No, seriously, do NOT.

Feeling dirty and grimy for extended periods of time is extremely draining on the mental well-being of humans. Psychological studies prove it is detrimental to our self-esteem and contentment. And no wonder; we are animals--homo sapiens, a kind of ape--that instinctively places high importance on personal grooming. Like monkeys and cats and birds in a zoo, one of the best ways to make us feel sad ... is to make us feel gross to ourselves.

So here's an easy saying from my therapist/zookeeper:

"If you feel like you hate the world, eat something.

If you feel like the world hates you, get some sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, take a shower.

You will probably feel much better."

Do all three at once to become the perfect life form

Whoa! Is this where @redgoldsparks ‘ comic comes from?

Yes this is the source of the text!

People who hate Frodo Baggins are my enemy. "He didn't do anything and was useless"--yeah, okay, so what you're not understanding is that he was the sacrificial lamb. He endured physical, mental, and emotional torment that got worse and worse as his will broke. Everyone knew this. EVERYONE KNEW THIS. That's why everyone was devastated about it. Because Frodo was the most innocent among them, that was the entire point. He represented ordinary peaceful people being destroyed by the horrors of war. And as a hobbit he also represented some of the last vestiges of magic in what was basically a post magic apocalypse.

Frodo was basically an innocent puppy thrown into the Torment Nexus so that EVERYONE ELSE could maybe have a hope of surviving. And he did that willingly. HE DID IT OF HIS OWN FREE WILL, KNOWING IT WOULD RUIN HIM.

Frodo haters won't see the light of heaven

"these researchers published a paper on something that literally any of us could have told you 🙄" ok well my supervisors wont let me write something in my thesis unless I can back it up with a citation so maybe it's a good thing that they're amplifying your voice to the scientific community in a way that prevents people from writing off your experiences as annecdotal evidence

they did the research in the first place because they believed you and wanted to tell people about it. they are not our enemies.

Crushing news: shrinkflation so bad the funny number has decreased from 69 to 67

I like when delivery people ask you to sign their tiny shitty screen with your finger like alright sure we can do some free drawing I guess. Some random strokes that evoke the essence of a signature. Looking me dead in the eyes while I play fruit ninja on this blank screen. Why not.

When I say “last year,” I’m talking about 2019

Lowkey love the word grasp. There’s a desperation to it. You can never casually grasp something

extremely funny to me that Kermit the Frog is the only main overlap character between Sesame Street and The Muppets. imagine your day job is hanging out in a community of lovely people that genuinely just want to help kids learn and care about everyone so so much and then your night job is the reason that you have to stay up to date on your rabies AND tetanus vaccine

Interaction witnessed at post office today:

Elderly lady mail clerk and young customer are chatting. Customer says, "oh! I'm wearing my boss's coat right now, give me something weird to put in the pocket!" Others within earshot all start looking for something because, hey, important quest. Mail clerk finally reaches under counter, pulls out a large roll of labels, and tears one off.

Twas this

I am at the dentist. I do not want to be at the dentist. My chest is shaking.

I have to go back again TOMORROW

Oh no

I’m sorry Mys. At least once this is over you shouldn’t have to go back for a while?

🤔 I am not sure. They finished my deep cleaning today and tomorrow they’re going to do my updated scans since it’s been a while. And then today??? I got a call to do a sleep study 😵‍💫 now I’m at the doctor’s office waiting to sleep

Concept: in a setting where vampires exist and can only be harmed by symbols of faith (crucifixes, etc.), a James Randi-style skeptic/supernatural debunker witnesses his family murdered by vampires, and dedicated his life to hunting down what he believes are a cabal of ordinary serial killers with a blood fetish and some cheap plastic fangs. They die when he shoots them with an ordinary gun, granted holy status by the sheer force of his belief that they are actually just ordinary humans who will die when shot.

The reason the sun burns vampires is that all the plants worship it.

That is the single most insane addition possible and I love it.

first rule of storing tupperware is have fun and be yourself. second suggestion is slam the cabinet door quickly and don’t worry ‘bout it.

"my fave did nothing wrong" oh yeah well MY fave fucked everything up and she's still my fave so

please do this I'm always looking for more Fucked Up Women to stan

you are so smart

I am at the dentist. I do not want to be at the dentist. My chest is shaking.

I have to go back again TOMORROW

when I tell you I had to do a double take because I thought these were 2 parts of the same whole joke