Avidreader's Reviews > Wave

It's called grieving, and trust me with a death of one loved one you go through the stages of grieving image multiple deaths. The guilt one feels for living, for being angry. Her memories are all she has left, but trust me they do not keep her warmer, or take the guilt she feels for living.

I agree with this reader: I kept wondering throughout this admittedly well-written memoir how the thousands of others who lost families with less means made it through their grief. She doesn't even seek out others that had similar losses or discuss them at all. I really liked and enjoyed the writing, but didn't have much sympathy for the author because of this.

I'm so glad you had the guts to write this because I was too chicken to. I have never had a loss like this so how can I comment? And yet, she did seem callous and spoiled to me as well. I don't know...We all grieve how we grieve so I won't throw stones but I must admit I don't think I like her personally while acknowledging her huge loss. (Other people had losses as vast.)

I disagree. It seems to me that you feel that because she is wealthy, she should grieve less, or have an easier time of it. NO!!!
That is not how it works. Try losing your whole family in one instant, and see how you would feel.

I never said that because she is wealthy her grief should be easier. My point is that her personality comes through as selfish. The way a person deals when misfortunate hits shows what sort of person they are. I'm not saying her pain wasn't real or that she hurt any less. But misfortune, personal tragedy doesn't automatically make someone a good writer or a better human being. I think a good writer should have something to say, a unique perspective, something others can take from it. I don't think she has that. It may seem harsh to be critical of someone who has suffered such a huge loss, but she has chosen to publish a book, and as a reader I found her difficult to empathise with.

Avidreader, you hit the nail on the head. I felt exactly the same way, as if she felt entitled or something, and I found it reprehensible that she used her loss as an excuse to mistreat others. The best kinds of people take their pain and learn from it and use their experiences for the betterment of others, but Sonali didn't seem to do any of that. It was all "I'm sad, so everyone else can piss off." Very disappointing. To yhose who will make excuses for her because of what she went through, I would point you to books like Night by Elie Wiesel. Now THAT is one amazing human being. Sonali, on the other hand, just seems very self-absorbed, and I got the distinct impression that she was very ungrateful to her rescuers, the family that kept watch over her, etc.

Wow! What judgements about the author and her grief! I can not speak of such a tremendous loss... Almost her whole level of existence! But, I do acknowledge her anger and all the various feelings that come with grief. It is a very painful story, but honest and brave to keep
looking at an unimaginable loss. I'd be curious to hear from from her as time goes on. Grief ebbs and flows, I don't think it ever fully ceases. I thought the book was well written, poetic and riveting. I wish Sonali peace in her heart and mind.

I can only pass judgement based on the information at hand. I am not unsympathetic to her loss, I am unsympathetic to her behavior. For examples of poise and grace in the midst of unbelievable circumstances and crippling sadness, please read Night by Wiesel, Maus by Spiegelman, or the diary of Anne Frank. Aldo Hiroshima. I'm not denying her awful, awful loss. I'm shocked by her behavior to the innocent people around her.

I have to say that I agree w/your review completely. I so wanted to "like" the author, to grieve with her, but found her spoiled and selfish and privileged. I kept getting frustrated with myself because of this - I've never had a loss like this and it's hard to know what "normal" is under these circumstances. One thing that I did really like about the book is her and her husband's sympathy and love for their clearly nongender compliant younger son. Kudos for them for letting him be who he was and have the interests and passions that he did.

Real life is messy and doesn't follow a script. This is her story. Deal with it. None of you should be judging her.

Just because someone has suffered doesn't mean that they are somehow beyond reproach. There's some misguided idea that somehow judgement is a bad thing, but it's a fact of life. People who do bad things deserve judgement, and the author did some very cruel, selfish things. I don't take issue with the fact that she was grieving, but I take issue with the fact that *spoiler alert* she terrorized an innocent family because she couldn't deal with them inhabiting a house that she and her family had lived in. For God's sake, she couldn't even go back to her own house for what, two years, because of the grief? In the meantime, there are families all over the world who are living and dying in abject poverty and misery, but who stand as a shining example of poise and dignity. The author is not such a person, judging by this book. I don't think she ever acknowledges how much her friends and family did for her. There is a tremendous undercurrent of ingratitude and self-righteousness throughout the book, so yeah, I guess if you want a story on how one affluent, ungrateful woman dealt with a devastating loss, then yeah, read it. Like I said before, I'll stick with books about people who actually inspire me to be a better person.

You obviously don't have children.

Whether or not myself, you or anybody has children is beside the point. Your statement assumes that 1. Anyone whose children are taken from them in a tragic event have license to treat others cruelly, and that anyone who has ever lost a child has done the same thing, and, 2. That someone losing a parent, a lover or a close friend are not entitled to grieve on the same level as someone who has lost a child. You assume a lot. I'm sorry that I don't agree with you that spreading fear, venom and ingratitude onto others is justified just because you lose a loved one. all I'm saying is that there are better books out there about death and grieving out there (Julian Barnes' The Sense of an Ending is a perfect example, as is C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed. See also Lament for a Son by Wolterstorff and I'll See You Again by Jackie Hance, who lost her three girls all at the same time in a car accident, and whose story parallels Wave in certain ways.) I'm case you didn't notice, I'm not alone in my perception of the book either, and I'm sure that many of the folks who feel the way that I do also have kids. Some may even have lost kids, though I hope to god that's not the case. The enormity of the grief isn't in question here, it's the fact that she took that grief and made it into an insular, venomous ball of negativity and hate, instead of allowing the grief to exist, and her wounds to heal. If you approve of that, cool, but like I said, I prefer to fill my head and my heart with stories about people triumphing over crippling, heart-breaking circumstances. That's just my preference.

Once again how she experienced her grief does not require anyone's approval. Who cares if other people grieved in a way you feel is more appropriate. This is her story abt what happened to her. If my kids were literally ripped from my arms and washed out to see to never be seen again I wouldn't give a shit what's appropriate or acceptable either. Like her id want to die. What you seem to be unable to grasp is that a tragedy of this magnitude turns your entire world upside down. She does learn to live with her circumstances. It's when she realizes how awful it would have been if everyone died and only her children survived and how horrible they would have felt coming home to pick up their belongings so they can go live elsewhere. Believe what you want and believe you'd be a better person in her situation. I guarantee you neither I nor the author care.

The NYT Book Review: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/24/boo...

Which, I have to say, I completely disagree with -- except the well-written part.

OK, so you enjoyed the book and I didn't. Like I said, I'm not alone in my perception of the author's abysmal behavior. I wanted to like it, to rally behind her, etc. but while I can appreciate the magnitude of her grief, I just can't find much empathy. The fact that you are basically saying that we, as readers, are not supposed to have an opinion on this book, cheapens the experience of reading. In the end, our perceptions are all that matters, and I care as much for yours as you do for mine.

So if a veteran does something ill-behaved as a result of PTSD, we're to say to him, well, there are OTHER vets who don't act like you do? That's helpful (not). Maybe it's helpful to some parents to know that other people, like this author are not taking things so well. Bereaved parents find that validating. And yes, the death of a child is worse than the rest, period, the end. Every other kind of loss is within the natural order of things (except perhaps losing a parent when you are very young). I'm really tired of the oh, I lost my father memoirs. Who cares? Everyone's father dies. But losing a family in a catastrophe IS a different story. If you can't find empathy, the lack is in you, not the writer. You should be able to empathize with ANYONE, even if they are not like you. Any normally adjusted person should be able to do that. Someone who's really good at can even empathize with a serial killer. That doesn't mean approving of all their behavior. As for Night, I think that's a novel, not a memoir. And he had YEARS to work through it, and the whole point is that no one grows after an experience like that. It is just... Night. So that's the real issue I have with your review. The idea that people are supposed to grow, that they can change, blah blah. Bullshit. No one grows, no one changes. Life just goes on. That's REALITY. In novels and movies, people change.

No one grows, no one changes? What a sad, fatalistic worldview. How can I even respond to that kind of pessimism and hopelessness? And yes, if a soldier comes back and beats his wife, then he needs to be held responsible for his decision. I'll stay on my high horse if it keeps me from having to wade knee-deep in the crap that you seem to think life consists of. And yes, losing a child is quite possibly the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone, period, but it doesn't lessen the grief of someone who has lost a parent to know that. It also doesn't validate being cruel. Why the hell can't you empathise with the Dutch family if you're so all-inclusive?

And I don't care about your opinion, Matt. Methinks you are a pretty harsh and judgmental person. Billions of people suffer devastating loss and hardship and I guarantee you that they are all not sympathetic saints. Sonali was, and is, an unlikable person regardless of her loss. She writes a book about it. Why? To gain sympathy? For it to be a cathartic experience? It was her choice to put it out there and people will react the way they will. There is nothing that states that if I find her loss overwhelming I must also like her.

Exactly! Thank you, Rebecca!

Of course I empathize w the Dutch family. Her behavior was bad. Irrational. Maybe a touch insane. I actually don't judge a seriously ill person if they do something psychotic. Not that she was psychotic. This is just one grief moor among many. This is what overwhelming loss did to one person. I think there are probably some things you don't recover from. And resilience is genetic anyway so we all start out in different places. Lower resilience bank=less recovery. I'd like to think I wouldn't harass a family who wound up renting my house against my will. But I'd that's the worst trauma someone privileged enough to rent a very nice home in Sri Lanka has to face in life, maybe it builds character. I appreciate that she owned her character. She is saying this is why grief is like FOR ME. We can only be grateful if its not what it's like for us. As I said in my review bereaved parents everywhere can feel gratified by her behavior because even if we didn't act out in these extreme fshions, we often wanted to. She expresses the internal reality for a lot of people. And the hell with the smiley face American crap that says we're supposed to grow and put a big bow on everything

Amen and ditto to this entire review.

I'm so very happy for you that you were able to write a review like this because it means you've never had to experience intense grief. Lucky you.

In which I judge the judgers: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

Fully agree with Kat above.

I wasn't going to read this book, but because of your review I now will. Like many other people (myself included), until we are faced with tragedy, war, etc we do keep the romantic notion of tragedy, the one we see in fiction and movies a lot, that everything has its purpose and that out of everything that happens something good can be learned, some personal growth, some greater good.
Well, in real life unfortunatelly it doesn't and the two examples you mention in your review make this book so real, i have to check it out (despite its horrifying theme)

Thanks.

I was looking at back at my ratings and came upon my one star rating of this book (which I didn't have the heart to review). I agree with your review Avidreader. Let me also assure you I have experienced great personal life, as well. I think her anger in this book made it very hard to read. I understand that for some that's a very normal reaction, but that seemed like her only reaction for however long it took to read this book. And it is totally acceptable to not like a memoir, even one as tragic as this one. We all aren't the same so are reactions or sympathies are not all going to be the same. I commend the author for surviving the tsunami and living with her grief day in and day out. But this review was honest and I agree with it. I felt bad for not liking it but I'm glad I wasn't alone.

I'm only about halfway in, but that is my exact feeling, Avidreader. I know she has been through an unspeakable tragedy, but she does not express the smallest compassion for everyone else who is suffering with her, and is particularly cruel to other children. I know that she has been through unimaginable trauma, but like you said, from the very beginning it's apparent that she does not feel compassion for any of the other sufferers. I'm hoping this will change as the book goes on, but so far, I think your take is on point.

Now that I finished it, I think we did get to see a more well rounded view of the author and her life with her family towards the end. Overall I really enjoyed it and would recommend it, but definitely was put off by the author in the first half.

Avidreader...You can't judge her attitude during the tragedy as "callous" "even before she knew her family was dead"...My God, the woman was in shock. There is no way to determine how someone will react to such a situation, we are all different! I have lost a child, my only child, and your criticism of her lack of personal growth, etc. is just honestly the way it is for some of us. There aren't always happy endings...and a grieving parent who believes there are is probably forcing themselves to believe in something, anything, to make it all make sense. The truth is, for a lot of us, it just doesn't make sense, there is no silver lining, there are no morals to the story. When you lose a child, you are just broken. She bravely exposed herself and what she endured and still endures with brutal, raw honesty, that, unfortunately, some of us can relate to. People who want happy endings should probably stick to fiction...or at least avoid memoirs of child loss, because it's just pain, all pain.

When people comment on how they found the book they aren’t ‘making judgements.’ They are describing their viewpoint. There needs to be a freedom to express that. I found the author’s comments cold and unkind in a few instances but brave to express how SHE felt. The book is quite analytical, I found, with little emotion. Because of this I ended the book feeling v little about her story, quite empty, to be honest. The author is an economist and researcher, so successfully in her career, I imagine but I didn’t resonate with her story-telling.

I felt much the same but you were able to articulate it more clearly.

She’s literally gone through an unimaginable trauma, I think I would be pretty ‘cold’ too if I’d just lost my entire family in one day.

I completely agree with this review!

I just started reading it, and am feeling the same in the first few pages.

Well Rebecca it's fine to express a viewpoint. But this is a shallow review.

Totally agree Rebecaa!

Let’s see you react in a charitable and cheery way after being near-concussed in a tsunami and missing 5 family members.

These criticisms of the authors have demonstrated how many people have no idea how trauma works.

I find it deeply ironic, truly, that so many people feel so comfortable in admonishing the author of this book for not being kind and compassionate in her grief, without any awareness that they themselves are entirely lacking in compassion. It is selfish to dictate how another person 'should' grieve. It is deeply entitled to judge another person for their response to their own trauma. There's something almost darkly comical about people believing and professing themselves to be so very properly compassionate and empathetic, whilst inadvertently demonstrating the complete opposite. As someone who also lost half my family, albeit in very different circumstances, I always laugh when people say that they know how they'd react. You don't.

seek help! lol