Hey bro on a scale of nothingburger to everythingbagel how would you rate our gay sex last night

crotch is literally the most comfortable place to lay your hands. especially with thighs pressing on them. but im scared people will think im a pervert of sex

When I am elected president I will institute a law saying that anyone with a net worth over 50 million must, at their own expense, employ a Jester. They must feed, clothe, and house the Jester according to the Jesters wishes, may not fire the Jester, and may not retaliate against the Jester, as the Jester will have Jesters Privileges.

One must spend at least three hours per day on the company of your Jester, and allow the Jester access to your quarterly reports.

The Jesters will be chosen by voluntary lottery. Jesters will be regularly interviewed to make sure they have not become Lackeys.

This law will prevent rich folk from being surrounded with vapid yes-men. A lot of problems with the world right now are happening becuse rich and powerful men don’t have anybody on hand to say “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

having undiagnosed autism as like an elementary schooler is like “hi!!!! i love everyone and want everyone to be my friends!!!! :D” and then everyone is really fucking mean to you constantly for reasons you can’t even begin to comprehend

The road to the childrens’ hospital

@swedishfalcon-actual

I hope this joke outlives the context that made it, leaving future generations baffled.

.

.

This.

This is why people who stay in my life are neurodiverse like me!

Huh

this!! I swear I lost like all my friendships bc of this, like I had a group of friends in hs that one day I realized “huh I haven’t talked to this people in a while” and popped in to say hi and they were all awkward?? because they hadn’t seen me in a while?? and that’s when I realized that friendship works different for them?? I was like yeah I haven’t talked to you in like four months but it’s not like I’ve forgotten about y'all why would anything change, and they were all like we haven’t talked to you in four months why are you here again acting like nothing happened? and it was really confusing for me

YEAH! THAT!

Also I have a thing where I just put the people on pause. If I don’t see them or contact them, my brain kinda put them in stasis. I don’t think about them nor misses them, and I stay on what I last knew about them (how they look, what they study/work). So when we meet again I’m like “wait, you’ve aged?” and I have the same familiarity with them thanI had before.

Anyway all my mutuals I haven’t messaged in forever - this is why

oh my gods this makes so much sense??? there are people who i haven’t talked to at all for literally over a year and we’ll pick up like nothing happened, but for their people it’s just like…… falling apart but onesided???? i think we’re still on the same level but actually we’re strangers??

Ohhhhhh

OHHHHHHHHH….

Ok but listen, on the other side of this, as a person who moved hundreds of miles away from everyone i knew and then became a hermit for several years, it was SUCH A FUCKING RELIEF to get in contact with an old friend and have him be like, “my friendship levels do not degrade, so in my mind we are still awesome close buddies” and i almost fkn cried. I thought he would be mad or would have moved on because i had slacked on my reaching out to him and staying in touch and doing all the friendship things. But NOPE. 800 miles of distance, depression, and life changing circumstances didnt steal our friendship and i am SO GRATEFUL.

#came back to tumblr after four years #lottie and I immediately went like that spiderman meme yknow tags via @rudjedet

I have literally no friendship degradation whatsoever. I will not have spoken to someone for 5 years or more, and they’re still as much a friend to me as if I had only seen them yesterday. I’m just very bad at communicating if someone is not in my direct orbit. So when Sonja reappeared on this site I basically screeched into her notes like a banshee because I was delighted and we picked straight back up where we’d left off.

Happy to go on the record that I don’t expect regular contact and will welcome hearing from people after a long time

Holy shit, I didn’t actually realize this was a Thing.

for me the first time it happened I got so nervous about rekindling stale friendships between me and someone i haven't met for years that I in turn became the friend who's ship degrades. very sad

A cyanometer is a device used to measure the intensity of blue in the sky, often used in meteorology and atmospheric studies. It typically consists of a series of blue color patches or a color gradient, allowing the user to compare the sky’s color to these reference colors.

Do you like the wheel of the sky

Well I like that it doesn't take 5 minutes to scroll past.

Spin the wheel. This is now your highest stat.

baseball huh

people who aren't really into neil young have no clue that his old roommate has a monopoly on the art column with her terrible terrible art that she i guess just emails him

the friend group when that one dude guilt trips with unaliving for attention

for this year's Halloween pumpkin I was seized by the vision of a Minoan octopus vase type motif and it wouldn't let me go until 202 individually carved suckers later

FOOD HUBRIS BY COUNTRY america: believes their shitty local burger chain is a once-in-a-lifetime culinary experience because their mayo includes onion paste canada: if your poutine tastes better than the styrofoam plate it comes on you will discover the cold rage that lies under the canadian's polite exterior united kingdom: despite thriving and unique fusion cuisines spreading from the UK to the rest of the world in recent decades, when asked to think of 'british food' the average UK citizen will start a fight over whether cold beans with a modest side of white bread is haute cuisine france: McDo Ortolan Bunting italy: extremely mad about american versions of italian food. blissfully ignorant of what happens in brazil brazil: if the scientific genius applied to making cronenbergian pizzas were applied to anything else, brazilians would all be commuting to jobs on the moon. They have pizza that can feel pain russia: obviously mayonnaise is the perfect topping for all foodstuffs, this is solved. The question is what to put on top of mayonnaise, and it might never be answered germany: less a joke than a fact: the single most produced numbered Volkswagen part is a standardized currywurst

VOLKSWAGEN CURRYWURST IS REAL IM FLIPPING OUT

Y'know I was gonna make a comment about German "Mexican" food, but that Volkswagen thing genuinely takes the cake. What the fuck.