please make sure that wherever you’re at in life, you don’t treat it like a transitory period. don’t waste your college years wishing to already be graduated & have a job. don’t waste your single years wishing for someone to be in love with. if/when those things come, they will come in due time and they will be good. but there is nothing like looking back and feeling empty because you wasted literal years ignoring what you had because you were hoping for something better. while it’s important to better yourself and reach for your goals, don’t neglect the present because that’s where you are now and it’s your now that determines your future. 

Im gonna shill for Marie Kondo again but this is why I find her books (yes, books, the TV show is fun but ultimately misses a lot of the core ideas) so good.

A lot of home org advice fully misses this aspect. Kondo not only acknowledges it, but leans into it. And ultimately this helps motivste me to keep my space tidy - it's really hard to me to keep on the nebulous goal of self-care, but much easier to get up and put things away if I envision my salt and pepper grinders as like, retail workers who are now standing in an empty shop (my dining table) and just wanna go home (the spice rack where they live).

Normie tidying process: that heater should be put away for summer! I mean, I'm not gonna need it

Me: well it's just chilling and also I can't be arsed.

Kondo: that heater has done a good job keeping you warm over winter and now it should get to go have a rest in the cupboard

Me: !! Sabbatical for my heater!! Thank you for your service sir and have a very nice break!

just saw a tiktok or something where the person was saying they did this and they were on a hike and they were like "i managed to get myself to go on this hike because i promised my boots we would go" and its like. OH YEAH. THAT.

when i remember that no amount of waiting will make me brave and no amount of fear will keep me safe

edit: image description by voxratasma added to alt text

https://twitter.com/CriminelleLaw/status/1037511306906099712

Reminds me of my mom getting remarried several years ago, for about a weekend - dude waited until after the wedding to tell her he expected her at waiting at home with dinner waiting when he finished work.

I dunno, like I get that this version of manhood is “normal” but goddamn is it the most brittle, contemptable fuckin thing

This is NOT these women’s fault in any way - these men hide their misogyny until they think you’re hooked. They know what they are doing.

These women are wise and brave. I admire them so much!

Not even touching the fact that he thinks teachers and nurses are lesser…he wants her to be less so that he can be more.

Am i the only one that thinks they could have come back from this? Like please tell me this was just the straw that broke the camels back and not a one off event. He must be an at least somewhat respectable person if she managed to stay with him up til that point. Him feeling lesser is a taught facet of his life pushed upon him by the patriarchy. It obviously damaged the way he viewed his gf, and his relationship, but that doesnt mean it cant be untaught. And of course its not this womans responsibility to be his teacher, but i hope she at least made him aware that this is what happened and why she left…

Literally how can you come back from someone wanting to have more power over you?

He’s not a little kid, he’s a grown ass man and if he hasn’t learned that 1. Teachers and nurses are smart as fuck and 2. That women aren’t and shouldn’t be lesser to him then when the hell is he going to learn from that?

Why does it need to be a final straw? Signs that someone is this fucked up are logs, not straws. And being a “respectable” person is easy when you’re lying about who you are and what you think.

These guys waited until they thought their women couldn’t possibly exist without them and then tried to shut down the things that made them special. Being nurses. Public defenders. Teachers.

These men pointed out what they were so proud of… how hard they worked… and tried suggesting that they stop. Tried making them feel bad about it. This is a common pathway into emotional and psychological abuse.

It was designed to make them feel bad and give it up. The next step would have been “what else can I take away”. Those situations where the woman’s confidence is shattered and it takes her years to get free of the asshole… 9/10 started with comments like this.

Please understand that this wasn’t an off the cuff thing. This was something he’s been thinking for a while, but waited to say til he thought he could make her change to suit him.

This is so important. These are not normal or innocuous comments these are red flags and classic behavior of abusers. People like this are insanely manipulative. They hook you in and pick you apart piece by piece. It starts with this, moves on to isolating you from your support system, and then flashforward a few years and you’re convinced that you’ll never be good enough and you need them to survive. You end up broken and completely subservient. These women did the right thing and are brave for speaking. Abusers aren’t usually the neighbors you hear screaming and shattering dishes like you see in the movies. They’re your “friendly next door neighbors” and they keep quiet. People are too scared to talk. Again, why her speaking up is so important.

THIS STUFF ALL OF THIS.

People wonder how anyone stays with an abuser - this is how. Because manipulative people don’t hit you or insult you on the first date. They wait until you’re invested in them and the relationship, and then they start small, with comments like this.

And they rely on the fact that so many people’s reaction will be “okay, that sucked, but we can come back from this.” They bank on their victim thinking that way. They might even apologize and claim they won’t do it again. But they always do, and they escalate slowly, so you’re a frog in a pot of hot water.

Don’t wait for the tenth red flag, because by then you’ll be starting to think that hey, that’s actually kind of a nice shade of red, so maybe it’s not so bad to have all these red flags around, maybe if I just decorated with them they’d be okay.

Also, women are not rehabilitation centers for poorly behaved men.

Ladies, this is how you do it.

And dudes absolutely start this shit slow. They gradually sprinkle it in, and slowly ramp it up, increasing the temperature of the water until the women are like the frogs, mostly unaware that they’re swimming in boiling water.

And when they do ramp it up to a new level, it’s often with something like this - when a woman’s committed to a new level on the relationship, like moving in together or deciding to be exclusive. They’re pushing the envelope now that the woman’s more invested.

And this woman did the right thing by moving out asap. Maybe she could salvage the relationship, but getting out is the first priority.

I could tell you all about what a lovely, affectionate, A+ boyfriend my asshole ex was – how he loved how strong and independent I am – right up until I moved in witn him, and then he set about trying to systematically tear me to pieces. Lying about everything from how he wasn’t allowed to make a spare key for me to what people at work were supposedly saying behind my back, isolating me from potential friends and then trying to make me doubt reality. Putting my clothes through a hot wash so they shrank. Berating me for taking a sick day. Never mind the cheating; I’m more offended he thought I was so stupid I wouldn’t notice, than that he did it, because by that point I was well out of fucks.

Why did I stay, if I knew within two months that he was a piece of shit? Simple: I wasn’t being paid enough to leave, and all the people I could have asked for help also knew him, possibly better than they knew me; when I reached out cautiously for support, most of them said it was in my head, or some bullshit about cultural differences that I knew was false. I didn’t feel safe and had nobody to lean on.

If your partner throws up a red flag once they get you dependent, don’t wait until it’s an alarm siren. Get out.

being abused or neglected really makes it clear how many things are skills that nobody really treats as. skills. exercising autonomy is a skill. listening to your body is a skill. resting is a skill. being liked and being loved are skills. nobody tells you how to do this shit because nobody even told me I was supposed to have learnt these things when I was a kid. I kind of just have to manually figure out what makes me freak out and work from there. unfair as shit

If you have any guests at all inside your home, even for a short duration of time, always offer them a beverage such as water, tea, or coffee. If they're going to be inside your home for more than a few minutes, always offer for them to sit down. And, if they're going to be inside your home for more than an hour or two, offer them snacks or a bite to eat.

Basic rules of hospitality are that you should always offer a drink, such as water, tea, or coffee to guests in your home even if they won't be there for long. It's one of the quickest, easiest, and simplest ways to make someone feel welcome and at ease.

It can also be important to offer for someone to sit, especially if this is one of the first times this person is visiting your home. Many people can feel awkward or uncertain about sitting down and making themselves at ease in someone else's home, especially if they haven't been there many times before. Being offered to sit down by the host may be the only way for them to feel at ease enough to sit down and make themselves comfortable.

Of course some exceptions apply, such as if this is an unwanted guest who is making you uncomfortable. But otherwise, if this is someone whose company you enjoy in your home, or even if you just feel neutral about, your duty as host is to make them comfortable and at ease, such as by offering them a beverage and a seat.

Being a good host is how we can establish stronger ties to other people, and how you can create more of a sense of community with the people around you who visit your home.

Do you have any advice for when a worker enters your home? For example, a plumber or repair person.

I never know if I shoould offer drinks/snacks or if it's better to stay out of their way and let them do their job.

It's definitely polite to offer workers like plumbers and electricians beverages and snacks. You're definitely not getting in their way at all by offering them water or a snack. I've heard too many horror stories from plumbers that people will yell at them or scold them for wanting a glass of water or just refilling their own water bottle at someone's house. If they're going around from house to house all day how else are they supposed to stay hydrated? You're definitely doing the polite thing by making it clear to them that they're allowed to have water at your house.

Also with any sort of outdoor workers too, like roofers or landscapers, definitely at least ask if they want some water.

also offer them the bathroom

a non-weird way to offer them the bathroom is to tell them where it is.

When it was particularly hot, my mom would put chilled water bottles in a box on top of the trash cans with a big shiny sign on them saying "NOT TRASH -- WATER BOTTLES FOR SANITATION WORKERS". This doesn't work as well for people living in apartments, of course.

If someone is doing work inside my house, I put a clean cup for each person on the counter (it’s the only cup(s) out, so they don’t have to guess which is for them) and tell them it’s theirs to use and they’re welcome to ice and water from the dispenser on the fridge. Then I tell them the bathroom is next to the kitchen.

I didn’t used to do this because I assumed they would just use the bathroom if they needed, but then I learned that some people think workers should go elsewhere for the bathroom?? And once I started saying it, I’ve had people say things like, “If you’re sure- we can go down the street” But of course I’m sure! As long as they’re only doing bathroom stuff in there, why in earth shouldn’t they use the bathroom at my place?

The water hadn’t occurred to me before I read the suggestion somewhere, but it’s top notch.

We had a problem with this when we had electricians working at our house for a few weeks one time. I showed them all the bathrooms in the house and assumed we were okay... until 2 days later I saw one of them leaving the port-a-potty at the construction site next door. It turns out even though I'd shown them the bathroom, they weren't sure if I was actually okay with them using it because apparently some people are REAL unkind about stuff like that. I had to flat-out say "Please use the bathroom in the house, it's literally why we have them" and even then it was into the second week before one guy stopped popping his head into wherever I was working to ask if I was sure.

The bit I struggled with for a long time was not trying to over-host work crews. I didn't know how to balance making them feel comfortable and hovering. I had the most luck offering them a water after introductions, giving them a house tour on our way to whatever needs fixing and then clearly identifying where I plan to sit while we're touring. Now I end by saying "Please feel free to use the bathroom and if you change your mind on the water or need a snack or anything, come find me, I don't mind." Then I go sit on my hands until they need me - that way they can do their job without trying to entertain me. The trick with the cups on the counter is a brilliant one, I'll have to bank that one!

Pro (literally pro, I grew up around contractors) tip: If you are nasty, mean, micromanaging, or generally difficult to work with, you might get what’s known in the trades as The A-Hole Discount. This is when you get upcharged for being, well, an a-hole.

So if you hire a contractor and your bill is more than quoted and he’s vague about why…you don’t need to make a post to r/AITA. Chances are good you are in fact the a-hole.

From the Service Plumber Husband- the a-hole discount is legit, but the reverse can also be true. Do right by tradesmen, and they'll generally try to do right by you.

Also they always appreciate water and being able to use your bathroom

I really like the way my parents handle this. They have workers fixing their patio right now, and it's July in the US, so it's HOT. My mom immediately showed the guys where the downstairs bathroom is, and then right on the front porch, she stocked an entire cooler full of water and Gatorade bottles, then put a family-size box of granola bars next to it.

That's just...how I was trained to treat workers. Put out what they'll need and they'll grab it whenever. If they're there for multiple days, restock as needed. I know I appreciated that level of courtesy back when I cleaned houses professionally.

Also, the supervisor/owner/whoever ended up being wonderful and ended up saving them about $10k. I'm not saying that a discount should be your ONLY motivation, but it's certainly nice.

I think a great way to improve communication with kids (and adults) is to make every yes or no question a this or that question.

I started doing it when after brain surgery my husband had trouble forming responses to questions for a while, and realized that the habit was helping my students engage more truthfully with me.

Some examples:

Yes/No: “Did you clean up your room like I told you?”

This/That: “Did you clean up already, or do you still need to do that?”

Yes/No: “Are you going to sit quietly?”

This/That: “Are you ready to sit and do our quiet activity, or do you need some time by yourself first?”

Yes/No: “Are you doing anything fun for your birthday?”

This/That: “Are you having a party on your birthday, or are you going to relax?”

I think many children (and adults!) are averse to telling adults “No,” especially when a command is implied. (“Did you clean your room?” “Are you going to sit quietly?” Hmmm if I say ‘no’ I will be in trouble with the adult.) So they are actually pretty likely to just lie and say what they think you want to hear.

Presenting a this or that question provides an alternative to lying, a ‘no, but’ scenario where they are presented with the reasonable consequences of a No (“if you’re not ready to sit quietly, you cannot do our quiet activity with us yet.”)

I find it useful professionally with adults too - "Did you have a chance to finish that project, or is it more of a next-week item?" When done sincerely (rather than passive-aggressively), it gets over rough ground lightly: it gives the other person a solution you clearly already find acceptable, so they don't have to flail around trying to defend/excuse themselves, they can just take the solution and everyone can move on.

bad news everyone: i have a take

the loneliness epidemic/gen z dead-eyed stare/poor socialization of younger generations and increasing rudeness of older ones is kinda an internet thing and kinda a pandemic thing but it is also the well-meaning chickens of the Stranger Danger movement coming home to roost

something something everybody thinks violent crime is at a high when it’s at a 30 year low, something something training your children to see everyone outside of their family as a threat until you yourself believe it, something something. again this was well-intentioned, people want their kids to be safe, but when you’ve heard “dont talk to strangers” all your life it’s hard to kill that instinct as an adult

but yeah if you’re an early 20-something person, it might be helpful to be directly told this: talk to strangers. that rule only applied when you were a child. you not only should but must talk to strangers

some more things to consider

ultimately though, you're right about stranger danger being a big shift in cultural attitudes towards children that had huge ripple effects!

If it keeps you from killing yourself it's not stupid. This applies to anything btw.

Bestie. How dare you leave “do not mock the life preserver…” in the tags.

@onewingedsparrow

Taylor Tomlinson, Look At You (2022) Netflix special

we need to hang on to things that mark the passage of time or we will collectively go crazy i'm not even joking

we need to buy seasonal vegetables for our table we need to decorate for our chosen holidays we need to engage with a weekly show we need to have semi-regular meal times we need to write down friends' birthdays and have movie night and attend fairs we need to change the flowers on our balcony with plants that can survive the cold and get soil under our fingernails we need to be able to plan and wait and anticipate and find comfort and joy in things leaving but returning we need RITUALS to survive

I feel like in the rush of “throw out etiquette who cares what fork you use or who gets introduced first” we actually lost a lot of social scripts that the younger generations are floundering without.

A lot of tough situations where we now feel like we “don’t know what to do or say” had social scripts just a couple of generations ago and they might have been canned phrases or robotic actions but they could still be meant sincerely and unfortunately we haven’t replaced them with any more sincere or easier new script.

a lot of people are giving examples in the notes of things they just find annoying like not using headphones in public, but OP is talking about actual literal scripts of things to say in awkward situations

if you have a date or two with someone and you don't see a relationship developing? most millennials / gen Zers just end up ghosting. but a social script that might have been taught and rehearsed in the past could be:

"I really appreciated getting dinner with you the other night and I enjoyed your company, but I'm afraid I didn't feel a spark. I wish you the best, and hope you find that special someone!"

like it sounds kind of trite but it was at least something to say and it can still be meant with kind sincerity. it also communicates in 2 sentences that you don't want to see them romantically again, but there aren't any hard feelings about that. that's it!!! that's all it takes!!!

Another example is that at parties a lot of people talk about how awkward it is to mingle or talk to people they dont know. But at old timey parties that was traditionally the HOST'S job, and there was a specific scripted way of doing it that eased the process! The host would bring you in, introduce you and maybe even a little bit about you like what you did for a living, and then guide you to a group you could talk to. They didn't just let you in the door and then ditch you to fend for yourself in a sea of strangers. That would be unthinkable and no one would be surprised if a get-together like that wound up being awkward.

I still do the party-host thing and yall can, too! (Thanks Mad Men for teaching me a lot of outmoded social scripts... no really tho)

Remember things about your friends! Ask people about their weekends, hobbies, holidays, studies, and jobs! Listen for the concerns people have and what they are working on! Draw connections between one person and another to get the ball rolling. "Oh, Maura, you just got your first cat! You should talk to Felix, he used to work at a rescue. Felix, please tell Maura all the new-cat-guardian pointers."

"Bill, Sheila, Xan, this is my friend Kale. Kale is really into Star Trek, Bill you and them should talk about it!"

Orrr whatever! After you make the introduction and draw the connection you just float on into the next interaction with someone else at the function. Just listen, care about your friends, get our of your own head, and think of how you can bring other people together and you will feel 100% less awkward.

hi i am so excited about this post because i have posted this exact thing MANY times on here, often in the specific context of how formal etiquette is so useful for autistic people especially, but also for everyone. even if you come off a little bit formal, which you will sometimes, having Old School Manners (or just knowing what they are) for various common scenarios is like having a magic ticket that will just sail you through all kinds of social iinteractions, gatekeeping, social weirdness, and as is pointed out in the above posts about introducing people to each other, can make you into a really valuable and helpful person for an entire gathering or group of people.

i also want to point out that knowing what the polite thing to do in all situations makes you a lot more effective at being rude and obnoxious when the situation calls for it, which is also a valuable and necessary adult skill

#things to write#but also#things to do#I could certainly benefit from a manual...

If you're looking for a manual on these sorts of things; social etiquette, social scripts, how to handle difficult and/or awkward social situations, etc. then I highly recommend picking up any book by Miss Manners. Her books really are the gold standard for learning the types of skills this post is talking about. I should also mention that Miss Manners is witty and hilarious so her books are also fun to read.

The best book by Miss Manners to get started with would be Miss Manner's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. This one is probably the best starting point because it gives the best overview of all the basics.

If you're the type who likes to listen to podcasts, I recommend checking out "Were You Raised By Wolves?" and/or "Awesome Etiquette". Both are also great tools for learning the type of social skills this post is talking about. I'm personally a fan of "Were You Raised By Wolves?" because not only are they pretty funny and informative, they also bother to try to teach the underlying social intelligence behind various manners and social etiquette so that you can have the skills to solve social dilemmas on your own. However, "Awesome Etiquette" is also pretty fun and informative.

#long post#I feel like 'i dont do small talk nobody cares about the weather' had a negative impact on social interaction#I mean yeah sometimes small talk about nothing gets awkward. but often it leads to the most interesting conversations#just asking 'what kind of music do you listen to at the gym' or 'have you read any books lately' could be such a lovely subject#I'm sometimes socially awkward despite being a huge extrovert. that's why etiquette is such a great thing#if you don't know how to act around people just stick to the etiquette rules. if they have a problem with it they're not for me anyways

Sorry @darlingdear but I couldn't let this stay in the tags.

I say this as someone who is neurodivergent had grew up very socially awkward, but recently I find the "screw small talk, I wanna get to know the REAL you" attitude to be pretentious as well as a demonstration of a lack of boundaries.

But also, I think a lot of people who have this attitude don't actually really know what does qualify as small talk. The definition of small talk is any topic that's of no real consequence and includes topics like food, pets, sports, music, whatever show you're currently streaming, whatever book you're currently reading, and yes, the weather. A lot of people who have this "I hate small talk / I don't do small talk" attitude probably think it's only reciting a bunch of secret scripts about the weather, and don't realize how much they engage in small talk whenever they talk about their pets or their favorite foods or the really cool show they're watching right now.

Small talk is just about boundaries and getting to know someone *before* you move into more serious and personal topics. The older I get the more I learn you really can't just trust anyone with more serious and personal subjects. Small talk first is important to gauge if they're someone safe and trustworthy first before moving into more serious and personal subjects. If you really genuinely refuse to get to know someone before immediately discussing serious and personal subjects you may have an issue with boundaries and should consider working on that.

Oh my god, so much the last point. All of them, but especially the last.

Small talk is a way of sounding out a person’s attitudes. It’s about finding out if they’re a rabid asshole or someone you want to spend more time with.

I had a professor who got angry at a group of (mostly women), from five countries, all of whom met yesterday, for talking about daytime TV. He basically insulted us and called us shallow.

Dude, we were figuring each other out with a safe topic! We were the best of friends three weeks later. We could broach harder topics because we understood each other’s boundaries better. If you immediately demand people bare their souls, you’re not likely to get them to be honest.

(Psst. A very entry but still good one is "Oops! A Manners guide for girls" which was published by American Girls. The focus is mostly on stuff relevant to 12 year old but has some real basic info that I still use honestly)

I was looking up "Oops! A manners guide for girls" in my e-reader app, and unfortunately didn't find it, but I found another book my followers might be interested in called "Oops, That Was Socially Unacceptable: A Funny (and Slightly Useful ) Guide to Modern Etiquette" by Wes Cantrell, and here's the book's description:

"Have you ever said “you too” when the waiter told you to enjoy your meal? Accidentally liked your ex’s post from 2016? Coughed in public and felt like a biohazard?

Welcome. You belong here.

Oops, That Was Socially Unacceptable is your hilarious survival guide to navigating today’s social chaos — with just enough usefulness to keep you from being blocked, ghosted, or silently judged in a group chat.

Inside, you’ll find:

How to sneeze without causing mass panic

What “K” really means (hint: it’s not okay)

The art of RSVPing like an adult human

How to fake confidence after calling your boss “Mom”

Why “Sure.” is more dangerous than it looks

And how to recover when you’re caught scratching an orifice

Written for overthinkers, awkward texters, and emotionally exhausted adults who just want to get through a dinner party without crying in the bathroom, this book is part etiquette, part therapy, and all snark.

Whether you’re socially anxious, passively aggressive, or just tired of pretending you know what “gesundheit” means — this book will make you laugh, cringe, and maybe even say “bless you” on purpose."

Anyway, I know I'm now interested in giving this a read and thought some of you might be too.

Hey does anybody have any advice or know any tips? I've always wanted to know how to do something.

1. If you can avoid it, never call a business on the first day of the week it's open. Wait until at least 40 minutes after they're open on the second day. This waits out the first wave of frantic callers and gives whoever is on the phone time to grab a coffee and drink enough that they don't feel disturbed in their morning start-up ritual.

You'll spend less time on hold and reach more people with the time and patience to hear you out.

2. Take notes for phone calls. You can literally make a numbered check list of what you definitely want to bring up, and then during the call take down who you spoke to, at what date and what solutions/deadlines were promised.

This keeps you on topic without forgetting your priorities, and also gives you something to refer back to later.

If you want to complain but don't want to be THAT person:

pre call: find out what governing body deals with the type of complaint you are making. They ALWAYS have rules. For example, in the UK, the Financial Ombudsman Services have a 7 day acknowledgement stipulation AND if the complaint goes over 8 weeks they need to be advised. If you disagree with the outcome of your complaint you can then take it to them and they look into it for you. It costs the company money to have a decision go to FOS. Normally its around £500-ish.

1: Make a list of things you are unhappy about with the service/situation. Ask if all calls are recorded. Get names and times of your call too. As person above said - NOTES!

2: Tell the person that you would like to make a FORMAL complaint. Not just a complaint, but FORMAL. This will normally get you transferred through to the dedicated complaints team rather than the regular call handlers.

3: List your complaint points. If they try to explain away your points, write those down, but you need to make sure that they have ALL your points.

4: At the end of the call - ask them to read what they have written. It's annoying as hell but it will help you in the long run. Make sure you check you have the name of the agent taking the complaint. They might not be the one who DEALS with it, but names are gold.

5: Ask WHEN you will receive a written acknowledgement of your complaint. Ask for your complaint reference number. If they don't have either of those, ask who the governing body is for your specific type of complaint. If you are calling about an energy bill for example, it should be OFGEM. If its bank charges it should be FOS. If they don't know, then ask to be put through to someone who does.

6: When you get your letter/email of acknowledgement, there should be contact information on there, and a return email/address. Send an email/letter BACK, with your points on there as well. It's a good idea to list them - bullet points or date order or numbered. Attach any relevent paperwork or images (screenshots work really well for phone calls and so on) that support your complaint.

7: They should keep you updated with progress reports on your complaint, but they might not. That's okay - keep ANYTHING they send to you in a dedicated place. Try to respond to requests for evidence or information within 24 hours. They may try to use YOUR delay in getting that information as to why its taking so long.

8: They have a certain amount of time to resolve your complaint. Check online cause it can vary, but with FOS and the FCA its 8 weeks - FROM THE FIRST POINT OF CONTACT i.e: your initial call to complain. If its longer than that they MUST tell you the reason why. At that point you can take the complaint to the higher body, but its normally a good idea to hold off till they uphold or decline the complaint.

9: You CAN dispute the decision and you CAN ask for more money if they offer something too low. Don't accept store credit or a discount on the next bill. Cash Only. If you are cancelling your contract, make sure they are waiving the cancellation fees ON TOP OF your compensation. If they say they can't do that, remind them they are at fault and (if they upheld your complaint) have accepted liability. PUSH BACK on anything you don't agree with. Ask for SPECIFIC terms and conditions. Ask what steps they have taken to stop this happening again.

10: Get your decision in writing, with the T&C's listed. I always check my paperwork and contract I was sent last (if your policy renews they can change the T&C's so always use the most recent one) and check the T&C's match. if they don't - even if its the page number that is wrong - go back to them and dispute it. If they are working from a copy of the T&C's you DONT have, ask when they sent those to you, and ask for proof of sending it. If they are working of a set they never sent you - this is a breach of the contract YOU have, and it WILL be accepted by FOS or whatever.

Now I know this seems like a lot of things, but if you feel strongly enough to complain, you should be treated fairly and lawfully. Learning how to complain is a skill, and you cannot let your concern for being 'that person' override your rights as a consumer. LOTS of companies are getting away with shit because its 'too much work' to go through the process.

PRO MOVES: Be polite. Be respectful. Keeping a log of who you talked to and when. If they say that they don't have notes, advise them that you were told calls are recorded, so they can pull that call and listen to it. If the calls aren't recorded, tell them you'd like to add the lack of correct notes to the complaint - give them the time, date and name of who you spoke to, and what you said. NOTES NOTES NOTES.

I've worked in complaints for a regulated company for 5 years, and at the company for 10 and it's MY JOB to know this stuff, so I hope it helps someone.

who taught you that suffering in silence was noble, and how would you shutting up have benefited them?

this also counts for all those times you kept your mouth shut and didn't complain because you were being polite, and people would gladly have changed things if you had just asked. your suffering was not noble. you do not get a cookie for it, you do not get a tally mark next to your soul's score for grinning and bearing it. your suffering serves no purpose. break free of it. you deserve comfort.

"that doesn't sound sincere- it sounds rehearsed" is one of the most devastating and fucked-up statements you can make to anyone in the neurodivergent/ADHD/Autistic/Schizophrenic/Disordered Personality sphere. yeah bitch it's rehearsed. because i wanted to get it right when i said it

I’ve recently discovered how much better life can be when we normalize this. My best friend and I have started saying “hang on, I’m scripting” when we need a minute to mentally rehearse during big conversations (and “bear with me, I’m doing improv” when we’ve reached the end of our script and start to struggle with words lol)

The thing is, even if you were lucky and your parents taught you how to clean, they probably didn't teach you how to clean the stuff you clean stuff with, like brushes, mops, sponges, rags, and so on. Or how to clean your cleaning appliances, like a dish washer, clothes washing machine, and clothes dryer and its ducts (if you have a ducted dryer), or a carpet cleaner, vacuum, Or how to clean up clean messes, like spilled bleach or detergent.

My parents threw away all of these things (even the vacuum cleaners and the dryer) when they got too dirty to function, because no one even told them THAT they could be cleaned. Cost them thousands of dollars over the years.

All I'm saying is that cleaning is not intuitive, and not knowing how to clean is not a moral failing, but it is something you can learn.

I'm going to reblog this post with resources for learning how to clean things and how to clean cleaning things (I'm not at my desk at the moment). If you have any favorites, please feel free to add them in too!

I like this video because it does a great job of introducing the basic foundations of house cleaning (and because he doesn't use bleach).

The thing is, even if you were lucky and your parents taught you how to clean, they probably didn't teach you how to clean the stuff you clean stuff with, like brushes, mops, sponges, rags, and so on. Or how to clean your cleaning appliances, like a dish washer, clothes washing machine, and clothes dryer and its ducts (if you have a ducted dryer), or a carpet cleaner, vacuum, Or how to clean up clean messes, like spilled bleach or detergent.

My parents threw away all of these things (even the vacuum cleaners and the dryer) when they got too dirty to function, because no one even told them THAT they could be cleaned. Cost them thousands of dollars over the years.

All I'm saying is that cleaning is not intuitive, and not knowing how to clean is not a moral failing, but it is something you can learn.

I'm going to reblog this post with resources for learning how to clean things and how to clean cleaning things (I'm not at my desk at the moment). If you have any favorites, please feel free to add them in too!

I like this video because it does a great job of introducing the basic foundations of house cleaning (and because he doesn't use bleach).