As my ancestor once said. . .

Listen, I understand why they had Spock clarify WHICH ancestor he was talking about, and it was in fact relevant to the Holodeck episode at hand, but I firmly believe that as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's descendant that Spock would absolutely know that Doyle HATED Sherlock Holmes and take great pains to never bring the character up, EVER.

~

Kirk: "The game is afoot, gentlemen!"

Spock: "I'm not familiar with that phrase, Captain."

McCoy: "What? The single most beloved character in human history? How?"

Spock: "Well, my ancestor DID do some hobby writing, but I know him better as a scientist."

~

While we're at it, if Spock DOES bring Doyle up, have it be in reference his work with Harry Houdini trying to prove the existence of the afterlife. Have him wax poetic (Vulcan poetry, let's not go crazy) about Doyle and Houdini inspiring him to remain a scientist after his rejection of the Vulcan Science Academy, and encourages him to think outside the box of normal logical parameters, which has always helped him in his duties on the Enterprise.

AND THEN

Make it related to a mystery of the week.

Spock: . . . I may have some relevant information about these beings in one of my ancestor's old notebooks, Captain.

Pike: You mean about the fairies that are harassing this border colony along the Klingon frontier?

Spock: . . . Yes.

Also Much Ado About Nothing

*lights my hilariously large pipe, whilst wearing a tweed jacket, with a faux-British accent*

If you'll read the text closely, we are clued in to Beatrice and Benedick' impending matrimony from the very beginning!

"Beatrice," from the Latin Beatrix, of course, means "Bringer of Joy."

"Benedick" is, naturally, Italian for "excellent penis," and means much the same thing.

It was destiny, and a dick joke, as is classic Shakespeare.

Much Ado About Nothing

Beatrice/Benedick: I hate this person in particular. They are so fucking annoying. I will destroy them in iambic pentameter, because you can't actually murder someone in a Comedy.

Nearby secondary character: They are actually in love with you.

Beatrice/Benedick, with no hesitation: Sounds right. I'm going to dig out my sonnet-writing quill immediately, and find a suitable platter on which to offer them my warm, bloody, still beating heart.

My favorite part of Beatrice and Benedick's chemistry.

Safe House, 84 dvd's in to the Nicholas Cage Collection

<Iris by Goo Goo Dolls plays in the background>

Dr. Kevin Cozner: . . . And who is THIS gentleman?

Jake Peralta: I TOLD you, he's Seth, the angel who secretly yearns to become human to win the love of Meg Ryan.

Dr. Kevin Cozner: No. The gentleman standing next to Nicholas Cage.

Peralta: You mean Cassiel, his best friend who serves as foil by exemplifying contentment within his given role?

Dr. Kevin Cozner: Hm. Good Heavens, he's. . . quite severe, isn't he?

Jake: . . . I guess there's something about him. Are you into that? Should I leave?

Dr. Kevin Cozner: Sshh.

Jake: . . .

Jake: . . .

Jake: When I was a kid, I used to pretend Cassiel was my dad.

Elf Lord of Beleriand: "Hey, what's the password to the Doors of Durin, which will allow the elves to freely pass to the Halls of Khazad-Dum?"

Durin I: "Guest."

Elf Lord: "That's. . . That's a little condescending, don't you think?"

My current Star Trek conspiracy theory is that the reason we've only rarely seen Admiral Janeway since the end of Voyager is because she's a leading figure in the oft-mentioned but as-yet unseen Temporal Wars.

Star Wars AU centered on an Inquisitor who joined the Dark Side because he hates Anakin Skywalker almost as much as Vader does.

-------

Vader: "Anakin Skywalker was weak. I destroyed him!"

Inquisitor kneels, tears in his eyes: "Ugh, he was the fucking worst! I'm glad someone finally kicked the shit out of him like he deserved!"

Vader: ". . . Uh."

Inquisitor: "Obviously, I'm in for whatever you're doing here. Any enemy of that prick is okay in my book!"

-------

Vader keeps looking for reasons to kill him, but he is frustratingly the most competent and loyal in the entire Inquisition. Because the true secret to power among the Sith is just an intense hatred of Anakin Skywalker.

I guess what I really want out of life is to have that off-stage scene where MacBeth murders King Duncan brought onstage.

MacBeth is played by Rowan Atkinson.

The scene is forty minutes long.

Duncan dies by accident.

Bilbo Baggins, finder of oddities

Having re-watched 'The Hobbit,' I can't help but notice that Bilbo JUST RANDOMLY HAPPENED to have tripped over: two lost swords belonging to the Kings of the Nolder in a random troll cache, the One Ring in a pit he happened to fall into, and the Arkenstone while running from a dragon. Given these 'coincidences,' I'm convinced the reason Gandalf insisted on escorting him all the way back to the Shire was because he feared that if Bilbo was unsupervised for longer than ten minutes he would have also ended up tripping over the lost Dragon-Helm of Dor-Lomin, any number of the missing palantirs and at least one of the Silmarils that were prophesied to stay lost until the End of the Arda.

Elrond & Durin IV

I am setting aside the many, many, many things wrong with Amazon's Rings of Power, and choosing instead to embrace young Elrond's role as Durin IV's ADHD friend with golden retriever energy.

------

Celebrimbor: This task will be a mighty undertaking, and will require mighty tools. Young Elrond: OMI, MY BEST FRIEND KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT! I'LL GO GET HIM!!! (runs out)

------

Young Elrond: THERE'S DURIN! HE'S MY BEST FRIEND hemaybelooksmadforsomereasonthatsweird but I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM!!

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Young Elrond: BEST FRIENDS BREAKING ROCKS TOGETHER! HE'S SO GREAT AT IT, I BETTER NOT MAKE IT EASY SO HE CAN SHOW EVERYBODY HOW STRONG HE IS!!!

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Durin IV (vibrating with indignant rage): Do you. . . have any idea. . . how long it's been since you last visited?

Young Elrond (trying to remember how time works): Like. . . a week?

Durin IV: TWENTY YEARS!! YOU GHOSTED ME, YOU INCONSIDERATE ELF BITCH!!

Young Elrond: That doesn't sound right. What are years, again?

Durin IV: You missed my WEDDING!!

Young Elrond: OMI MY BEST FRIEND GOT MARRIED!! TELL ME EVERYTHING SHE SOUNDS AWESOME I'M SO HAPPY!!!! :DDDDD

Durin IV: . . . Alright, we'll make a detour. But you're not staying for dinner.

Young Elrond: I LOVE DWARF FOOD!! :DDDD

Durin IV: (sighs wearily)

More Incorrect Star Wars quotes, again!

Anakin to the Council: Where is all this hate coming from? You guys tell me I’m the best all the time!

<cut> Rex: You’re the best, General!

<cut> Rex: You’re the best, General!

<cut> Rex: General Skywalker, you’re the best!

Anakin: . . . Y’know, that might just be Rex.

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Anakin: The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That’s where blood is SUPPOSED to be!

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Anakin: Master, we just caught a serial killer! I’ve wanted to do that since I was four years old!

Kenobi: That’s troubling.

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Rex: Welcome to the 501st, General. I'm Captain Rex.

Pong Krell: And I'm not interested. I have no use for clones. I find clones weird and confusing. I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells me how many calories I burn at any time. Question- how many calories do you think I burned walking from there to there? You, clone closest to me.

Dogma: Oh! Uh, three?

Pong Krell: Three?! Haaaa ha-ha-ha! Try 0.8, numbnuts! I made promises to my superiors that I most certainly cannot keep. That's why I need you idiots to work twice as hard- no, no! Strike that! Four times as hard! No, no no! Strike that! I NEED YOU MORONS TO WORK EIGHT TIMES HARDER THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED, IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! I'm having a heart attack. Yep, I'm having a heart attack. . . Get back to work.

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Ahsoka: Name one thing Rex can do that I can’t!

Anakin: Roller skate like an angel?

Ahsoka: Whore! I’m great at skating! Or have you forgotten Barris Offee’s fourth grade birthday party?

Anakin: I have definitely forgotten that. Can you look exactly like this Rex decoy I hired?

Cut-up: Sup?

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Ahsoka to Cut-up: If you’re going to pose as me, you need a little more Beyonce swagger. . . Alright, working with what you got, I guess.

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Ahsoka: On the bright side, you got Masters Kenobi and Skywalker off their hunger strike. 

Mace Windu: I just threw a bunch of popcorn on the floor. It wasn’t that hard.

Ahsoka: Yeah, they’re animals.

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Kenobi: Normally, it’d be our word against theirs, but luckily the Clones were all wearing body cams! 

Anakin: You see, Master, the thing about cameras is that they don’t really tell the whole objective truth. Images can be distorted. People can appear naked.

Kenobi: What are you talking about?

Rex: General Skywalker is completely nude in the footage, sir.

Kenobi: WHY?!

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Anakin: Baba-booie! Cornholio! . . . And that’s it for my prepared remarks. Any questions?

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Kenobi: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.

Anakin: In my defense, Ahsoka bet me 5 credits that I couldn’t drink all that shampoo.

Kenobi: That’s not what. . . You drank shampoo? 

Anakin: . . . No. You’re the one farting bubbles.

More Incorrect Star Wars Quotes

Maul: I called you here because I’m in peril!

Ezra: Pft! Peril.

Maul: Don’t pft my peril! Someone’s trying to kill me! That's why I called my Apprentice!

Ezra: I’m not your apprentice, I’m your worst enemy! Get it through your head!

Maul: This kind of bickering is what makes us such an adorable couple!

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Maul: Mama, this is my apprentice, Ezra Bridger. And this is my personal assistant, Mangy Kanan.

Kanan: You can just call me Kanan, ma’am. Maul: Mangy Kanan used to be a homeless gentleman. I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck Jedi.

Mother Talzin: Oh, that’s sweet! He’s been so good to your people!

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Maul: I can’t help it. You’re like a son to me. A white, crispy son.

Ezra: How would that even work? Am I adopted or something?

Maul: No, your mother’s just really pale. Almost invisible. 

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Maul (escaping): Ezra, I can’t hear you through the vacuum of space! I’ll just assume you’re finally admitting to be my apprentice!

Ezra: Dammit, Maul! I will bring you to justice one day!

Maul: No you’re MY best friend! I’m so proud of us for finally being able to say it!

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Quinlan: Ventress, I know we just met, and I don't wanna be too forward. . .

Kenobi: Quinlan.

Quinlan: Sometimes you just get a feeling about a person!

Kenobi: Quinlan.

Quinlan Vos: I've got that feeling about you. I like you. I think tonight we-

Kenobi: Quinlan, look down!

Quinlan: Oh. . . shoot.

Ventress: They just gave me ten years in prison.

Kenobi: . . . She didn't say no!

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Ventress: Will you tell my sweet Mother Talzin the inspiring story about how Maul saved from being a mulch-butt hoe?

Ahsoka: . . . That is 100 percent accurate, Ma’am.

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Maul: Oh, my God, Lady Tano, are you saying what I think you're saying?!

Ahsoka: Yes. You have a copycat!

Maul: I didn't think I'd accomplished enough in my career for this!

Ahsoka: I know, it's big!

Maul: It just feels so good to be seen, you know?!

Ahsoka: Wait. The only way to catch a copycat is to team up with the original crime lord!

Maul: I'm back in the Order! Give me a lightsaber!

Quinlan Vos: Absolutely not.

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Hondo Ohnaka: Hey, who’s your boyfriend?

Ventress: Who said boyfriend? Quinlan services my needs and then shuts his pretty little mouth so I can get down to BUSINESS. Make ‘em bounce, daddy!

Quinlan: (sighs, does the pec-pop)

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Maul: Stop caressing my baby sister!

Quinlan Vos: How can I be caressing HER with MY pecs?

Maul: Look at those things! They have thumbs!

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Ventress: I am a grown woman, Maul! I. NEED. TO. SMUSH.

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Bo-Katan: I can’t believe Quinlan Vos is dating Maul’s sister. I remember when Kenobi made out with my sister, I was mad at him for ten years!

Kenobi: That was only five years ago.

Bo-Katan: And you’ve still got five left.

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Quinlan: Ventress has a ranch on Dathomir where she goes when she’s on the run. She’s there now, getting rid of the scorpions. Or adding more scorpions. I dunno, the reception was bad.

Incorrect Star Wars Quotes

Ahsoka (capturing Maul during the Siege of Mandalore): Take a good look, kids! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE NAUGHTY.

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Maul: The Hutts messaged me last week. Something about wanting to smuggle drugs in stolen speeders. I told them no, because drugs are stupid. . . Except weed and sex pills; a man has needs.

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Maul: I’m gonna get the lobster thermidor. . . Mostly to see what it is.

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Maul: Lady Tano! Hello from Paradise! Actually, I am a little disappointed in the hotel. How do you mess up an omelet? It’s just a flat egg!

Ahsoka: He basically just talks about the omelet for ten minutes.

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Ahsoka: You wanted to talk to me?

Kidnapper: Keep those hands in the air. And wave 'em like you just don't care.

Ahsoka: What?

Maul: I'm just messing with you, Lady Tano. Put your hands down, give me a hug!

Ahsoka: MAUL!

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Ahsoka: Maul, why do you have hostages?

Maul: You mean Zeb and the two Jedi? They’re not hostages. I prefer to call them "collateral friendships". I gave 'em each 500 credits out of my own pocket.

Ezra: Thanks again, Maul.

Zeb: You’re the man, Maul.

Kanan: Actually, I'd rather still not be a hostage.

Maul: Kanan hasn't come around on me yet. Tell him I'm a nice person, Ahsoka.

Kanan: I'm sorry. Ahsoka, are you friends with this Sith Lord?

Ahsoka: No, not really.

Maul: Absolutely, best friends.

Ahsoka: It's a layered relationship, Kanan.

Maul: Best friends.

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Maul: I got a new job and everything! I sit behind out-of-touch Senators to make them seem less racist!

<cut> The texture of quiche is unsettling.

I made 75,000 credits for that nonsense!

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Mace Windu: You’re a mob boss and a Sith Lord! Look at this rap sheet: Piracy. Kidnapping. Grand Theft Speeder. Grand Theft Speeder. Grand Theft Starship. Dog fraud.

Maul: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. ‘Twas a cat!

Ahsoka: . . . So the guy sold a few cats as dogs. . .

Maul: Oh, more than a few. It’s weird how many people fell for that.

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Maul: Coruscant’s Finest just got a whole lot finer!

Ahsoka: Gimme that lightsaber!

Maul: It’s not loaded! I just wanted to pull it and say a cool one-liner.

. . .

Maul: The thin blue line just got thick as Hell!

Ahsoka:  Where do you keep getting these?

Maul: It’s not loaded!

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Ahsoka & Maul: (karaoke singing “Kiss from a Rose”)

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Ahsoka: So what’s next for you, Maul?

Maul: I’m turning over a new leaf. Gonna live that honest life. Buy a little house. Maybe start a bakery. Invest in my retirement. 

Ahsoka: You’re going to go right back to being a crime lord, aren’t you?

Maul: That is very much on the table, yes.