being made by vitro fertilisation (IVF) is so funny. my parent didn't have sex, my parents conducted an experiment with a scientist. my humble beginnings can be traced to a petri dish. some person i dont know clocked in to work and then just made me. i was made in a lab and i didn't even get any cool powers or anything. im just a girl that has to work 9 to 5

a tag mentioned how likely it is for ivf to produce twins and it reminded me of the fact that i ate my twin in the womb. so maybe my secret power is eating people

since this post is going around again i need you all to know that i can win almost every argument with my siblings by saying 'hey at least they PAID to have me' which hits especially hard since both my sisters are accidents. so i also have that power

This sounds like a shitpost but people should be allowed to be horny. As in, sexuality is just part of life for most people and there’s no reason for consensual sexual behavior to be punished. A celebrity getting “caught” at a sex club shouldn’t be a scandal. No one should be fired for having a fetlife profile outside of work. Nudes getting leaked shouldn’t be career-ending. Denying and hiding (consensual) sexual interests doesn’t make anyone more professional, it just makes everyone more repressed. And sterilizing ourselves to be better work drones isn’t productive, it’s just creepy. I’d rather my surgeon get absolutely railed on camera and come to work in a good mood, frankly.

the amount of ace, aroace, + sex-repulsed ppl leaving support on this post is rly heartwarming

also this goes without saying but is also true of ppl who do sex work for used to do sex work. an accountant’s boss finding out that they used to do sex work shouldn’t be a career ender. a restaurant worker shouldn’t be fired bc they have an OnlyFans.

Raw Ohio.

I'm trying, Boss 😩

Well try harder!!!

We're givin' 'er all she's got, captain!

i'd advise against doing anything with a raw ohio. You gotta bake it till it's got an internal temperature of at least 160º Fahrenheit otherwise you're liable to catch more than a few illnesses.

As a Michigander, my preferred method is bygiving the outside a good sear.

I'm from Illinois and I'm putting my dick in the Raw Ohio. Witness me!

This will be you tomorrow if you don't at least pasteurize it:

ALT

I hate to break the bit but "Pasteurize My Pesis, Captain!" is caught in my head so bad I can't think of anything else ajskskdka

sorry loo i'm hellbent on this getting to the 1k mark, minimum

This is so fucking funny

I'm filling out forms for a doctor's appointment and they want me to list any family members who have had various conditions, like diabetes, various cancers, or if they've got "healthy".

apparently being healthy is a serious medical condition now

also any form that asks you if you're sexually active and then wants to know what birth control you use should include "homosexuality", "no one involved has a uterus", "it's not that kind of sex" as options.

I mean if you're going to list 16 different methods you clearly are trying to be comprehensive, so lets not kid ourselves about what options are out there

they list OCP as one of the birth control methods

Originally posted by tvneon

HALT, SPERM. YOU MAY NOT PROCEED

they also make me check which genders I've had sex with and only offer the vintage genders. come on, I'm not even binary, why are you assuming everyone I've had sex with can easily be slotted into a male or female box?

IT'S 2025, WE HAVE MORE SEXES AND GENDERS THAN THAT

contraceptive method

* other, list here: [i only have sex with people who are already pregnant so it's not possible for me to get them more pregnant *shrug*]

they have a section called "Social History - Other Factors" and give me various options, like:

• military service
• sleep concern (?)
• exercise (are they asking if I have a history of exercise?)
• bike helmet (???)
• caffeine

neurotypical fuckers are always like "autistic people have trouble following directions" and then hand me a form that asks if I have a history of bike helmet

well, do you?

mind your own business, that's protected personal medical information

hey i know everybody on this website is geriatric by now, but if i have any younger followers, even just a handful:

you do not need those full-body deodorant products. i promise

nobody was buying or selling this shit before like five years ago. if it was sold, it was a niche product for people with really specific needs (ie, medical issues causing extreme sweating and/or body odor)

these companies are blatantly manipulating you with the oldest advertising trick in the book:

1. invent a fake problem
2. convince you that you HAVE this fake problem
3. "helpfully" sell you a product that claims to fix the problem

you do not have to feel embarrassed or ashamed of your body. you are not some rancid stinky beast who needs to be slathered with perfumes and fragrances just to feel comfortable out in public. your body is normal and there is no reason to be applying full-body perfumes to ward off normal human smells

and if they tell you to put it on/in your pussy. DO NOT do that. that company is LYING to you. it is not safe or gentle. do not perfume your vagina.

Never thought this screenshot would be relevant lmao (@tarrarre)

Love potion this, sex pollen that. Where are the hate potions and violence pollen. "Force these two friends to drink it to fall in love" this, "Make those enemies unable to resist each other" that. What about "Force these two characters want to murder each other"

I've discovered the worst game in human history. I call it Dog Toy Or Sex Toy, who wants in

How would this even be challenging? Are there dick-shaped chew toys?

Round One

Dog toy

Wrong! That is the Cloud 9 Novelties Silicone Mushroom Massager in Teal.

Round Two:

D-dog...toy?

World Heritage Post

The fear in the second one is like someone realizing that the Russian Roulette game is being played with Real Bullets

The three types of kink are

* you have power

* you're safe

* feet

this is a shitpost but I think it's not THAT wrong. Most kink is either one of (or a combination of):

• You get to play at having power over someone else. This is your dominance sorts of things, your sadisms, etc.
• You get to play safely. You can play with scary things while knowing there's safewords and a dom/top who loves you.
• Feet. By which I mean, there's some normal part of the human experience that your brain has for some reason fixated on. Maybe you're into red hair, or glasses, or fluffy tails.

"safety" can also present as "useful". You have some intrinsic value that cannot be taken from you (because of some sex/kink thing). The safety is from abandonment, because you're useful, despite everything. And "useful" is a bunch of kinks (none of which I'm comfortable mentioning here).

oh no, animal ears are feet

yeah. cat ears are feet!

can someone turn this into the calvin's dad dialogue

oh god, this is so obviously calvin's dad dialogue that now I'm worried that I plagiarized it without realizing it

the two types of tumblr post are calvin's dad and rule 34. all posts fall into one of these two categories. despite being kink-related, this post is actually calvin's dad.