The ability to turn reblogs off has really added a new dimension to shitty posts

Possibilities

“No homo” cries the team at the dig site. The head archaeologist sinks to his knees, sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archaeological dig site. But now, his whole life has been for nothing. There is no homo….there is only Australopithecus.

I read this to a group of archaeologists and they completely lost their shit

That does happen 👀

Shout out to the phrase “I’m going to become the joker” for capturing a very specific and real emotion

Shout out to Portuguese for verbing this!!

People on language learning YouTube videos are always like “We are learning languages to speak them”

But I’m not. I talk to enough people in English. As I’ve said before, I’m learning Spanish in order to eavesdrop on people in the grocery store.

We get so many words thrown at us every day. Probably most of your use of language involves reading or listening. Even in a conversation likely half of your time is spent listening if not more.

Why would I speak from day one if I don’t have to? To stumble through a short exchange about eating apples? Boring. I could be watching a telenovela right now and you want me to frantically gesture at bananas?

Yeah sometimes in some circumstances you need to learn to speak right away but if you don’t have to speak right away you don’t have to. You may never need to speak if you don’t want to. If your only goal is to read obscure poetry in the language why would you be having baby level conversations about apples? Open your poetry book and a dictionary and hop to it.

I don’t need to talk to people all the time. I just need to read literature, eavesdrop, eat hot chip, and lie.

¿tres novias? ¿en esta economia?

An escape room experience

[eng by me]

so my mom's been clearing out her mom's house in order to sell it and has been gifting me a lot of random odds and ends from it— cut crystal jewelry, rose scented soaps, a brita pitcher, etc— but she also just emptied that house's entire spice cabinet and just dumped it all in a box and brought it to me to pick through bc i do a lot of cooking/baking. and. people. listen. most of it was 5, 10, even 20 years past its expiration date. but nothing could have prepared me for this one tiny tin of white pepper.

NINETEEN EIGHTY NINE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Not to put too fine a point on it, but...this pepper has been expired almost as long as I've been alive. I was two when this pepper went bad.

This pepper was presumably purchased during the last two years of the Reagan administration. It expired during George H. W. Bush's first year in office. This pepper went bad within like two months of the Berlin Wall coming down.

The US has fought two entire wars with Iraq since this pepper expired.

So imagine a DnD character who's whole motivation is 'X guy killed my parents and I need to find them' and the party just thinks 'ok, revenge quest, that's normal'

But when they finally find the guy the person with dead parents is just like "Hey buddy, long time no see. It's a shame we got separated, here's some money" and they're super chill.

The party is just confused and goes "Wait, why are you giving him gold?"

The guy just goes "Cause I owe him money?"

The party "But he killed your parents???"

"That's why I owe him money!"

this passes peer review harder than anything has ever passed peer review in the history of peer review

when my littlest brother was a toddler he was apparently under the impression that you could get meat out of an animal without killing it in the same way you could get milk or eggs.

he expressed this as "the farmer milks the cow and then he porks the pig"

I think about this cake every day

sorry for exposing your tags but this is hilarious

OP, I hope you don’t mind me making an addition:

When I turned 17, we ordered a cake at the grocery store for my party, as we’d done many times before. If you wanted something written on the cake you’d write it into a section of the order form. We requested, very simply, “Happy Birthday Courtney”. When we went to pick it up the day of the party, this is what we got.

The bakery employees had absolutely no explanation for this. The order form, attached to the box, very clearly did not contain any of those extra names. Whomever had done the writing was no longer in, so there was no one to ask how this had happened. The fact that the name ‘Juan’ is misspelled bewilders me to this day. (I’ve never seen ‘Miley’ without the E, either, but it’s believable that someone might spell it that way.) Did this cake slip in from an alternate universe where I’m one quarter of a set of Hispanic quadruplets? Dyslexic Hispanic quadruplets, maybe?

This cake became the focal point of my party. At least two of my friends regularly called me ‘Courtney Mily Jaun Pablo’ for years to come. My siblings and I still reference it sometimes, eleven years later. It is probably the funniest thing ever to occur at any birthday celebration of my life, and may well remain so for the rest of my days.

I love a botched cake.

one time me and some pals spotted one of those big cookie cakes in a store. it was done up with red icing and little X's for kisses and in the middle it said

No One Like You

ALT

now, it took us a while to realise it meant "(there is) no one like you". at first, we all parsed it as a botched "no one like(s) you"

for ages after when we'd wind each other up we'd declare "NO ONE LIKE YOU ☹️👎"

I remember one time I got INSANELY high off of edibles while playing Among Us, and it quickly became apparent to the other players online. I forget how honestly but literally anything "sus" I did was ignored by everyone because I was so fucking high. I tested this theory by standing in front of a body and the person that actually reported it didn't even mention me. The funniest part was when I was trying to do wires, I kept fucking up over and over again, so I was just standing in front of wires for actual minutes trying to figure it out. A small crowd of players gathered around me to watch and would get mad every time someone reported a body or emergency meeting because "she's never going to get her tasks done if you keep interrupting them." I don't think anyone cared about winning at that point, they just wanted to see the high crew mate succeed in her tasks.

THIS IS 1000% ACCURATE LMFAO. Thank you op

Ohhhh yeah

Köcsög

the mark of a good prank is if the guy you just pranked immediately wants in on it