Pinned
You know what's fucked up? Nearly 40 years of trauma that I'm just now coming to terms with.
Let's start with, I guess, step-uncle (Dad's step-brother), being a straight up abusive asshole. We're talking training me in Martial Arts in a Cobra Kai way, belittling me, actively tormenting me, basically shit, macho older brother shit, trying to make me into basically the guy with a goatee and sunglasses who would say "Covid is no joke, calling all prayer warriors."
Then the instability, so let's trace it 1 1/2-3 Boise (I only know for certain the latter half), ID; 3-6 Henderson, NV; 6 South Lake Tahoe,NV (2 months in Henderson); 6-7 North Lake Tahoe, CA; 7 Kuna,ID; 7-8 Boise; 8-9Nampa,ID; 9 technically homeless in N. Idaho; 10-21 North Bend-Snoqualmie, WA.
Oh and the fun of watching my paternal grandmother (who raised me), slowly die from Diabetes, and being practically the only family who'd visit.
Dad continually coming in, then exiting my life (usually doing hard time) until I was 13, then dropping me back off again ay 16 (because fucking hell I did not want to move to Kansas). So at least the last time was my choice.
Definitely self induced and perpetuated fasting all my life, because fuck it, keeps me sane controlling my weight, even if it's unhealthy. Sometimes seems like the only thing I can control.
Let's start with the specifics at age 1 year 6 months, left to my grandparents because dad is also dealing with his own shit from a bad childhood, and it's 1982 and mom doesn't seem to want to be a single mom.
Flash forward to 7 years old, go to visit dad and step-mom #1. Let's run downy step-siblings first. Horror Movie freak step-brother with massive mental problems, actually tried to lord over me that he was older, actively tried to punish me, usually for no reason all because he couldn't stay up late watching horror movies. Older step-sister #1, massive Marilyn Monroe Stan, didn't really acknowledge me except a few times to tease me. Older step-sister #2 (see TW tags) very inappropriate, like fuck she's the embodiment of red flags for CSA at 12 (porn, playing with dolls inappropriately, inappropriate flirting with me). Then step-mom #1. I could and still can tell I was not supposed to be around, at all. Wanted me to come visit, but had to sleep in a closet, regularly verbally abused, eventually my dad caught wind and actually did the right thing, twice (sent me back to get away because I was sleepwalking and he knew that was no Bueno, then after him and step-mom #1 moved to my grandparents for a short time caught her giving a very abusive, but not physical punishment and divorced her, before going back to prison soon after.)
Actually that was kinda the problem with my dad's relationships until step-mom #2, had older daughters who flirted with me.
The problem in Kuna between 7 & 8. So shortly after the above divorce moved to Idaho, supposedly because Grandmother's health was going downhill from the altitude later found out it was to keep me from becoming a ward because of my dad. Moved in for about 3 months with my great uncle. Great uncle had a friend or something since he was always there named Ken. Next door was a friend one year older than me. Friend was definitely being sexually abused by at least Ken, if not her family (her sisters, looking back now, also showed signs), literally pulled his dick out to rest it on her 8 year old ass. She was the definition of learned that sex=love, so her BFF definitely needed to do what Ken did... guess who that was. Yeah, abused by a kid 1 year older who didn't know better. Oh and aside from maybe my grandparents because he did that shit when they weren't around (both were actually trying to find a place), everybody, including his friends who were Birchers knew what was going on, including my great-uncle (he'd later cop an Alford for having sex with said friend when I was 16).
Then came the most stable time in my life. But oh, the Universe wasn't done. So going along fine until my dad met step-mom #2. Actually still my step-mom and frankly a better one than either of the others. She doesn't actually have anything here was the first to notice I was not doing well mentally.
Split time between the two homes (as unstable as it sounds was actually stable until...) fast forward to me 12, in 7th grade dad decides, you need to live with me and he's stable now, agree because he is. Unfortunately decides a few months later that I should only live with him (12ish years of not being there and just a year or so out of his thankfully last stint in prison). This causes massive problems in the Family. So torn from grandparents, friends, and school. Eventually changed back after a custody agreement was signed. Had to go into counseling a few more times over the next couple years, but it was stable.
Then I found the internet at 14 and by 15 was cybering, usually with people around my age who were, you know, uwu. First online boyfriend was 18. Didn't last long, second was 17 (note I was 15), third was 18, last was actually almost my age. So kinda groomed but not really. Did help me discover my sexuality though.
Then came 1999, probably the worst year of my life. First came Columbine, think on it a kid who liked Rammstein, Manson, KMFDM and loved trenchcoats (face it also in the area of Seattle so it was functional). Everybody avoiding me aside from friends for a month. Then go to Semenary (ex-Mormon) on a Friday, new friend (well old by this time since I'd known her since the 6th grade) and her sister have a fight. Last time I saw either alive. The next day, her stepfather killed in her, her mom, and that same sister, still don't know the reason. Then I moved to Kansas to be with my dad after school was over. Hell got a job doing cold calls because no diploma (technically needed one credit because of a snafu), it's going OK, until about a month in, my dad gets a call that my grandmother is in the hospital for the last time. I let work know and me and my family drive up to see her and attend the funeral. It was here I basically went no contact for almost a decade on my dad's side of the family, because the funeral was basically bashing on her Husband of 20-ish years who was there for her at the worst parts of her life all because she wanted my aunt back when I was 14 to take care of my cousins, instead of her who was in failing health, and nearly blind. After that moved back because Kansas is ass, and going through my senior year a second time for that one class met my first real boyfriend, we ended up breaking up, I said it was because I didn't know if I liked guys, but truthfully, it was because I was scared of other things (see above about ex-Mormon). Then met somebody else, we stayed together off and on until 2004, through a move back to Kansas, then coming back and being homeless for 3-ish months. But during that was...
So I had a friend throughout High School. We were thick as thieves, and he wanted to be a director, and musician and you know teen gonna be big shit. We also had a friend who was going to be pur editor. I wrote, he directed and she edited. It seemed great until I got a call from his mom. Shortly after his return from either Basic or A-school (he was a Marine for the money) and on his way back, she downed some pills and wine. Hit me hard, within the space of a year, I had lost a good friend, the woman who raised me, my first love and kiss, and another good friend.
So flash forward to September 11th, 2004, have a new girlfriend, we're all living at a friend's place. We get into a bit of a fight because of some stupid shit. She goes to the park nearby and me and one of our friends go over to make sure she's safe. The next 3 hours are such hell, being beaten, threatened to be killed, made to watch her rape, before being made to turn away so no witnesses. We're the cops not looking for these guys, it probably would have ended with me getting stomped and dumped. It destroyed our relationship. Soon after I met a guy, actually loved him, and fell out because neither of us were stable. Got stability when I moved back in with my grandfather for the next 3 years in 2006. Then he had a stroke and died, I was there for that death, but it still hurt and I was, in no way able to pay rent so got the first roomy I could afford.
Big mistake, it was 5 years of problems. Living with a schizoform bi-polar person does that. Even worse was his girlfriend. He might have been physical when he went manic, and hell even tried to kill me because he thought it'd bring her back. She however was verbal and mental, constantly doing the same kind of shit as my stepmother. I pretty much cut them out in 2016 when I came back to the stability I'm in now.
So if you wanna know why I say I'm fucked up, well go back to the beginning and reread.
Edit: Shit I almost forgot something. So shortly before that cutting out thing. Attempted and about the only time the roommate's girlfriend wasn't a piece of shit, she managed to get ahold of the crisis line to keep me from taking a kitchen knife down the road, or tossing myself out our second story window into a dive onto the ground.
