“No, your grandma didn’t speak in tongues, but she did sob. You called her a dipshit.”

My boyfriend, again blending together fanfiction tropes: So what if when you finally find your soulmate, that’s when you discover if you’re alpha or omega, right?

Me, hands shaking as I frantically search for pen & paper: KEEP TALKING

Me: Seems hellish

Boyfriend: So does being an ant person

Me: Again, baby, they’re not ants

Boyfriend: YES THEY ARE. They communicate via pheromones— LIKE ANTS.

Me: So back to the soulmate thing….

Boyfriend: You could trick them into following orders and thinking they’re dead by spraying them with a spritz bottle. I think they need a queen.

Me: So back to the soulmate thing…. Seems hellish!

Boyfriend: Not really. If being around the other person is what triggers the changes, if you want to go back to normal… all you need to do is leave.

Me, writing: (You found your soulmate. It’s changing you in scary ways. All you need to do is leave… how difficult would it be to leave? What pressures exist to stay?)

Boyfriend: So these ant-people—

Me: OMEGAVERSE IS NOT ANTS!!!!!!

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

OP the tags!!

So I've got this friend whose nervous because she's trans and dating this guy who she hasn't told yet because they've only been on a two dates. For this story let's call the friend Jane and the guy she was dating Jason. Happy ending don't worry.

So I tell Jane to bring her boy over to a bbq I'm having and she can tell him she's trans at my place surrounded by queer and trans people who love her and will support her if he ends up being awful.

She waits till the end of the bbq to tell him the news, by which point the rest of us have learned that Jason is a kind, friendly, empathetic, hard working, dummy. So we sit down, all of us a little worried about this gym bro's reaction when she tells him she's trans, and that she understands if he doesn't want to keep dating her it's no big deal.

He's baffled, so we explain what trans is, and after the disclosure that she hasn't had bottom surgery yet...

"Oh you have a dick?"

"... yeah."

He look's around at the room full of people with baited breath, his clearly a little afraid girl friend says

"Oooohhhh! I get it! You think- don't worry Babe! Watch this!"

And ya'll this man jumps up, runs into the kitchen and returns with one of the bratwurst we had for grilling and proceeds to tilt his head back, put it down his throat, hold it in his mouth for a moment, and spit it up without even a whisper of a gag and then looks around at the group absolutely beaming with pride.

My mans saw his worried girlfriend and her support network and thought to him self "Oh they don't think I can't please my girl, but I'll show them!"

I do feel the need to add that later he excitedly tell the group that as a straight guy, he never thought that skill would be useful outside hotdog eating contests.

"Man its too bad that im straight since I've got like no gag reflex and all."

"Honey, I must tell you, i am in fact trans and I have not had bottom surgery."

"My god... everything's coming up Jason."

Pure of heart dumb of ass hetero of sexual

Someone in Glasgow please go see this for me pls. I will be there in spirit 🙏

Brief report from the flute accompaniment:

It went well! At least 100 people attended, families dogs a solid portion of Glasgow's trans community. There was a really lovely atmosphere, nice weather and a very cheerful celebratory vibe.

After short speeches from the ballhaver and the large dyke (my wife), the ballhaver was given a chupa chup and blindfolded (execution style). The balls were then duly kicked; it made a surprisingly loud dull thumping sound. She fell to the ground to loud cheers and there was a moment of silence while Taps played on the flute. The large dyke wore solovair urban hikers.

i missed my girlfriend's bawkicking due to an unscheduled overnight stay in aberdeen, glad youse were all there for her.

even if shes still an eejit for this. i am morally oppossed to my bridesmaid kicking my girlfriend in the baws on a fundamental level.

glad my best person got to belt out the choons tho

Someone in Glasgow please go see this for me pls. I will be there in spirit 🙏

There's construction (well, mostly destruction) going on next door and I have turned into menwatchingworkers.jpg for highs like these.

A recreation of what I saw when I was passing my boss's desk

things I expected from watching glass onion with my family: a fun evening with a movie I know we’ll all enjoy

things I did not expect from watching glass onion with my family: my mother going on a 15 minute rant about how much she hates Hugh grant (based on his 15 seconds of screen time) and how Benoit Blanc deserves better, and then my dad defending Hugh Grant because he was holding a sourdough starter and that’s the ‘sign of a caring partner’

awhile ago a coworker and i were play arguing whether or not the mystery gang were all romantically a thing/polycule or just really good friends (yknow bored at work things) and knowing my bfs interest in scooby doo i texted him asking him to be the tie breaker and he responded “well it depends which canon youre going off of” and just instantly cold sweat knew i was out of my depth

A black cat was spotted atop the stones at Stonehenge during the Winter Solstice celebrations. This is considered be a good omen for the coming year.

Lmao staff at a Nigerian hospital hung this up after a boss they didn't like was transferred away

got a new lighter. it’s shaped like a fish and it blinds you.

it had a huge sticker on it that said “this is not a toy”. the gas station i got it from had a sign infront of the display for these only that said “buy first, then test”. the first time you strike it (from the fins, by the way) you find out exactly why. they have added incredibly bright flashing blue LED lights on the eyes, which point directly into your eyes and the eyes of whoever is looking anywhere close to the fish that makes you blind.

a friend of mine was like “you can probably take this apart and cut the wires so it doesn’t do that anymore” and i told her “no i can’t. i can’t do that” and she was like “???why not?????????”

it’s just too fucking funny. this is the stupidest thing i own. thinking about that gas station clerk with like 50 more of these fucking things thinking “how the fuck am i gonna get rid of these?” makes me loose it. setting up the sign and i was literally the first person to buy one.

who thought this was a good idea.

I remember one time I got INSANELY high off of edibles while playing Among Us, and it quickly became apparent to the other players online. I forget how honestly but literally anything "sus" I did was ignored by everyone because I was so fucking high. I tested this theory by standing in front of a body and the person that actually reported it didn't even mention me. The funniest part was when I was trying to do wires, I kept fucking up over and over again, so I was just standing in front of wires for actual minutes trying to figure it out. A small crowd of players gathered around me to watch and would get mad every time someone reported a body or emergency meeting because "she's never going to get her tasks done if you keep interrupting them." I don't think anyone cared about winning at that point, they just wanted to see the high crew mate succeed in her tasks.

THIS IS 1000% ACCURATE LMFAO. Thank you op

Ohhhh yeah