETTING DIZZY

[it might be a while before the power increases because the microwaver (me) didn't expect y'all to want to rotate them so badly lolol]

THIS IS TOO MUCH

OH GOD

The people demand more rotation!

I'm demon

Hey!

I'm at least level 20 or so!

In fact, I'm probably level 50 or even level 80! A cool demon queen!

I'm basically the final boss! So you should respect and fear me and give me praise!

Uh.... The demon queen is... between banks right now, so...... That is, I have no use for foolish minions such as you!

Ahh, you want to recruit me so bad? Hehehe... It's good of you to recognize my greatness! I suppose I could indulge you... But is your weakling little party worthy of one such as I?

I would like to formally file my application to join your party..... please consider me.... thank you for this opportunity.....

I've never been more devastated that I'm going to miss an event in my life. What a fucking icon.

Via bsky

never mind, I can make it!!

Update;

She expected maybe 5-10 people to show up. There were about 100.

I gave out scotch eggs to commemorate the occasion.

She gave a beautiful speech, was blindfolded, then kicked REAL good. Crumpled. Gave us a thumbs up.

Applause. Then the flute. Then a moment's silence.

Absolutely beautiful. I fucking love trans people and Glasgow and trans Glaswegians.

"Ok, ma'am that'll be 226.03$."

I take my wallet out of my pocket and unfold it. It is empty other than a single moth that lazily flies out. The moth lands on the tap point of the card reader. There's a beat, and my payment is processed. The moth flies back into my wallet and I put it back in my pocket.