undomesticated-animal

I should talk more about topping because honestly I actually do think that there's an asymmetry in how bottoming and topping are perceived on this site that has at least a little to do with how rare it is for tops to be allowed to to safely talk about their desire in any setting that isn't harshly guarded against judgement and shame

And like. Topping is great actually. I love it a lot. But finding bottoms who are actually interested in their top as opposed to interested in BEING topped can make you really feel like topping is unwelcome in queer sexual spaces. Don't have the focus to do it now, but remind me lmfao

undomesticated-animal

Okay I'm back let me start with this.

I am not an exclusive top. At this point in my life I'm pretty evenly vers and it's FUCKING great, but ALSO it has become very obvious to me as a vers how few people actually get the chance to be anything but exclusive top/bottom in their existing dynamics.

And like. In the grand scheme of things, that's not the worst thing in the world but on the other hand.

When I was engaged in college, my fiance was an exclusive bottom both penetratively and power wise, and friends. Friends I learned something about bottoms that it took me WAY too long to fully internalize

A lot of us choose to bottom because it allows us to give up our own agency of sexual activity and desire, and we do this not because we are actually enjoying the giving up of agency but because taking ownership of the agency, interacting with it consciously, is too painful.

I say "we" and "us" here because this includes me! When my fiance left me I could barely stand to ask for anything in bed, I just wanted someone to DO THINGS to me and not have to think about how I got there. This was a VERY bad time for me AND for the partners I was asking to top me. I try really hard not to do this anymore as a bottom. But it's a little heartbreaking how often it surprises the tops I am with that anyone would do things like casual aftercare touches, clean up, debriefs, massages, whatever. They get so blushy when I scratch their scalps and have them lay their heads in my lap and talk to me about how it felt. On the one hand, I treasure these moments. On the other hand, it makes me really sad how many tops seem to collapse into the brief moments of respite I'm offering them.

I'm planning to do more erotic writing about this later, but for now I just want to make the point that I literally burned out on topping for a DECADE because it is too easy as a bottom to put all of the emotional weight of intimacy and connection building on the top. It's easy to abdicate our own responsibility and participation in sexual desire. But "service top" can't keep being code for "I am burning myself out for other people's fantasies without ever knowing if I'm actually achieving it OR enjoying my own fantasies"

benjibright

I read this whole thing then read it again and felt the surprise that OP was talking about that they as a bottom perform aftercare with their top(s). Even reading it, even in the context of this message, I still immediately assumed/defaulted to the concept of the top catering in every way to the bottom and their desires and needs.

I think in the last maybe two years the tumblr discourse on tops having more or less the same agency and utility as takeout has calmed down, but burning out as a top is so real. So hyper real.

I've told similar stories on this site before, but I used to spend time and energy as a worldbuilder for other people's fantasies (online and in-person). I constructed elaborate sexual rituals and rites, made spreadsheets, conducted in-depth interviews, investigated their every sexual impulse and inclination, built digital programs, tried very very hard to sustain something like a religious fervor in my partners all for the asking price of a 'hell yeah, that was fun.'

But I realized that I was just shoveling the coal of my own desires and fantasies into the engine while the people bottoming for me provided little reliable emotional or erotic connection. In nearly every situation they were looking to be entertained and engaged, passively. They wanted someone to do shadow puppets on the wall while they lay in bed and watched.

These days I funnel that same energy into D&D because even when I throw my players off cliffs they show up consistently and emote.

So yeah, playing the top burned me out on sex for a while. Play stopped being playful when I realized that mostly I was the one playing and the other party was just waiting for me to deliver the plot. And just rolling over and bottoming so someone else could take up the mantle because I was burned out and empty left me feeling like I'd become part of the problem. (And half the time I'd just end up as the de facto top again eventually.)

It's less dire these days, but it's never going to be what it was before. I'm pretty clear about that now. I can't bear the load for such meager rewards.

Here's the point, so you don't burn your top(s) out: be fun, be a good fucking hang. Communicate and show up and be present. Every scene, every fuck, can't lead to the bottom half-unresponsive facedown on the mattress like they're trying to escape. You have to interrogate the inner life of your tops. Tell them when they've done a good job, compliment them, and be goddamned specific: "I love how your hair got all sweaty, and you really turned me on with how much eye contact you gave, can we do more of that?"

It's not enough to douche (if anal is a part of your thing) and show up. You have to actually be in the room or the other party will walk out of it eventually.

butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway

I really like seeing people respond to this as it resonates because I really think a lot of us lack the language for this conversation, and that's not fair because it's an important one!

So here's my go-to template for after-care with EVERYONE that I sleep with, not just my tops:

Interaction: some kind of snuggling and casual touch, usually something like giving them a lil scalp massage or laying on them like a human blanket, whatever is comfortable for them, the only rule I have is that I do NOT reinitiate sexual contact, if my partner does, I will often happily participate, but after care performance and sex do not go together as a process imo (your mileage may vary! This is a personal preference for me and many of my partners!)

Questions:

1. What was something that happened that you liked
2. What was something that happened that could be different next time (this can include "I didn't like this" but it could also include things like "I liked x but y would make it even better for me")
3. What's something you might want to try in the future?

Btw, these questions are for me to answer too! It's an exchange, part of how we can lower the stakes of learning each other such that being proactive during sex doesn't feel as scary or overwhelming.

Anyway, go forth and enhance the sexual pleasure of the moment for everybody my friends.