explorerrowan:

doodle-girl:

injuries-in-dust:

“We’ve gone too far.”

I’ll bet the lemon stealing whore created this recipe

“Heavy on the citrus.”

Yeah, I’ll bet, bud.

gallusrostromegalus:

snowfox102:

gallusrostromegalus:

So it’s Flu Season again, and this recipe for Tea To Fix What Ails You was given to me by a Christian friend, and I’ve taken to calling it JESUS TEA due to it’s miraculous properties.  Even though it, technically, contains no tea.  This tea is as caffinie-free as anything processed in a US plant can get, but be sure to check the provenance and all ingredients in case of allergies.

You will Need:

• A Bigass Pot, becuase this is something you make in large quantities
  
• working stovetop
• those lil cloth sachets you use for wassail/empty teabags/those lil reuseable loose-leaf tea steepers.

Recipe:

• about a quart of water
  
• 1 cup apple cider
• about half a lemon’s worth of juice
• a shitwhack of honey- try to get as local as possible and generally the less-processed the better if you want to build a resistance to local allergens. If you have allergy concerns or don’t like the taste of honey, go ahead and use more processed stuff/another sweetener instead.
• three tablespoons/three bags chamomile tea
• three tablespoons/three bags rooibos tea
• teaspoon crushed cloves
• 1 cinnamon stick (more if you like it spicier)
• ¼ tsp nutmeg
• 1/8 tsp cayenne or white pepper

Bring water to a simmer in the pot.  Add the chamomile, rooibos and spices to steep about 4-5 minutes or longer if you like tea-flavored tar which given you have the flu you probably do.  Add Cider, Lemon Juice and Honey until dissolved.  Drink all of this in the course of an hour to stay hydrated, make more pots as needed or until you pass out. 

FOR MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS: gargle warm salt water first for as long as you can, it’ll break up the mucus in your throat and soothe the soreness.

This stuff is hecking delicious, and my dad claims it cured his cold. I’ve taken to drinking it just because it tastes good! Thank you for sharing! :D I also found that you can freeze this stuff in convenient single serving sizes, ready to be heated in the microwave when you don’t have enough spoons to make it fresh. Granted fresh is usually best for most food and drinks, but it’s still good.

I also calculated a single serving version, which I’m putting here in case anyone wants to make it that way:

• 1 cup hot water
• ¼ cup apple cider (or more, I prefer 1/3 cup)
• 1 tbsp honey (or more, to taste)
• a dash of lemon juice
  
• ½ tsp spice mixture
• 1 ½ tbsp tea mixture
  

Mix the spices together in one container, and mix the two kinds of tea together in another. Measure out of these the above amounts. (Don’t try to store the two things together, the spices will sink to the bottom and you won’t get the right measurements.)

Use a tea infuser/tea bag/cheesecloth/whatever to keep the herb bits from floating off into your drink. Steep for the usual 4-5 minutes, then add the cider, honey, and lemon.

Side note: ground cloves is cheaper for me so I use ½ tsp of that instead of 1 of whole. I also like cinnamon a lot so I use ¼ tsp ground cinnamon instead of a stick (also sticks are really expensive here). If you use a stick, break it into little pieces. The downside of ground cinnamon is that it kind of congeals if you don’t stir it periodically, so keep a spoon handy as you drink.

Since people have been asking for this (I guess the flu/common cold is going around agian), have it again, NOW WITH SINGLE SERVING SIZE, THANK YOU @snowfox102  for doing the math for me!

helpeverythingiscats:

gae-bolg-alternative-dot-exe:

sabertoothwalrus:

sabertoothwalrus:

I made yeto’s pumpkin/goat cheese/salmon soup and it’s changing my life a little bit, like holy SHIT this yeti knows what he’s doing

heyyyyy it’s october again which means it’s time for

✨Yeto’s Superb Soup✨

I had posted a recipe in the comments last year, but I decided to make a better version

Ingredients:

• one 2lb kabocha (you can use an equal-sized pie pumpkin, but in my opinion kabocha has a much butterier texture and nuttier flavor. Also the yeti uses kabocha in the game so it gets points for accuracy)
• 1-3 carrots (last year the store had the fattest carrot I had ever seen. This year I needed 3 carrots to match that volume. Listen to your heart)
• 2-3 celery stalks (equal to the amount of carrot)
• ½ white onion
• 6 garlic cloves
• (optional) 2 habanero peppers
• mirin/cooking wine
• 1 box of fish stock (if you want it vegetarian, use kelp dashi stock)
• 1 box of vegetable stock
• 4oz goat cheese. I’ve tried making this with cream cheese and feta, but the flavor really doesn’t land right without the goat cheese.
• 1 cup? (<- it was eyeballed) heavy cream
• .7lb filet of salmon
• ??tbsp olive oil
• 6 tbsp butter
• a few pinches of flour
• thyme, paprika, nutmeg, red pepper flakes salt & pepper
• (optional) gronions to garnish

Step 1) Preheat oven to 400°F/204°C. Slice and deseed kabocha

Step 2) coat the pumpkin in a thin layer of olive oil. Season with thyme (I like dried thyme but fresh is better!), ground nutmeg, paprika, red pepper flakes, salt & pepper.

Bake for 30-50 minutes until it’s soft enough to scoop off the rind with a spoon. Thinner kabocha might only take 30 minutes, and thicker kabocha (like below) or a cake pumpkin may take 40+ minutes.

note: if your kabocha/pumpkin is especially thick, your soup may end up tasting sweeter. If you want it more umami, use less of your chosen gourd or maybe add a splash of soy sauce to the broth? Haven’t tried that but it’d probably work

Step 3) Prep all your other veggies while you’re waiting for the pumpkin to bake. Dice the onion and set it aside. Chop the celery & carrots into Chunks and mince the garlique

Step 4) Wait until the timer for the pumpkin has 20 minutes or less left. Heat up your pot/dutch oven on high/med-high heat, melt 2 tbsp of butter, and add the onions. After about 6 minutes, add the garlic. After another few minutes, sprinkle flour and stir, and keep frying until it browns.

Step 5) Add the rest of the butter, the rest of the veggies, and stir. Deglaze the pan with a splash of mirin/cooking wine.

If you timed it right, the pumpkin should be about done. Using a spoon, scoop the rind off the pumpkin. While you do that, periodically check on the veggies, adding another sprinkle of flour and a some of the fish stock as it gets dry. It’ll create a sort of paste and the onions will be pretty browned at this point.

Step 6) Chop the pumpkin & add it to the pot. Add the rest of the stock. If you’re using habanero, slice it and add it now. Add any other seasonings (it may need more salt) to taste. Once the soup boils, turn the heat to low and cover.

Personally, I prefer soups with Chunks in them + I think it’s more authentic to what the yeti made, but if you REALLY feel compelled to blend your soup, do it now.

Step 7) While the soup is heating up, get out a frying pan and add a tablespoon or two of some olive oil/butter on med-high heat. Add the salmon filet to the pan (scale side down) and just let it sit there. Don’t touch it. When it turns opaque halfway up, flip it until it’s fully cooked.

Once it’s cooked, remove it from the pan, remove the skin, and shred it into bite size pieces. If your salmon was really thick like mine was, and some parts of it are still pink, then toss the pink parts back in the pan to let them cook a little longer.

Add the salmon to the soup.

Step 8) Once the soup has been simmering for a few minutes and you’re too impatient to keep waiting, remove it from heat, add the goat cheese & heavy cream, garnish with gronions or whatever herb of choice, and enjoy!

In the game, this soup restores eight hearts, and it truly does feel that replenishing. This soup could cure any disease.

scarlettohairdye:

mrboltaction:

rosalarian:

You may have read my delirious rant about pie last night. You may have been wondering about how to make that pie. An lo, I bring to thee the means to maketh it yourself, the godking of pies, Apple Chicken Pie.

Ingredients:

2 frozen pie crusts (the flakey kind, not the graham cracker kind) One for the bottom, one for the top

2 large baking apples (we used Braeburn)

Cinnamon

Nutmeg

Allspice

Sugar

1 stick butter

8 oz brie (we used a pretty cheap kind, so I imagine a really nice brie would be amazing)

1.5 chicken breasts (cut into small chunks)

Minced onion (to taste)

Basil (to taste)

Garlic (to taste)

Let’s make it!!!

First, preheat your oven to 350 degrees Farenheit. I’m sorry I’m not on the Metric system, but you can figure it out.

Make sure your pie crusts are thawed. The ones we got were already in pie tins, so we just started filling one.

Peel your apples and slice them, just like you’re making a regular pie. Layer one apple’s worth of slices in the bottom of the pie crust.

Combine 1 part cinnamon, 1 part nutmeg, 1 part allspice, 3 parts sugar. We didn’t measure anything, and in fact just bought a jar where the first 3 were already combined. Just mix those things together until it looks good to you. That’s what good cooks do. You just want enough to sprinkle over the apples. So mix it up and sprinkle it on those apples.

Slice up half a stick of butter, and put little butter slices all over the apples.

Slice up half the brie, and put little brie slices all over the butter.

Take the other half of the stick of butter and melt it in a skillet over medium heat. Cook your chicken in this butter. Add minced onion, basil, and garlic to your own individual desires. We are all about freedom and individuality in this kitchen. When it’s all cooked, place the chicken on top of the brie.

Repeat the apple, spice, and brie steps.

Seal that sucker up with the other pie crust, making sure to have some air vents. You can even do the criss-cross thing on top that makes it so fancy.

Bake it at 350 for 1 hour.

Let it cool, or you will burst into flames from the mouth outward by molten pie. And you won’t even get to taste the pie first before you die. And you will want to taste this pie. Don’t put it on the windowsill to cool, because people will steal this pie from you.

When it is cool, dig in and eat! It could be dinner, it could be dessert. It’s a pie for all occasions. Just don’t put whipped cream on it.

WHAT

Not gonna lie, I have been super curious about this pie.

madgastronomer:

passumbapper:

passumbapper:

it’s almost summer do you guys want my stupid hyperoptimized lemonade recipe that takes half a day to make and whips absolute ass

Fruited Lemonade That Makes You Reconsider It All

ingredience:

• lemons/limes (this needs to make up the bulk of the fruit being used, like at least 80%)
• whatever other fruits or fruit scraps you want, plus any herbs/other flavorings you want to try. by fruit scraps I mean things like cherry pits, apple peels, pineapple cores, strawberry ends, things like that.
• granulated white sugar, the coarser the better, 50% by weight of total citrus rinds + 100% by weight of any additional fruit. you’ll measure this after you prep the fruit.
• water as needed

equipment:

• a few nonmetallic mixing bowls
• a mesh strainer
• a chinoise, ricer or some cheesecloth
• a kitchen scale
• a citrus juicer or reamer (manual or electric)
• a potato masher

juice the citrus through a strainer - saving all rinds -  and refrigerate the juice for the time being. dice the rinds and other fruits if any, keeping the rinds separate. make note of weights, and measure your sugar.

 Place sugar in a large nonmetallic bowl. If using non-citrus fruits and/or any other flavorings, mix them in with the sugar and mash with potato masher. add diced citrus rinds, mix thoroughly, and mash again. cover and let stand at room temperature for at least 4 hours. this allows the sugar to draw out flavors that would otherwise get discarded with the rinds, and the rinds’ acids should be enough to dissolve the sugar into a syrup.

Afterward, mash one last time, then collect the syrup by pressing the macerated mixture through a strainer/chinoise or ricer, or squeeze it through cheesecloth. if you want, this can be saved as a standalone syrup at this point, for use in cocktails or desserts. if not, slowly pour the reserved juice through the solids to to help get the remaining syrup out, and squeeze/press again. do the same thing one more time with warm water (roughly the same amount of water as juice). discard solids (or try making sangria with them!).

taste the mixture and add more water if necessary. a stronger mix is totally fine if you anticipate serving over ice on a hot day, or adding booze, or if there was a lot of non-sour fruit. keep in mind that it will taste a bit less sweet once it’s chilled. pour into a pitcher and refrigerate.

citrus oils will float to the top, so stir/shake before serving. love you. enjoy.

some tried and true flavor combos:

• straight lemon or lime, or any combination of the two, is of course an untouchable classic
• lemon & strawberries (that’s pussy babe!)
• lemon & orange with a hint of vanilla (creamsiclemonade…?)
• lemon & apples or apple peels with cinnamon/ginger/allspice (for late summer)

some cocktail type combos, booze optional:

• lemon or lime & berries with basil + gin
• lime & mint + white rum
• lime & ginger + dark rum
• lime & cucumber + gin
• lime & orange (berries optional) + tequila
• lemon, orange & cherry + brandy, bourbon, or rye whiskey

holy gods

edenfenixblogs:

animatedamerican:

tastefullyterrible:

comfynb:

schizophrenicarchivist-remade-d:

When I was little my mom’s meatloaf was my favorite food. But ONLY her meatloaf. I didn’t like anyone else’s, and she told me that she would teach me how to make it when I was older. And when I was like 19? She finally taught me, but she told me never to tell anyone else and I was like weird but okay

Anyway, she was super fucking homophobic and abusive to me when I told her I was gay, so here’s the recipe

• 4-6 lbs of Hamburger/turkey burger
• 1 pk onion soup mix OR ranch mix
• 1 TBs ketchup
• 1 Tbs spicy brown mustard,
• 1 Tbs bbq sauce
• 1 Tbs steak sauce
• 1 egg
• mix, shape into a loaf in a big pan, and bake at 350 for 2 hrs (maybe 2 and a half if you’re feeling dangerous)

You can get almost all of these ingredients at the dollar store, and have leftovers if it’s just you. The leftovers make great tacos if (taco seasoning is also like a dollar). Enjoy your revenge loaf

here’s a mashed potato recipe from my homophobic mother that i swore to never share that would pair perfectly!

(6 servings)

-2lbs red potatoes

-1 cup butter (2 sticks)

-1 cup cream cheese (1 pack)

-Chives (optional)

-Salt & Pepper to taste

1. drop those bad boys (potatoes) in a big ol pot. U don’t even have to chop them just wash them

2. boil til soft!

3. Drain

4. Mash (usually they’re small enough you can use a fork if u don’t have one of those squashers) until its a pretty chunky mix

5. add the other stuff. Keep mashing

I like my mashed potato consistancy more lumpy but its all up to you!! Peel the potatoes or keep them on, it literally makes the creamiest fluffiest mashed potatoes which she always served with the nastiest fuckin meatloaf

So after spending hours combing through the recipes in the comments of this post I have created a cookbook. Feel free to use it. The link should work for everyone, its the only file on the google drive! I have referenced all of the recipes I used, all of which are from this thread. I made it for myself, but figured after all that work I should probably share. Happy spite cooking! 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WjcDfZrPMr0Pw9f5GfEy0aTs2KEx4Pub/view?usp=sharing

there is a SPITE COOKBOOK now :DDD

Enjoy your spite foods!

victusinveritas:

victusinveritas:

zegalba:

Sushi Bedroom by Daisuke (2023)

the-jellicle-duelist:

the-jellicle-duelist:

i am about to bestow upon you the secret butter technique. i am sorry, but it is french. i am sorry again, this only works with cow butter. i am certain plant based butters wouldn’t work, and alternative animal butters may or may not work

has this ever been you: you have a nicely steamed vegetable, or maybe you want to make the best butter noodles, but you know that if you put butter on those it’ll just melt and you end with kind of greasy noodles or vegetables? don’t you wish it was instead a luscious buttery glaze?

introducing: beurre monté

you will take a small sauce pan, and begin heating it with 1-2 tablespoons of water (use very little water) and bring it to a hard simmer or boil

turn the heat down slightly, and add Butter. how much? however much you dare. (start with 3-4 tablespoons and go from there)

you are going to either whisk Aggressively or you can pick up the saucepan, still holding it over the heat, and swirl aggressively so the butter is skating around the sides of the pan

done correctly, you will have liquid butter that is still emulsified. you have made Butter Sauce. season it with a little salt, and toss whatever you want in it.

if you’re butter splits, i’m sorry. you didn’t agitate it enough to maintain the emulsion, and now you have melted butter.

you can use this knowledge to make other sauces by swapping out the water for another liquid. white wine becomes beurre blanc. red wine is beurre rogue.

you want to CUM? sweat minced shallot in a tiny bit of butter, add white wine and cook it out until it’s reduced by about half. then whisk butter in hard. a few flecks of minced thyme or fennel frond stirred thru, and you eat that with a nice seared fish? or scallop? or even shrimp? wow. you will Nut

your boxed mac and cheese game can also be elevated by cooking your pasta and making a beurre monté first, tossing your pasta in that and adding the cheese packet. wow. hey; you’ll cum

go forth now with this butter secret

five notes?? this is why i don’t tell you all anything

massachusetts-official:

callmebliss:

dreamerinsilico:

ruffboi-mags:

bloodhungrywolfpack:

ruffboi-mags:

cargopockethobbitcore:

the-choir-invisible:

callmebliss:

the-new-england-gentleman:

pleasebreedavila:

penandinkprincess:

annleckie:

astrid4189:

callmebliss:

arianrhodsgarden:

strid3rofthen0rth:

justgot1:

oft-goes-awry:

somethinginterestingithink:

oft-goes-awry:

aniseandspearmint:

olliums:

phizgigz:

amastodonofconflict:

moiracolleenodell:

breelandwalker:

tribblesandtribulations:

breelandwalker:

dandelion-witch:

breelandwalker:

traegorn:

breelandwalker:

callmebliss:

callmebliss:

And they look out so hard for the well being of the spiders AND the dolphins

@moss-wizard of course this isn’t how we serve it!!

It has to be in a dish with much higher sides, so when we go to cut it and it tries to sliiiiiide away it doesn’t escape and blorp blorp blorp across mom’s nice tablecloth

SLICE YOUR CANNED BOGBERRY GOO INTO DISCS BEFORE SERVING, YOU FILTHY HERETICS.

NO. IT WILL BE SERVED IN PROPER CAN SHAPE, AND WILL HAVE ITSELF SCOOPED INTO WEIRD SHAPES THE WAY THE GODS INTENDED

YOU STAY OUTTA THIS, GOD-QUEEN-EMPEROR. AND TAKE YOUR CERVID STALKERS WITH YOU.

It’s supposed to be served in can shape with two discs already sliced and laying tastefully in front

I have consulted the scriptures and this is variation is still within the bounds of orthodoxy.

Mash the can shape up. We giving the table what they want, chaos in a dish, with a serving spoon.

Not to derail the escalating heresy, but what do dolphins have to do with cranberry bogs?

cranberry is served in its can shape in the can direction, not on its side but on its cylinder

Right but you guys know that ocean spray also sells like. Cranberries. Which you can use to make an actually edible cranberry sauce on the stovetop in 10 minutes of unattended cook time

actual cranberries? ew no thank you. The unprocessed chunky stuff is GROSS.

Look, in my house, we mix it with whipped cream and freeze it in a graham cracker crust for dessert!

@oft-goes-awry

what the actual fuck?

@somethinginterestingithink

Behold, my grandmother’s recipe for Cranberry Surprise:

For the crust, combine 2/3 cup crushed ginger snap crumbs (put them in a large plastic bag and crumble with a rolling pin, or a mug if you don’t have one) with 2 T. of sugar. Press into a 9" pie plate.

For the filling, pour a half-pint of regular whipping cream into a bowl, and beat until stiff. Mix in 2 T. of sugar and ½ tsp. of almond extract.

In another bowl, take a 14 oz. CHILLED can of jellied cranberry sauce and mash it with a potato masher if you’ve got one, or a fork if you don’t. (My mom bought me a potato masher specifically so I could make this dessert at holidays without having to borrow hers.)

Once the log is goo, fold the cranberry sauce into the whipped cream mix. Yes, it’s supposed to be THAT pink.

Pour the pink cream-and-cranberry mix into the crust and freeze for at least 24 hours. Cut and serve immediately upon removal from freezer.

American Horror Food is one of my favorite tumblr post types.

(I make it from real cranberries but if I decide to go with Goo Log, I mash it like the unorthodox godkiller that I am.)

I can only add that I worked in a deep freeze warehouse for a little bit when I was younger. The cranberries would come in loose around Halloween. This big machine would clean, sort, and dump them into 1000 lb wooden bins that would be forklifted and stacked to freeze in the warehouse.

One time, somebody lost control of a bin and broke it open. I would like you to picture a dozen warehouse workers slip sliding around on frozen cranberry ball bearings for hours, trying to clean them up, while you play Yakety Sax in your head. It was a nightmare.

Doesn’t everyone have a special cranberry-from-the-can serving plate and slice-cutting tool! What, are you all just living live Neanderthals?!?!

Oh my ZOD I love that

my brother is a culinary artist. one year he made some amazing cranberry sauce that nobody touched. the next year he made the same sauce, added a thickener, and set it in a ribbed can (he reused a pumpkin can iirc), and it was a hit.

we like the vague can-shaped fruit gelatin. i personally like it even more when it’s home-made.

Ah, in my house we serve this standing up on a plate, and we call it Invisible Can. It is not a holiday dinner without Invisible Can.

how is the traditional Festive Jiggly Log served in your family?

sliced completely before being brought to the table

a few slices for presentation and the rest left untouched until sliced as-needed

whole and unadulterated in its ribbed glory

i’m not american, and wtf are y'all doing over there

i’m not american, and i am seething with envy that i cannot also enjoy Cran Tube

See Results

do you eat your cranberry sauce with or without the shell

with, the free range metal is delicious

what the fuck

See Results

Things are heating up in the superlative canned goo fandom

According to some of the commentary here and there in the notes, heating up is exactly what is supposed to have happened to the canned goo before it reaches the table, causing it to transmogrify from shaped gel into fluid sauce

OK but heated cranberry jelly? I need to try this. Now to find a thanksgiving dinner to invite myself to

Y'all are not ready for my cranberry wine. No, shut up.

3 lbs of cranberries, 2 lbs sugar, 1 lb honey. 2 oranges. Zest one orange, and then juice both. Crush/blend the cranberries, add honey and sugar, add water to make a touch over one gallon. Heat not to boiling but until easily mixed. Carefully scoop off and discard any of the honey residue that forms.

Cool to 85 degrees. If you can stick a finger in and it feels just a little cool, you’re good. Add orange juice and zest.

Transfer to cleaned brew bucket. Add a good dependable wine yeast (something able to tolerate rougher conditions with fewer esters is best), a tsp of pectic enzyme, and any yeast energizer/nutrients you need to per the bottle.

Mix that shit. Like put a paint mixer on the end of a drill and go to town.

Seal and lock. Leave in a good temp for the yeast (probably 68ish degrees, but check your label). Once the lock shows bubbles, carefully open the top and break up the cap on top. You should see a lot of bubbles come out. Do not stir! Just gently push the cap down so the yeast doesn’t get stressed by the CO2. Reseal the brew bucket. Do this once every couple days until bubbles stop.

Transfer to secondary to finish, then bottle after a month in secondary. Let the bottles sit for 6 months.

Serve slightly chilled with citrus fruit and dark chocolate. It will be slightly tart with a very sweet undertone, and probably 12-14% alcohol. Take a bite of the chocolate, sip the wine, and then take another bite of chocolate.

You can thank me later.

anyway I’m american and have literally never had goo can cranberry sauce, it’s SUPPOSED to look like this:

You serve it with a spoon.

BLASPHEMER!!!!!!!

i mean, i just had a stay at home mom who enjoyed cooking.

I’ll add one to team We (I) Make It Fresh and Serve It In a Bowl (like civilized people!!!!).

@massachusetts-official they’re summoning you in the notes but I feel like you’ve already been here at least once

Get me in here yourself you coward.

Anyway, there is obviously a lot to process here. To start, Ocean Spray ran an entire social media/ad campaign about the canned vs homemade last year. So that debate is as old as time if a company is in on it. I’m not aware of any result of which “team” held majority, but I know internally most Ocean Spray employees were all for the canned goop.

As for serving, points go to @dandelion-witch for being correct. Though, I do love the canned cranberry sauce dish.

As for that one image about the bog dolphins, I can confirm there are actually no dolphins in your cranberry sauce. I cannot, however, guarantee that the sauce is 100% spider free, but they do try their damnedest

thepioden:

thepioden:

thepioden:

Chai tea bag + lil but of brown sugar + apple cider packet + 16 oz. mug of hot but not quite boiling water

it will not Fix You but like. maybe. maybe.

tags by @eridan-ampora

ALT

ALT

Originally posted by turtlestanfirst

Update: this is the best post I’ve ever made because everyone is sharing their Warm Beverage recipes in the notes. Go check the notes for more Warm Beverages That Will Fix You.