popular canadian satire site the beaverton is expanding into micro-horror and it’s good

watching a video on brewing Mesopotamian beer and look at this orange man (his ass cannot guard the barley)

slander! Did any potentates steal the barley on his watch????

They did not.

I've never actually played

The Texas State Aquarium has taught their crow to play connect four and I am DELIGHTED.

why does the texas state aquarium have a crow

it works there

Enrichment for the staff to play connect four with, of course.

i'm begging you guys to start pirating shit from streaming platforms. there are so many websites where you can stream that shit for free, here's a quick HOW TO:

1) Search for: watch TITLE OF WORK free online

2) Scroll to the bottom of results. Click any of the "Complaint" links

3) You will be taken to a long list of links that were removed for copyright infringement. Use the 'find' function to search for the name of the show/movie you were originally searching for. You will get something like this (specifics removed because if you love an illegal streaming site you don't post its url on social media)

4) each of these links is to a website where you can stream shit for free. go to the individual websites and search for your show/movie. you might have to copy-paste a few before you find exactly what you're looking, but the whole process only takes a minute. the speed/quality is usually the same as on netflix/whatever, and they even have subtitles! (make sure to use an adblocker though, these sites are funded by annoying popups)

In conclusion, if you do this often enough you will start recognizing the most dependable websites, and you can just bookmark those instead. (note: this is completely separate from torrenting, which is also a beautiful thing but requires different software and a vpn)

you can also download the media in question (look for a "download" button built into the video window, or use a browser extension such as Video DownloadHelper.)

if the "Complaint" links are not visible for you:

General useful stuff!

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Useful the next 1,110 days

“Never did like that much,” is a baller and superb way to express your irritation with the way the patriarchy refuses to acknowledge how badass you are.

Word.

Before World War I, she shot a cigarette out of the mouth of the Kaiser of Germany at his request.

After the war started she sent him a letter asking for another chance, as she was afraid her aim might’ve been a little off.

Annie Fucking Oakley everyone

Annie Oakley!!! My childhood Idol!!!! I Love Her!!!

Ask Siri if it plans to fill your room with deadly neurotoxin

wow…

There was one of those hyperspecific polls that had an option like “your grandfather told you war stories that he never told anyone else” and now I feel like I have to tell the story about how a spider saved my grandpa’s life in WWII and how my family doesn’t kill spiders because we owe our existence to that One Single Spider

So to set the scene, it's the height of WWII in France and my grandpa—a 6'3" 20 year old upper Michigan farm boy—has been separated from his company after their temporary camp was shelled. My grandpa (who, I have to add, was nicknamed 'the Suicide Kid' at this point because he worked in demolitions and bomb interception and kept taking the jobs no one wanted with the expectation that he was never going home anyway) is scared out of his wits, wandering around the French countryside alone. He has to move at night and sleep in barns and sheds during the day to hide from people who most definitely want him dead.

On one of these days, he finds a farmhouse of a very jittery couple who agree to let him sleep in the barn, with the conditions that he sleeps in the barn loft and if he's found, they disavow all knowledge that he was there. He agrees, because he's exhausted and will sleep in a hay pile if he has to. My grandpa manages to fit all six foot three inches of himself into a feed trough stored upstairs and tries to get some sleep.

However, right when he's half-snoozing, he hears motors outside and sure enough, here are some very angry officers of mixed Nazi and Vichy make confronting the couple saying someone up the road spotted an American soldier walking this way. They wouldn't know anything about that, would they? No, of course not.

All the while, my grandpa—now trying to figure out how to either escape the barn unseen or how to fight off six? seven? eight? people at once—freezes up and waits for the inevitable. While he does, a HUGE spider crawls next to his head and onto the loft railing. For one second, he thinks about swatting it away, but that would risk him being seen and killed.

So, instead, he lays there and waits to either fight to the death or get executed in a feed trough. And while he lays there, the spider starts making a huge web on the railing. My grandpa's transfixed by this thing. He watches her go around and around, building a solid web before plopping herself off to one side and waiting for breakfast. At the same time, the officers finally go into the barn.

My grandpa can hear them searching around, turning over crates and checking animal pens. Then, he hears one say to check the loft.

And then another say, "Don't bother. Look at the spiderwebs up there. No one's been there in a while."

And they leave.

Because my grandpa didn't swat the spider away and let her build her web, the officers thought no one was there and left him alone. They drive off and my grandpa immediately thanks the farmer couple and hauls ass out of there as soon as he can.

After this, my grandpa refused to kill any spider, and his kids did the same. Because if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't have lived and would never have had kids or grandkids. So we owe her one.

There's the man himself. Go grandpa!!

That’s the kind of thing that happens to legendary characters like King David and I think William Wallace (who i think both avoided being caught by their enemies due to a spider spinning a web over the entrance to a cave they were hiding in)

“I don’t know why young people thought everything was so easy in the past.” You and your husband raised 4 children on one salary. Bitch. You also raised 4 children on one salary at a time where it was normal to kick your kids out of the house all day and tell them to come home when the streetlights turned on. You never had to worry about their school issued Chromebooks. I get that you struggled too but refusing to acknowledge the modern struggle of childrearing and the breakdown of the ‘village’ (your neighbors who were watching your children after you locked them outside) and the horrific cost of living crisis is making me want to bash my head into a wall.

thought y’all might like another meme in these trying times

we need to make sure english people's brain are not terminally rotten by transphobia before they enter france because what the FUCK is it with them coming here and harrassing public service worker for their (often perceived) gender identity with the most vile shit ever

funniest convo ever with a guy who said 2 me "nobody uses journalism degrees" and i said "my mom has a bachelors in journalism" and he smiled like knowingly and said "yeah, but what does she do?" and i said "she runs a newspaper and publishes romance novels on the side." and he literally said "oh" and nothing else. like he ended the whole conversation there.

i've just been informed he has a trombone degree. like the study of playing trombone. which is all well and good, i genuinely think we should all have the opportunity to chase our academic bliss but i do think the trombone studies guy should hesitate to judge the economic value of other people's degrees no

Imagine meeting someone who's learned to speak your first language fluently, but you keep picking up that their perfectly sensible but very distinct vocabulary is the exact same type as the one you've only ever encountered while reading extremely specific and weird niche fetish porn.

Like you can't just ask someone if they spend a lot of time reading lovingly detailed vivid gory descriptions of people getting crushed when Godzilla steps on them, but come on. That's the only other place you've ever encountered anyone who would say those words in that order and now it bothers you.