✘✘ Sarah ✘✘ (former Nefarious Breeder of Murderous Crustaceans)'s Reviews > Blood Bound

✘ Now You See Me Now You Don't Express Buddy Read (NYSMNYDEBR™) with Nafeeza, Layla and Ange ✘



💀 DNF at 21% *pats her little self on the exoskeleton for making it that far*

Okay, I was going to do the Cut the Crap Thing (CtCT™), but I just noticed the cover for this book and am consequently slightly pissed off, so this might take longer than originally planned. You're welcome.

That bloody shrimping cover! What the bloody shrimping fish?! Why the holy barnacle does Mercy have to display her boobs like that?! Because her being a mechanic makes her less feminine, and she has to reassert her womanly womanhood by flaunting her freaking assets?! Just in case the readers have a doubt as to whether she is male of female? Or is it just that is it super HAWT (both literally and figuratively) in Washington State and our dear girl just NEEDS to keep her work coveralls open at all times? You know, for the sake of ventilation and stuff? Right. I'm sure that's what this is about. Damn I hate that kind of crap. The cover would have been just as hot way hotter, had Mercy shown just a little cleavage. Because, YES, a chick can look hot in coveralls even when she is NOT showing off her boobs! This probably comes as a shock, I know. I'm sorry I had to break it to you so brutally, my Little Barnacles, but you couldn't be left in the dark any longer. Your mental sanity was at stake here, whether you realize it or not. Someone had to do something about it!



Why you're very welcome, my dears. I absolutely lurve that cute kitty, by the way. You know my tastes so well, it's touching, really (view spoiler)[*summons Fleet Admiral DaShrimp* "DaShrimp, nuke those Silly Barnacles NOW! No one throws cute kitties at me and gets away with it unscathed!" (hide spoiler)]

Anyway, I know exactly what happened here. This was yet an evilly cunning plan to demolish a book by its cover, courtesy of the lovely people at Ace. They've been doing such a wonderful job of it with Ilona Andrews' books, they just couldn't resist the temptation here! They just had to try and ruin yet another series via (choose all that apply) pathetic/ridiculous/eyeroll-worthy/worthless book cover! The problem is, Ms Briggs (view spoiler)[bless her little heart for being such a devoted Kate Daniels fan (hide spoiler)] is no Ilona Andrews, which means Immutable Law of the Universe #1 (ILotU1™) doesn't apply to her. Yeah, life sucks, I know. Sorry? What? "What is ILotU1™," you ask? Simply this: the crappier the cover, the gloriouser the book. The Andrews recently passed the Blue Abs From Hell Cover Test (BAFHCT™) with flying colors, by the way. And if that isn't the proof that ILotU1™ was created just for them, I don't know what is. Okayyyyy, I seem to vaguely recall that there was originally a point to this paragraph. There must have been something, right? Because everything I say always has a point, right? Right. So glad we blissfully agree, my Little Barnacles. Oh yes, I remember now! The point to this paragraph, I mean! Here it is: Patricia Briggs is no Ilona Andrews and this book sucks just as much as its cover!



As you Lovely Decapods very well know, I am quite the special snowflake dedicated masochist. Yes, it is true, I love to read crap stuff I know I will want to kill dead not necessarily enjoy. But what happened here is not my fault. Oh no, absolutely not. Because you see, I loved book 1 in this series SO much, I decided to do the Pre Emptive DNFing Thing (PEDT™) on this one. Which loosely translates to: "I'd rather die at the hands of a thousand lethally ferocious dinoflagellates than continue with this series." More or less. But then Deviously Cunning Angela (DCA™) happened. She put a gun to my lovely little head and made me read this thing book, or else... Horrific thing to do, is it not? Such lowly, disrespectful behavior coming from someone with such despicable book taste wouldn't have been tolerated back in the good old days of my lovely dictatorship. This is pretty disgraceful, if you ask me. I'm telling you, my Tiny Athropods, it is no wonder that this world is going to hell, and that some of you chose to vote for Trumpy instead of electing Craig Schaefer is Slightly Awesome as POTUS #45 *shakes head in desperation* But I ever so slightly digress. So I found myself in the despicable position of having to DNF read this thing book against my better judgement. And here we are.



[This is were the supposedly crap-cutting review supposedly begins]

Sooooooo, I only read three chapters of this fascinatingly delightful little book because:

① It's boring to death. And it's boring to death. Yeah, that too. 3 chapters = 21% of this book = 61 pages in Briggs world = 1,225,586 pages in the real world. Give or take a few hundred thousand pages.

② The blah blah blah crap is strong in that one. Most of the above mentioned three chapters 1,225,586 pages are filled to the brim with 1/useless dialogues, 2/pointless ramblings and 3/meaningless descriptions of meaningless things. Such a treat.

③ The Gloriously Captivating Relationship Crap Extravaganza (GCRCE™), aka the stuff I liked best:

➽ There are no Love Triangles of Doom and Destruction (LToDaD™) in this world, oh no, that would be way too lame. Ms Briggs has Love Quadrangles of Annihilation and Obliteration (LQoAaO™) instead. It is much, MUCH cooler.
➽ Mercy Thompson is such a cool, independent young woman that she is very logically defined by her exponentially multiplying suitors. All she does, all she is, seems to be dictated by the dull, boring, flat douchebags delicious males in her life. And that is just SO cool. Go feminism! Go!
➽ The LQoAaO™ thing is super exciting. Which is logical. There are, after all, three lacklustre losers hot dudes lusting after Mercy Dear here: one is a doctor (wow) who wants Mercy Dear for her reproductive organs (how positively charming), another is her neighbour who takes her on hot dates with his teenage daughter tagging along (thrilling) and the last one is a vamp with a Mystery Machine à la Scooby Doo (how exquisitely modern of him), who likes to play dead sleep in Mercy Dear's bedroom closet once in a while (riveting). What can I say? I'm jealous. I'd gladly give up all the sex slaves cultural attachés in my harem if it meant having just one go at one of these cardboard-like idiots luscious babes. Yes, absolutely, this is the truthful truth. These uninteresting fools most edible guys here are that irresistibly irresistible.



Is it really? Strange. Have you had your bullshit-o-meter checked like I told you the other day, Spidey dear? I personally smell no BS in a 12,000 mile radius from this review.

The End.

» And the moral of this I Have Done the Patricia Briggs Thing FOUR FREAKING TIMES Now even Subaquatic Masochists Have their Limits I am Done Done Done Crappy Non Review (IHDtPBTFFTNeSMHtLIaDDDCNR™) is: Ange is getting a penance read for putting me through two successive pieces of crap slightly unenjoyable books. She will therefore be held at gunpoint shrimp pincers until she turns the last page of The Long Way Down. I have the weird feeling I got somewhat ripped off here, and that she got the better part of the deal. Don't know why.

· Book 1: Moon Called ★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

You Silly Barnacles pretty much all love this series, don't you? Right. That's what I thought.



Wait. No. Why the shrimping fish would I deprive the world of my most glorious persona when YOU are the ones who keep reading books wrong?! I shall therefore stay right here and continue to graciously enlighten you Tiny Arthropods of the Despicable Book Taste (TAotDBT™) one crappy read at a time. You are very much welcome.

►► Not so full My Dear Ms Briggs I Am Sure You Are a Wonderful Person But I am Officially Done Done Done with your Books Yay Go Me Crappy Mini Non Review (MDMBIASYAaWPBIaODDDwyBYGMCMNR™) to come.

✉ A very private message to my friendly neighbourhood trolls: don't even think about it. Unless you want to die a slow, horrible, painful death, that is.