✘✘ Sarah ✘✘ (former Nefarious Breeder of Murderous Crustaceans)'s Reviews > Homeland

😈 Wickedly Viciously Evil Elves Will Be Wickedly Viciously Evil And Stuff Buddy Read (WVEEWBWVEASBR™) with the MacHalos and stuff 😈

Be glad and rejoice, my Little Barnacles, for today the crap shall be cut! (Hopefully.) ← a message from Sarah from the Future: it wasn’t. Cut, I mean. The crap, I mean. Surprise, surprise.

Sooooo, this is a revoltingly disgusting coming of age story supposedly intended for male teenagers, aka the type of stuff that usually triggers this kind of reaction from me:



But. My Half-Barnacled Son Mark read the book when he was naught but a wee little arthropod and thought it was slightly very good at the time. I should know better than to trust him (he is, after all, my son), but decided to throw caution to the wind Gulf Stream, be bold and brave and audacious as always, and said “What the fish! Let’s do this!”

Well colour me shrimpy, Mark was not totally entirely wrong for once! (Shocking, I know. I can hardly believe it myself.) And so I ended up liking this book a tiny little bit, too. “And why is that?” you quickly kindly ask before I come up with a sort-of-neverending-kind-of-useless digression. Because this:

① The Deliciously Dark World:
Where has Menzoberranzan—gesundheit!—been all my life?! Right there, you nitwit! If I’d known the city existed, I would have moved there with my murderous troops 250,000 cycles of Narbondel eons ago! Granted, it doesn’t have the oceanic charm of the Mariana Trench, but it’s got built-in treachery and cruelty and malevolence (view spoiler)[oh my! (hide spoiler)], aka a dream come true and stuff. I swear, the level of scheming and utter villainy in this book is quite unprecedented. I mean, these friendly little guys of the pointy ears here promote backstabbing as a way of life! Isn’t that wonderfully wonderful?! And what a bunch of beautifully gifted little weasels they are, too! As I may or may not have mentioned in my captivating pre-review of this book, I’m pretty sure every single one of them graduated with honors from the Glen Cook School of Wickedly Nefarious Backstabbing (GCSoWNB™). And I suspect a few of them might even have PhDs and stuff.



② The Ever So Charming Leading Ladies (ESCLL™):
Ah, what joyous array of vicious, evil bitches charismatic, compassionate, kind, generous women we have here! This here is a matriarchal society, and I have to say that our ESCLL™ rule over it with an iron fist honesty, dignity, honor, altruism and grace. And also sometimes with snake-headed whips. Oooh, kinky! 🤗 The lowly males of Menzoberranzan—gesundheit!—really are quite lucky to live in a world governed by such remarkably thoughtful beings. And they know it, too. That’s probably why they spend their stabby blissy days singing Lurve Is All Around at the top of their little elvish lungs.

③ The Super Fluffy Extra Cuddly Petting Zoo:
Simply put, the fabulously cute pets in this book are just as lovely as the previously mentioned Ever So Charming Leading Ladies. (I have it on good authority that all of them have been shortlisted for the Nobel Peace Prize this year. So many remarkably pacifistic candidates to choose from. Not sure how the jury is going to decide who to give the dough prize to.) They are as beautifully diverse as the soothing colors of a pastel-colored rainbow, too. And ever so playful, which makes them quite the delight to be around, to be honest.



Gertrude the Illithid is a masquerade ball fan, as you can see.

They usually are playful, anyway. Poor Bart the Yochlol (no relation to LOL, but Lumière’s cousin twice removed) ate something that didn’t sit very well with him, I’m afraid, and is feeling a little yellowish around the candle sticks as a result. So you could say he isn’t in the most whimsical mood at the moment (quite understandably so).



Such fragile little creatures, these Yochlols. And such a shame that is. A good thing one can always count on Hook Horrors (a delightfully playful name, is it not?). They have wonderfully resistant digestive systems (much like my murderous children, from what I hear), and are always ready to partay and stuff. They come in pretty handy when it’s time to let the booze flow and there are no bottle openers or corkscrews on the premises, too.



Look at Giddy Gustav here, always on the lookout for some uncorking action!

④ My new boyfriend Zak Drizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt:
Yeah yeah yeah, I know, this should have been my ① instead of my ④, and it would have been, had Zak been the MC for this book, not Drizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt, but he isn’t and is, so there. Don’t get me wrong, Drizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt isn’t so bad for a lowly kid. He’s a 30-year-old one for starters (don’t ask, it’s an elvish thing). And his favorite toys are two scimitars (he’s a Prince of Persia fan, you see), which is bloody shrimping cool, if you ask me. I mean, scimitars are like the Swiss Army Knife of the Underdark. You can use them either to chop chop chop the enemy into tiny little pieces or to carve the Christmas turkey. If that isn’t bloody shrimping cool, I don’t know what is. But I ever so slightly digress. So yeah, Drizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt isn’t too allergy-inducing despite being so revoltingly youthful. He’s got a lot of Live and Learn Young Padawan (LaLYP™) to do before he gets all harem-worthy, but I have to admit he has potential. Besides, he’s got my Yummy Zak to train him, and be the Mr. Miyagi to his Karate Kid, so yay and stuff. The basics Zak shall teach him, and all grown-up and experienced and wise he shall instantly become and stuff.



In a nutshell, yes.

➽ Nefarious Last Words (NLW™): Between the most delicious backstabbing, Glorious Fast Forwarding (GFF™), and, Forkalava-like pets—yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that (Guenhwyvar FTW!)—I’m beginning to think R.A. Salvatore might be Glen Cook’s long lost step-nephew thrice removed. Or something.

👋 To be continued and stuff.

· Book 2: Exile ★★★
· Book 3: Sojourn ★★★



Pre-review nonsense

If I'd known that the characters in this deliciously evil world had all graduated with honors from the Glen Cook School of Wickedly Nefarious Backstabbing (GCSoWNB™), I'd have read this series centuries ago! Some of them even have PhDs, for shrimp's sake! It's gloriously glorious and stuff!



Full review to come and stuff.