whenever i tell people that my partner and i are poly and in an open relationship, most people respond with "don't you get jealous?" and honestly i'm realizing not enough people talk about polyamory and jealousy because like, yeah i absolutely get jealous. we just have different ways of dealing with it than most relationships.
i used to think that being jealous meant something was wrong with me or that i'm just not cut out for polyamory, but actually my life is significantly better now that i'm poly and leading a lifestyle that supports that. this particular feeling (which is natural and human and nothing to be ashamed of) is just a little more inconvenient than it used to be because i often put myself in situations that are more likely to evoke it. what i've learned is that what i thought was "jealousy" often isn't actually jealousy and is usually something else being mistaken for jealousy, except for when it actually is jealousy, in which case, it's usually a sign that i need to reevaluate my own boundaries and have a conversation with my partner about them. for instance, sometimes i think i'm "jealous" of another person, but i'm actually feeling rejected or ignored by my partner and i should talk to him. maybe it was because he was swiping on apps during our quality time instead of hanging out with me, or he was talking to someone else to have needs met when i could have helped him if he'd asked. sometimes it's a frequency thing too, wherein they are spending more time or effort on their other relationships than ours, so i just need a little extra validation or attention.
then there are the instances where i'm actually, genuinely jealous. sometimes i'm jealous of him because he has way more Rizz than me and, subsequently, more success in other relationships than i do. maybe not everyone will feel the way i do, but for me, this is a feeling i tend to either keep to myself completely or at least work through independently, because i don't feel like it's fair to hold that against him. other times i'm jealous because i feel like i'm missing something that someone else has and i'm not "good enough" for him. after all, i'm trans and dating a gay man, so i'm sometimes insecure in my ~manhood~ and just need a reminder that i'm loved and perfect the way i am.
the most common way jealousy shows up is when one or both of us is trying something new. i don't always know how i'm going to react to new experiences, obviously, so even if we talk about it beforehand and we're both acting within our established boundaries, i might decide i don't feel good about something and we have to talk about if and how this thing should continue to play a role in our relationship. this usually means modifying or setting new boundaries. so like if they're experimenting with a new kind of relationship with someone else and i realize i don't like that he's doing that specific thing with another person, we should reevaluate whether they should keep doing that or not, or what else they can do to make me feel better about it.
basically my point is that polyamory doesn't mean immunity to jealousy, it's just another tool that i can use to navigate my relationships. it doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong, and it doesn't mean there's something just naturally wrong with me either. it's important to listen to and validate feelings like that so i can understand what they're actually trying to tell me.
