my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"
OP the tags!!
excellent names on the enemy team tonight
remember when the queen croaked and that night before the west end performance of wicked they had to be like we send our condolences to her family but uh. tonight's show will be performed as usual and as written. smash cut to GOOD NEWS!!! SHE'S DEAD!!!!!!
my "i don't need a rabies shot because i eat the vaxx-laced meatballs that fish & wildlife leaves out for the coyotes" shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt
WHAT IS THE CHARGE? EATING A PENGUIN? A SUCCULENT ADÉLIE PENGUIN?
misclicked on an emoji and didnt notice
my cloaca. my choice
still believe that one of the greatest bits of all time was on January 6th, 2021 when. well. you know. and twitter was understandably an echo chamber of panic and fear and Justin McElroy just tweeted a selfie with a filter that was like “have a delicious national spaghetti day” followed by 3 tweets that were like “fuck. i’m sorry. i don’t know how to delete scheduled posts” and as i type this two years later i’m laughing
a belated delicious national spaghetti day to you all