Why do we never get promotions or raises, you ask?
This is the rating system from my company’s annual reviews:
1 - Does not meet acceptable standards.
2 - Marginally meets but occasionally is below acceptable job standards.
3 - Meets and occasionally exceeds job standards.
4 - Consistently exceeds job standards.
5 - Consistently exceeds job standards by a significant degree.
You guys.
My work sent me a package to my house for Halloween with some snacks.
And.. idk if it’s just because this month has been a literal hell on Earth and I’m finally losing my mind, or what, but I’m freaking DYING at this face mask they included in the box.
WHAT IS THAT LMAO
Send help
A high up employee (basically my manager’s manager’s manager), who is an absolute bitch on the regular, accused me of “borderline insubordination” for questioning something she said. So she requested we have a meeting. And I’ve been crying all night. And I’m gonna cry in the meeting. And I’m gonna cry when my manager’s manager says something, because I know he will.
At least my manager is on my side. But Jesus. My anxiety. is through. the roof. I hate it here.
Oh hey, looks like the stress of transitioning to working from home, which for us has turned our normal processes upside down + working overtime and never catching up + the fact that I suddenly seem to held responsible for things I’ve never been trained on + clients being rude and impatient + constantly seeing the awful things happening in the news that affect people I love + taking care of a spouse with a moderate case of coronavirus seems to be making it to my face 😥 I know this isn’t bad compared to where I used to be, but I haven’t had any bloody spots in a while, and now I have a lot 😔
This past year has been so turbulent. Lots of extreme highs and extreme lows mashed together.
In between all the good events were long periods of being tired af, mourning, soul-searching, depression, applying for jobs, being rejected for jobs, anxiety, trying to make new friends, stretching every penny, small accomplishments, big symbolic wins, and more. It’s just been insane and exhausting. But it really does go to show that even with setbacks, you can move forward. And not necessarily in the direction you meant to in the first place, but still forward.
I just got my first job offer post-graduation. I don’t expect any of the negative to just dissolve with a job offer or positive events, but it definitely helps. I’m kind of on a high right now.
So I’ve been seeing a counselor so I can work out some shit that causes me anxiety, like my family. And the other day, we were talking about when I got put on academic suspension because of my picking and everything, and was telling me that she could write a letter for me so I could appeal and get my scholarships back. So essentially a recommendation letter saying I can handle myself now and I’m not going to get put on academic suspension again. And she said (not an an exact quote) “I’d have to tell them exactly what I think of your mental health situation. And I think you have improved a lot, but I think your anxiety still causes a lot of big issues for you.”
And idk. It just tore me down so much. Like I’ve improved so much, but even though I’ve worked so hard, my anxiety still could cause big problems for my academic/professional career. And I already knew that. But I guess to hear it out loud and from someone else was like.. you’re not fooling anyone. You can’t handle yourself like a normal person, and you could randomly break down at any second (and it be too much of a risk for us to give you your scholarships back or give you a job or whatever).
Idk. I just felt like everything I’ve done has been for nothing, or just small gains. And I feel like its gonna be impossible to get the rest of my anxiety to go away, so I’m just gonna be a constant failure to people who don’t understand my anxiety.
And I know that’s not true. But I hate that we have to put forth so much more effort than the normal person to do anything.
Feeling this again.
I got in trouble at work (I got a complaint apparently) for not being nice enough to customers, i.e. not making enough conversation, not smiling constantly, etc. It’s just too tiring for me. Especially when customers tear you down and make you feel like shit basically on an hourly basis. I’m just too introverted/depressed for all this.
I’ve called in sick with a migraine when the truth is the real reason why, is because my anxiety levels are extremely high, even just thinking about serving customers all day is making me have a anxiety attack.
I feel its sad that i’m SCARED my boss might judge me about my mental health, when i truly believe having mental health issues is a genuine concern for a lot of people and it can genuinely fill us with such unease about even being able to face the world to go to work
Honestly I would probably do the same. Sad that we have to do that.
I had an experience the other day in which I actually asked my boss to let me not do something because even just thinking about doing it was giving me an anxiety attack. I ended up having an anxiety attack in her office while asking for her permission to sit that one out, and it was the most embarrassing thing ever, and now I’m paranoid that she thinks lesser of me as an employee.
…rich kids can just take trips overseas whenever, and kinda just because someone offered it to them, or because they want to go with friends, or whatever, on a whim. When people like me have to work their asses off to go somewhere, maybe once in their lifetime. I’m literally sitting here trying to pass classes because work and fund-raising is taking over my life - all so I can go somewhere that I have wanted to go to for my entire life, to do a humanitarian service.
I’m seriously so thankful that I’m even in a position to do this, don’t get me wrong, because that in itself is a blessing. That I have the amount of time and effort and have a good job to do this. It’s just frustrating. Because this is seriously something I’ve been wanting to do for like 10 years, and they can just say “hey, you know, I’d really like to go there on my next school break, I’m gonna do it”…. like wtf.
At the same time, I feel like that’s kinda selfish - like it’s actually a good thing that they can do that if they’re also doing a humanitarian trip, but still.
Honestly, I’m really pissed right now.
I drew this.
(Actually more than this, because an inch or so is cut off every edge.)
18 x 24" pencil drawing, took me like 18 hours. Biggest thing I’ve ever attempted much less finished.
Tried to sell it in an auction, and got $15 after input costs of supplies and entry fees.
15. Dollars. That’s like working for $0.83 an hour. What the fuck.
I made this blog to share about my struggle with Dermatillomania (or Neurotic Excoriation Disorder), but you may also see things that are about my depression, anxiety, or just my personal life. she/her.
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