can’t knit tonight bc my left hand is burning and the ring finger feels painfully loose at the knuckle joint again! i may have to look into finger braces bc i can’t keep being in this much pain. i’m one ball of yarn away from the shawl being finished though so hopefully tomorrow it will be done (decrease side always knits up at lightspeed). earlier i found all of the pink and red watercolours and picked the ones i like best, but it took so long that i didn’t have time to draw anything so i’ll do that tomorrow too. i didn’t end up buying any ~new things~ and feel glad about it. i’m tired so may put a dangerous method on bc i love the colours and clothing in that film
today so far i’ve stopped myself from ordering yarn, sketchbooks and watercolours. it’s because i feel sad over what happened this morning, but i know material things won’t be a bandaid for it and it’s why i’m fighting against it so hard
i already have beautiful things here at home so instead of buying anything else i’m going to curate a new little palette of watercolours from the ones i already own and use it to paint some illustrations. not sure if they’ll turn out well but it’s besides the point (which is to not go insane). i like the combination of red and pink at the moment and i know i have some sennelier pans i hid away in the back of the wardrobe last year bc i didn’t work with those colours then…
it’s really hard for me to resist buying stuff bc a.gallo have three colours i’ve loved for a while and it’s soooo tempting. pietra rose, lilac and ruby red. and the lilac pith sketchbook i have my eye on… god… i must have resolve
the appointment was booked with the same lady i saw previously but i ended up seeing someone i’ve never spoken to before so had to re-explain everything which led to so much confusion. ended up just asking for famotidine to take alongside loratadine which she allowed so i’ll pick that up tomorrow or whatever. we spent a lot of time going over the symptoms i had but she still wrote it down inaccurately. like confirming the flushing / rash episodes can last up to 12 hours and reappear multiple times daily most of the time only for her to write down that it doesn’t last more than an hour… i give up.
i think i’ve found a reputable allergy consultant who is knowledgeable about mcas (and is interested in adhd / autism so likely knows about pots / eds too) so i might just starve even harder and save up for an appointment and proceed from there. bc i really can’t see a way through this now except by brute forcing the nhs to prescribe medication by having a private doctor write up the care plan after diagnosing me. i can’t afford it at all and it’s going to take months and months to even save for the initial consultation but i don’t have a choice anymore
i know i’m just getting pissed off and anxious bc i have to go see the gp again tomorrow and it absolutely is going to be pointless like all the previous times i’ve begged them for help. ah. vote now on whether i should suddenly fake having asthma to get a ketotifen prescription or would that be too obvious lmao
i think i just found out why the gp won’t refer me to any specialists for the anaphylaxis symptoms? i came across an nhs webpage that details the referral protocol and it literally says “we see patients with confirmed mastocytosis to support the management of allergic complications, but we do not see patients with suspected mast cell activation syndrome”… so i can’t see anyone or receive any support for the mcas and i can’t get a rheumatology referral for the pain from inflammation throughout my body bc they refuse to see patients with ehlers danlos syndrome… ?! uh. i… don’t know what to think
The living room in Johannesgate - Ida Lorentzen
Norwegian - American , b. 1951 -
Oil on canvas
chickpeas are also on my try list bc i miss hummus so badly. i have no idea if tinned would be better than dried but i’ll eventually trial both and see what happens. i’ve come to accept that i’ll likely never be able to have chilli, tomato or probably any other nightshades and fermented / aged foods ever again but if i can at least get some other protein sources besides chicken and mozzarella i’ll be a bit happier. i want to be able to build muscle again, the atrophy that came with the weight loss has been unreal. i lived off tofu, eggs and beef so to not have any of them for almost a year has been tragic and i feel weak bc of it. anyway,
goat cheese seems fine so far which gives me hope that maybe if i keep trying to reintroduce foods i will eventually be able to eat semi-normally again? it didn’t make my tummy rumble as i ate it which is a really good sign. apparently quail eggs aren’t problematic for histamine and potentially have mast cell stabilising properties so i’ll try those next!
what is it about waking up early that makes my body go yes cake for breakfast would be really great right now? you can’t have that! that’s bad! pastries are barely permissible and if i could tolerate them maybe yeah but cake!! cake?! i’m about to go grocery shopping so maybe i can get a little bread roll and goat cheese but last time i had a tiny bread treat i was punished so this may just be asking for trouble. i wish i could go back to the days when i woke up and made three fried eggs on sourdough toast with orange juice. god.