hello, i have not been on tumblr a lot lately, as i have actually been sort of having half a life that doesn’t suck. i have two partners i am still squirmily happy about after nearly a YEAR (?!?); i am starting a few classes since i realized oh yeah i’m a san francisco resident i can basically take classes for free; i even got out of town for a few days for my birthday last week to go camping + hotel with pool with my partner and it was perfect. i am no longer on the medication that culminated with me hallucinating wildly and ultimately in the hospital for two days and i feel so vindicated, i joined a discord server specifically for that medication, and it’s like boy howdy that’s not uncommon. and getting sterilized is in the works!’
i also still spend a lot of time drooling on myself on the internet, and rewatching the same thing time after time (BUT ALSO SANDMAN and am on OFMD probably 3rd watch) but also in the last ten days i think i’ve spent all of two nights at home sans company, and holy fucking shit so much sex, getting old rules
still weird to me that i have been dating not one but two dudes for just about eight months, and i remain increasingly more into both of them, on top of my very weird and complicated but honestly fairly warm and fuzzy household relationship dynamics. like, for the first time in my life, i’m able to say (still with difficulty) that i’m upset about something without being afraid it’s gonna be the end of the world instead of, like, a conversation. wild.
(also i am in quarantine lockdown for at least another couple weeks and miss the dudes a lot but am also so grateful that my quarantine means being stuck with my family that i love most in the world so i might be a little sappy on both counts)
friday i got my consultation about getting my tubes tied -- because, y’know, US government -- i didn’t really think i was gonna get much pushback, since for one i’m in san francisco and for two, i’m 40 -- and i didn’t, gyno talked to me for like five minutes, apologized for having to give me a pamphlet about other options, gave me basic info i should be good to go in a month -- but i am so delighted at her after-visit notes:
40 Y G0P0000 desiring permanent sterilization via tubal ligation. She declines all other forms of contraception including LARC. She has never wanted children, and has never been pregnant. She continues to not want children.
i am uncomfortably smitten. problem is, i am uncomfortably smitten with, like... *wavy hands* a few people to put it mildly. and as someone who didn’t really have IRL friends for several years, let alone dating, LET ALONE navigating polyamory, i’m super scared i’m gonna fuck this up and hurt people, or myself. they’re also all so awesome and different, and seem like healthy relationships? and nothing is secret or gross or anything. at least i’m really hitting peak fuckin’ bisexuality here.
anyway how’ve y’all been
the eyes of sibiu
the eyes of sibiu
The eyes of Sibiu followed me like the dead, like they follow everyone wandering under their watchful roofs. I felt their weight more keenly, maybe, as the tension in the world coiled and crept along borders, as though they were waiting for my answer. I changed my plans for the first time in Sibiu. Or for the fiftieth, maybe, but the first time as the specter of that spring began nipping at my…
my 3000-miles-away cat was diagnosed with terminal cancer this morning
(my dementia-addled father’s reaction was “huh! well how about that!”)
we’re still not over losing our dog here last month
i have five more therapy appointments in the next three days and i already had two today
i can’t even drink for at least another week if not longer
i just wanna sleep
i murmur to myself a lot, because i always am worried i’m boring people with my endless self-indulgent travel stories, but i’m still thinking about the time i somehow ended up hanging out for a day in nyc with my Filipino-American and Black friends from Detroit and my German friend, that i met in a moroccan hostel and just randomly went to the coast of africa a day later, and my Bosnian friend i met when we all reconnected in berlin a few months later, and whenever i recount it to myself i’m like my life is not normal
2020 was a fucking shitshow but at the end of it, my cat in florida is still healthy, all of the pets here got through their health issues -- and, astonishingly, my brother got his literal dream job -- which happens to be in our hometown, so my mother, on christmas, got the news that she suddenly no longer is faced with spending the rest of her life caring for my awful father until he dies and then alone. so that, like, doesn’t suck.
MRI SUMMARY:
** IMPRESSION **:
1. High-grade near complete chronic tear of the anterior talofibular ligament.
2. High signal or edema at the lateral fibular tip, consider contusion or stress changes.
3. Acute grade 2 mild sprain of the proximal deep deltoid ligament/deep tibiotalar ligament from the medial malleolus attachment.
4. 6 x 4 mm chondral fissuring with subchondral cystic changes in the anterior central tibial plafond.
5. Small tibiotalar and posterior subtalar joint effusion.
6. Mild fatty atrophy of the flexor digiti minimi muscle likely from chronic denervation changes.
---
i know what, like, some of those words mean by themselves, but have a podiatry appointment wednesday morning (virtual) who will hopefully explain it in not-a-doctor terminology and figure out options. but hey, diagnoses!
talked to doctor today about ankle MRI results, and i still don’t have the actual report but my foot is absolutely as fucked as i thought it was! -- which honestly is a good thing, i was so scared they’d tell me nothing’s wrong. one ligament (”always tears first,” the most common injury) is nearly completely severed, several others across my foot are sprained, including one on the inside, something-something to do with the bone connecting to the ligaments in my foot, and “some fluid.” gf was trying to take notes on the call but couldn’t in fact keep up with all the fuckery. should have the report today (in theory) and appt with podiatrist maybe next week, but “i don’t know if there’s enough of the ligament left for surgery to help” is sad but also validating and i feel like it’s a weird thing to brag about but i’m so glad it actually is fucked up and i’m not making it up
and also yes i absolutely wandered through bulgaria and romania and london and new jersey and atlanta and charlotte and florida and san francisco with a foot that literally... does not work. self-preservation is a full-time occupation.