*from my newly acquired dark throne* everyone let's have a round of applause for the ancient accursed tome *a rattling of bones as my vast army of undead clap* and how about a little noise for the amulet tht made this all possible!! *groans of celebration from the brainwashed wraiths of all those who stood in the way of me & my amulets goals fill the air*

everyone needs to start reblogging this & not simply liking it my new obsidian diadem tht came w the dark throne has told me so

I can't remember where I first heard it, but here's a joke that's lived rent free in my head for years:

two friends, a Jew and a Christian, are talking about holiday customs.

the Jew says "on Rosh Hashanah, it's traditional to blow the shofar 30 times"

the Christian looks at him awkwardly and says "wow. all we give our chauffeur on Christmas is a bottle of wine."

shana tova everyone

really enjoying the fact that people have said "this too is Torah", "y'all need Jesus", and "by Allah you people are dogs" in the notes. I hit the Abrahamic tumblr trifecta

it's really easy to be kind to girls who are pre-E. it's free. doesn't cost anything. just saying. be kind n all that.

Reblog to let a girl who is pre-E know that you love her, now!!!!

DIY>AI

you have a disgusting storytelling addiction

It’s true. It goes back a long way, too. It all started when…

everybody in the notes like:

This is the single best video of a loon I've ever seen. Do you people realize how rare it is to see them that close? How rare it is to see them in that shallow of water? Incredible catch.

connect with old tumblr users by saying the three magic words "hot hot leg"

and a foul memory springs forth unbidden

romanticizing your life is such a powerful tool and it’s a shame that it’s mostly used by people on tiktok to justify the purchase of expensive breakfast smoothies when there are few better ways to force oneself through unpleasant shit than imagining a cinematic backstory for your extremely quotidian suffering

finding the strength to walk home from the library at 3am in the freezing rain by imagining yourself as a Napoleonic soldier hightailing it from Moscow in 1813

drafted a post with like a billion words of tags but really all i needed to say was that it's nice when bi guys get kinda dykey with it

i do have to say that no matter how shitty any sort of media is or how shitty your own creations are. always remember

I was innocently scrolling tumblr on the couch while Penny watches Bluey, and I didn't notice she was intently watching what I was doing until she started yelling I NEED HIM HES BEAUTIFUL I NEED HIM CAN YOU PLEASE SEND THAT TO DADDY TO SEND TO SANTA TO ASK IF HE CAN BRING ME ONE FOR CHRISTMAS!?!

you will simply never believe what she has imprinted on so swiftly and immediately, the first thing she's ever DIRECTLY ASKED FOR FOR CHRISTMAS

it's the cunty xneomorph

Penny has decided that the xenomorph is he/him. you know what this is good. I like it. the oviparous slimething can be a boy if she wants to

This made me come to the realization that my child views gender as a distinct binary but the binary is tail / no tail

because everything with a tail is he/him (all the animals she knows)

And everything without a tail is she/her (every human she knows)

My in laws have a girl dog who is allowed the she/her label but she is an Aussie dog and has a teeeeeny cropped tail

Percy the Unicorn is a blanket that sometimes she thinks is a tail so some days Percy is he/him and some days Percy is she/her

Her dad???

Is at least to penny, the strong and beautiful bearded woman I married

i think a particularly fun vampire pastime could be to throw lavish balls where they force their prey to dance and dance and dance without pause until they’re exhausted and then they feed off of them! very cruel AND frivolous

@phantastrick YOU GET IT YOU SEE THE VISION! it’s opulent, it’s effective, it’s dinner and a show!!