I felt so valuable back in 2022/23, like I was worth taking care of and worth working on myself and like I was lovable and a fun person to talk to and spend time with. But all of that has disappeared and I'm just so fucking lost and drowning in grief like literally what is the point. There is nobody left to improve myself for
my whole life is based around "Make Someone Happy" (MSH) and "Make Someone Sad" (MSS) activities. Everything I do does one or the other, so obviously I usually choose the first one.
(Note1 : "Make Someone Angry" is NOT one of the options, but sometimes it happens anyway, which fucks the whole system and is eternally confusing and can only be fixed by the "Apologize" action.)
(Note 2: "Make MYSELF Happy" actions do not exist, happiness is only achieved when other people are made happy by my MSH action.)
If I know something is a "Make Someone Sad" activity, I don't do it. That is the entire basis of everything I do. If I do it accidentally, I 1) own up 2) apologize and 3) atone with MSH actions.
(Note 3: "Someone" is anyone I care about and have a previously established Friendship or Best Friendship with. Not like, a random coworker)
But apparently others just don't think that way??? People I care about are very often actively and deliberately doing MSS activities to me for reasons that are utterly incomprehensible to me. And I have made it very clear what makes me sad. So why do they still do those things? Do they not care if I'm sad? Doesn't the thought of hurting me hurt them? What the fuck drives other people or makes them happy, if it's not MSH activities? It seems so selfish to me, I just don't get it and I'm so tired
Just discovered that the reason everyone has been withdrawing from me like I have the literal plague is that I'm doing so fucking bad that it's making other people upset and they want to distance themselves to not get hurt :) Unfortunately the reason I'm doing so bad is because people keep withdrawing from me like I have the literal plague :) how the fuck do you break that cycle
the thing that always vexes me about social interaction is. the people who (I assume) care about me know very well what makes me happy and what hurts me. I am very clear about these things. And yet people constantly do things that hurt me, knowing that they are hurting me (a person they claim to love) by doing them. People actively choose not to make me happy and to instead make me sad. While knowing that I specifically adjust my own actions and behaviors to do the opposite for them. But there is no reciprocity. I try so hard to make people feel loved and happy and yet people very very rarely extend that same effort towards me.
Which leads me to believe that either people want to hurt me, inexplicably – or they simply do not consider me or my feelings even if we are ostensibly close. Or they do, and decide I am not important enough to be afforded consideration. Not worth it, if the action that hurts me is the one that is even a smidgeon more comfortable or easier for them. Both options fucking hurt and it drives me fucking insane that I cannot solve this
truly fighting for my fucking life every saturday morning lol. out in the fucking agoraphobia trenches
turns out when you grow up having extreme, debilitating hyperfixations and everybody constantly tells you you're cringe and annoying and "insane" for an intensity that you simply cannot control or turn down, and you become extremely isolated and your parents say it's your own fault that you have no friends because you only care about your hyperfixations and never shut up about them. then that actually sticks with you a lil bit