Calling the executive’s demeanor “unnervingly jovial,” company sources confirmed Tuesday that Chevron CEO Mike Wirth sure was in a good mood this week. “Man, normally that guy is a first-rate asshole, so something must be up,” said an anonymous employee, who noted that the typically stone-faced executive had pulled into his reserved parking spot that morning singing along to “Uptown Girl” with the windows down.
Cameron Winter, the Geese frontman who made his solo debut with the LP Heavy Metal, has been hailed by fans as a Gen Z Leonard Cohen. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.
Lauding the breakthrough as a pivotal moment in the search for stones beyond the solar system, researchers at NASA announced Tuesday the discovery of a distant planet with perfect conditions for sustaining rocks. “After analysis of HD 101581 b’s atmosphere and surface conditions, we are confident this astronomical body meets all known criteria for supporting rocks,” said NASA administrator Jared Isaacman, specifying that the warm, dry atmosphere and presence of elements such as potassium and calcium point to the exoplanet containing an abundance of sand, pebbles, and other key building blocks of rocks.
Testimonies given to the House committee investigating the January 6, 2021 Capitol riot have brought new information to light about what happened that day, including the involvement of then-President Donald Trump. The Onion offers a graphical primer to understanding how the January 6 riot unfolded
As he wandered aimlessly through the halls of the U.S. Capitol building, lost Jan. 6 rioter Alex Morris told reporters Tuesday that he was still searching for former Vice President Mike Pence. “Oh my God, how am I back in Statuary Hall again? Where the hell is Pence?” said Morris, tucking a noose under his arm while opening Google Maps and reorienting himself in the direction of the National Mall.
Delighting his schoolmates as he weaved a rich tapestry of life in the United States, newly returned British exchange student Ethan Rowe, 15, reportedly regaled his friends Tuesday with stories of food that tastes good. “In America they use salt, and they have sauces other than malt vinegar and brown!” Rowe said to growing throngs of uniformed secondary schoolers, who oohed and aahed at his descriptions of “leafy vegetables” and of sausages that had texture and were not made of coagulated blood.
Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered his pastry-laden fork Thursday, reporting that nothing could deter the 68-year-old as he forged ahead in his pursuit of numbness with a third slice of pie. “I can still hear that voice in my head telling me to slow down, but I won’t let it stop me,” DiLuzio said as he doggedly lifted another bite of warmed-over crust and fruit filling to his mouth, deriving no pleasure from the act in his relentless determination to eliminate all feeling from his experience of the moment.
Voicing displeasure at her blatant disregard for his privacy, area teenager Chad Fleming reported Wednesday that he is fed up with his mother always barging into his room to put away freshly washed laundry. “Jesus, Mom! Why can’t you just respect my personal space?” a visibly angered Fleming told his mother, who entered his bedroom unannounced carrying a basket full of clothes that she had spent the previous two hours separating by color, washing, and neatly folding.
Emphasizing the local parish’s dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary’s Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. “Times are tough right now, but we want divorcées and unwed moms to know they can rely on the church to cast doubt on their way of life,” said parish administrator Dianne Barry, explaining that priests and nuns would be available around the clock to provide a disapproving “hmmm,” a raised eyebrow, or a critical sneer to any single mothers struggling to get by.
Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro. “Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement, I’ll be married to Mrs. Maduro,” Trump said in a news conference in which he repeatedly insisted his position as Flores de Maduro’s temporary spouse would not interfere with his current obligations to Melania Trump.