✘✘ Sarah ✘✘ (former Nefarious Breeder of Murderous Crustaceans)'s Reviews > Exile

The murderous crustaceans and my little nefarious self deeply regret to inform you that this Drizzt adventure is boring as fish. And we’re not just saying that to get even because crabs were eaten during this installment. CRABS! I mean, seriously?! How DARE you, Mr Salvatore?! Some things are just NOT done. And where the shrimp is PETA when you need them, anyway? Not in this book, obviously. Huh, that’s puny humans for you! They’re all controversial tactics and extreme actions when despicably cute, fluffy animals (view spoiler)[ EW (hide spoiler)] are endangered, but ruthlessly rip-off a vicious arthropod’s serrated pincer and dip it in industrial mayonnaise, and nobody cares. This is simply outrageous! Such gratuitous cruelty against crustaceans shall NOT be tolerated. So fear my vengeful wrath and stuff.



Ha!

So, where were we? Oh yes, this book is boring as fish. To think how scrumpaliciously yummy Homeland was! There was backstabbing and evilly evil antics galore! It was all super luscious and stuff! So I quite logically expected things to go up a malevolent notch or ten in this installment. Alas, not to be this was. First because the book is mostly about Drizzzzzt pointlessly roaming around caverns and caves and stuff, and getting mixed up in never-ending, dull as shrimp fights. Don’t get me wrong, I love bloodshed and barbarous slaughtering as much as the next diabolical overlord, but this stuff here?



That’s right, this stuff here is guaranteed to put any crustacean in a deeper slumber than Sleeping Beauty Shrimpy.

The other problem is that Drizzzzzt is as bland and uninteresting as a lethargic barnacle. Which is a good thing for the rest of the cast, actually, because it’s nigh impossible not to shine when sharing the limelight with such a coma-inducing co-star. I mean, even the Big Caterpillars in this story seem to have more interesting personalities than Drizzzzzt. And his travelling companions are SO much yummier than he is, too. And sexier, too. What with Clacker and his giant pincers hooks and Belwar with his magical appendages, the poor little drow elf is outclassed and outmatched and stuff. Sorry, what? Oh, you’re curious about Belwar’s appendages? Why of course you are, who wouldn’t be? I warn you though, those may not be the appendages you lecherous bunch are looking for. Here goes and stuff:



Told you he was a Yummy Beast.

Still, there is much to be nefariously glad for and maliciously rejoice about in this installment. Yes indeed there is.

First, there are evil shenanigans aplenty, courtesy of Drizzzzzt’s Brady Bunch of a family. Ah, what a well-meaning, ever-caring, affable, gentle clique they are. It really warms my malignant little heart. Drizzzzzt’s sister Briza is kinder than Mother Teresa (I have it on good authority that she’ll be canonized soon), his brother Dinin is the Nelson Mandela of Menzoberranzan (gesundheit!) and his beloved mother Malice is the Underdark’s very own Harriett Beecher Stowe. (Some of her most viperous critics think she is Darth Vader in disguise—they say her “I am your mother!” stint in this book is a dead giveaway, I wonder why—which is quite outrageous, if you ask me.)

Then we have my new boyfriend Jaxlarle Jarlaxle of the Super Sexey Getup (JotSSG™):



Such a hot babe my Jax Jar. (From the looks of his most tastefully colourful outfit, I think he might be Mal’s cousin thrice removed, too. So yay and stuff.) And he’s such a endearing rogue guy: a cunning traitor, a conniving turncoat, a backstabbing bastard…I swear, the guy has so much going for him, it’s a wonder no one thought of snatching him up before I came around. Lucky me and stuff! Poof, gone, harem and stuff!

The second thing to be nefariously glad for and maliciously rejoice about in this installment? Why the newest additions to my petting zoo, of course! First we have bugbears, which are the Underdeark’s version of the Care Bears (view spoiler)[ DUH (hide spoiler)]:



So cute and fluffy!!

Then we have corbies who are all about suicidal ecstasy and stuff:



Awww, look at him go in all his self-destructive glory!

There’s the most titillating illithid central brain, which would totally be offended if it knew I considered it a pet, but who the fish cares? (Besides, I just hired Drizzzzzt to be the brain’s dedicated masseuse, so I think it will forgive my shameless shamefull affront post haste.)



Have you ever seen such a titillating thing? I thought not.

And last but certainly not least, we have the Myconid, aka the Hot as Fish Fungus Men (HaFFM™):



I’m telling you, these little guys here have such irresistible sex appeal they’re going to cause a bloody riot when they arrive at the petting zoo.

And finally—alleluia to our lord shrimp and stuff— the third thing to be nefariously glad for and maliciously rejoice about in this installment: the easiest-to-pronounce-easiest-to-remember names in all of Fantasy! Yay! There’s Menzoberranzan (gesundheit!), Daermon N'a'shezbaernon and Guenhwyvar of course, but also Blingdenstone and svirfneblin and Dissengulp and Schnicktick and stuff. Most glorious names indeed, are they not? And if that’s not something to be joyously gleeful about, then villainy is not me and stuff. I rest in my case.

➽ Nefarious Last Words (NLW™): This installment is 95% Yawny Stuff (YS™) and 5% Yummy Stuff (YS™), and still I rated it 3 stars. I predict that if Salvatore kindly reverses the percentage in book 3, then my rating shall make Goodreads slightly implode and stuff.

👋 To be continued and stuff.

· Book 1: Homeland ★★★★
· Book 3: Sojourn ★★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

Well. Quite the unexpected yawn fest this was. But hey, at least the book wasn't a total waste of my preciously nefarious (and nefariously precious) time. I mean, I was able to collect some new, scrumpalicious specimens for my petting zoo while I was reading. So I can't complain and stuff.



Awww, look how happy Gertrud is, now that she knows she's going to have new friends to play with! Killing me with cute she is 🤗.

➽ Full review to come and stuff.